What Beatles song charted highest in Italy?
Penne Lane.
Why shouln’t you rub avocado in your eyes?
You might get guacoma.
Why are beavers only found in freshwaters? Because they don't like stale water.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
How do you repair a broken tomato? Tomato Paste!
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
In my own version of the periodic table of elements, the number one element is U.
Of all the rocks in the world, I’d pick you.
When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
You're like Newton's laws.
Not perfect, but good enough.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
What is the most disgusting perfume ever made?
Eau de colon.
Where do llamas go on vacation?
Alpacapuco.
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's out of business. And, speaking of Hershey's, how about a kiss?
Jim ordered a racehorse online
A thoroughbred sold in it's prime.
Now just for a laugh
They sent a giraffe
But it wins by a neck every time.
(Ray Gridley)
Do you have raisins? How about a date?
Don't get too close to a vampire, they have a serious case of bat breath.
I need more than 140 characters to tell you how beautiful you are.
I hope to someday be your emergency contact...
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
If Colgate kills 99.9% of bacterias in mouth, what does Colgate sensitive do?
It kills 99.9% without hurting their feelings.
Q. What do swine use to chat up a date?
A. Pig-Up Lines!
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said I was jammed.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
How does the Grammar Nazi party fund its government?
Through a syntax.
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
The feeling you get when you think you have heard these cow puns before is known as deja-mooo.
Blue jeans are immortal. They never die, they just fade away!
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
What kind of cookies do poor people want during Halloween? Fortune cookies.
Did you know that if you poured salt on a cat's tail it will fall off?
It's true! And if you pour pepper on a cat's tail, the pepper will also fall off.
What happens if you listen to metal too loudly?
You become Megadeaf
"I am a leaf on the wind... in bed."
- Firefly
What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?
A Sir conference
Let’s take an elfie.
I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.
Still can't get the last of that ketchup out.
What do you get when you cross a tortoise and a llama?
A turtle-neck sweater.
I had a nightmare about being attacked by a shark.
When I woke up I realized it was just a bream.
Did you hear about the cat who drank ten bowls of water? It set a new lap record
What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
My friend was going to a painting competition, so I wished him, "Grey the force be with you".
Why can't the bankrupt Hindu complain? He's got no beef.
Are Jellyfish sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish?