The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
How does the recipe for German Sauerbraten begin? "First invade ze kitchen."
What did one fish say to the other?
If you keep your mouth closed you will not get caught.
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
What do we call two thousand pounds of Chinese soup? It is called won – ton!
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.
That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted
What type of trunks do foresters wear to the swimming pool?
Tree trunks!
There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.
What if soy milk is just regular milk that's trying to introduce itself in Spanish?
I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought
Wasn’t the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought,
Had been the thought I thought,
I wouldn’t have thought I thought.
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
Is it a sin that you stole my heart?
Spent the whole day running around dressed as a zombie. I’m dead on my feet.
How about a kanga-root?
Do you have a map? Because I just got lost in your eyes.
Your shirt must be made out of husband material.
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"Is that cannon fire, or is it my heart pounding?"
- Ingrid Bergman, Casablanca (1942)
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
There was Old Man in a pew,
Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue;
But he tore it in pieces
To give to his nieces,
That cheerful Old Man in a pew.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him!
The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year. He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
How did the rabbit become a wrestling champion? It had a lot of hare pins!
It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
What do you call an annoying person who plays the trumpet?
A brasshole.
Why don't boats have funerals?
They have wakes.
What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut!
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
What did the bear say when her date showed up too early?
I’ll be out in a minute, I’m bearly dressed.
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
Girl, if I am epsilon, will you be my delta?
I was prepping the raw turkey for Thanksgiving dinner
It was fowl.
As the local drunk, I'm quite worried about the corona virus.
It's got potential tequila lot of people.
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
Why did the bees go on strike? Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers.
55. How do you tell a car you are supporting it?
‘We are routing for you!’
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Alfie
Alfie who?
Alfie terrible if you leave!