Two tiny timid toads trying to trot to Tarrytown.
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal?
Megadeath by Chocolate.
Q. Why was the baby gorilla such a big brat?
A. Because his parents are big apes.
As a Brit, I can't get into American football
They rugby the wrong way.
My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
One should never mix oranges in apple juice. Well, perhaps you may do it once in a blue moon.
How do horses show gratitude?
Flank you very much.
We should get coffee sometime, because I like you a latte.
The chickpea wrote a book, but he didn't release it until after his death. He wanted to do it post-hummusly.
Batman walks into a superhero-only pool, he is quickly stopped by a guard, the guard points to a sign that says
"No swimming without supervision."
What did the gorilla wear when he was cooking in the kitchen?
An ape-ron
What do you get when you hghyphotocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
Knock knock!
Who’s there? Doughnut. Doughnut Who? Doughnut forget to close the door!
What did the owl say to the judge?
I’m talon you, it wasn’t me.
Where do math teachers normally like to go on summer vacation?
Times Square.
What did the Tyrannosaurus rex get after mopping the floor? Dino-sore!
My kid asked why I named our WiFi "ship"?
But that's how everything syncs.
What happened to the baby chicken that misbehaved at school?
It was egg-spelled.
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
One of the most courageous souls in the world is anybody who looks at a pineapple and thinks that “I bet I would eat it.”
This autumn, the garden told the mower to leaf him alone in peace.
A man named Martin Draw was campaigning for the Senate. He printed up shirts saying “I’m with Draw” to support his campaign. The next day, he wore the shirt to a tennis tournament. When he walked up to the tournament desk, the director handed him his money back and asked him why he couldn’t play.
What do you get when you cross an orange with a parrot? A carrot.
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code!
Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine
What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? Odor in the court. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam!
Allow me to synapse with you, and we shall store the most wonderful of memories.
What does a meditating egg say?
Ohmmmmmmmlet.
Don’t come to France without any Monet.
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
What do vampire bats call their friends?
Blood brothers.
Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?
Benedict Arnold Palmer
Golf is what you play…
When you’re too out of shape to play softball.
There was an old person of Troy,
Whose drink was warm brandy and soy,
Which he took with a spoon,
By the light of the moon,
In sight of the city of Troy.
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail and it will be de-lighted.
Why did the toddler chew on pebbles? He wanted to eat rock candy.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
One trick peony.
What do we call two birds that are in love?
Tweet-hearts!
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
Remember the band that did that rock cover of “walk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?
Pharaohsmith.
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.