What did the doctor give the lollipop when he broke his leg
A candy cane.
What’s a hen’s favorite type of movie?
A chick flick.
If you go out with me, I promise I won’t take you for granite.
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
Hey, let me take you out on a first date in the snow - I promise I'm not a flaky person.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
Why is the giant afraid of Jack?
Because Jack's beanstalking him.
When in France, I have Nantes-thing to complain about.
Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.
This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.
(Joanna Fuchs)
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Avenue.
Avenue who?
Avenue knocked on this door before?
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
(Unknown)
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
Does a water bed become bouncier when you fill it up with spring water?
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
What do you give a dog with a fever?… Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
Did you hear of the new disease going through France?
I've heard it was a Paris-ite.
A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.
I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch."
Who gives sharks presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.
My space ship is ready. Wanna ride?
What kind of writer did the ghost hire to write his biography? A ghostwriter, duh.
We had an argument on our way back from the tournament. Our position is that their goal was stopping ours.
How do crabs evade taxes?
They set up shell corporations.
Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you going to let me in?.
Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.
If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.
When is a car like a frog?
When it's being toad.
Why did Frankenstein turn to solar?
For the free charge.
My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more intercourse would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.
It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
Girl, you're such a Banff (i.e., a Bad Ass, Nice, And Fascinating Female).
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
Thank you for teaching me about bargaining
It means a great deal.
Wow, you have a the chin of Superman. I bet you could take a serious punch.
If man’s bet friend is a dog, would a unicorns best friend be a corn dog?
Has a guy ever walked up to you just to tell you how beautiful you are?
They must have been much drunker than I am.
Honey, are you a drummer? Because you can make my heart skip a beat.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
Is your father a boxer?
Because baby, you're a knockout.
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
Who is king of all the mice?
Mouse Tse Tung!
Why don’t clams give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish!
I smelled you down the street, and my nose brought me right to you.