What kind of donuts fly? Plain ones!

I came across a great movie about a semi-truck with a defective refrigeration unit that had to deliver a large shipment of meat.
Unfortunately, the trailer spoiled it.

What flavor of ice cream do vampires like best?
Vein-illa!

Why wasn't King Kong able to climb to the top of the Empire State Building?
He couldn't quite fit in the elevator.

How can you tell when a coach doesn’t know what they are doing? When the real coach is yelling from in the stands.

What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.

I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

Q: What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
A: I hear the doctor is taking us out tonight!

Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.

Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."

Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."

Why won't the dog listen to the farmer's sheep jokes?
He's herd them all.

What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!

Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.

What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”

Are you sugar? Because I just had sweet dreams about you.

How can you tell which end of a worm is which? Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs.

"Dust"

The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!

– P. A. Ropess

Why do dwarves live in mountains?
They dig it.

What do you call a chair in a suit?
A tuxSEATo

The FBI are raiding an alleged spy's apartment when they discover a hard drive labeled "KGB".
One of the agents holds it up with a look of confusion and says, "Why wouldn't he just write 1 TB?"

"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark

How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.

Singing Sammy sung songs on sinking sand.

A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’

My love for you burns stronger than my urinary tract infection.

"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown

What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.

I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.

What do you call a field full of epileptic lettuce ?
Seizure Salad

The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.

What kind of underwear do monkeys wear?
Chimpantsies.

What is a deer’s favorite meal of the day?
“Deer-ner.”

What would you call a singer who's really scared of medusa?
A rockstar.

My wife and I have been having trouble communicating. We decided to take a walk when we passed a farm. She said "awww, babe look at the sheep."
"No, ewe." I said.

What do poplars bring to war? They bring their infan-tree.

"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford

My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.

A baseball walks into a bar. The bartender throws him out.

Say it ain’t snow.

Why did the poor werewolf chase his own tail?
He was trying to make ends meet.

Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them has a watch.
"What time do you think it is?" one of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise," says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyway. After a few seconds of screaming, a light turns on in another yard and a neighbor yells, "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"

What did the foot say to the football?
I toed you.

“I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
“I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I’m going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I’ve counted sixteen chicken pox
And there’s one more--that’s seventeen,
And don’t you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut--my eyes are blue--
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I’m sure that my left leg is broke--
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button’s caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle’s sprained,
My ‘pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb.
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow’s bent, my spine ain’t straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangn

What did the turkey say before he was roasted?

“OK, spare me no insults!"

Why do banana's do so well on the dating scene? Because they have Appeal!

"What are your thoughts on diving?"
"Well, I guess it's descent as a hobby."

Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.

Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.

How did the koala bear get the high-paying job? He met all of the koalafications.

Why did the otter cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!