How one snowman greets the other one?
Ice to meet you.
On what radio station would you hear Bob Dill-on?
Vlasic rock.
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
What's the meanest thing ever?
When you ask a gnome, “What will you be when you grow up?”
Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
But I don't care
Cause I'm leaving you.
Q. Which deer prison is escape proof?
A. Elk-atraz.
Don't get tide down this summer. 'Tis the season for having fun.
Two monkeys are high up in the tree.
One turns to the other and says, “Oooo ooo aah aahh!!”
The second monkey says, “Well put some cold water on it then!"
I bought my wife a matching belt and bag for Valentine's Day
She should have that vacuum up and running in no time.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
What do you call a sleeping pizza?
A piZZZZZZa.
I once pranked my mom and told her that I had lyme disease
I still had a few ticks up my sleeve
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Eyesore.
Eyesore who?
Eyesore from my long run—can we take the elevator?
Why was the scarecrow upset with the worm?
It was going ear to ear in the corn field!
What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?
If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!
Where does a turtle go when it's raining?
A shell-ter.
They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Apparently, they're long enough already.
My mom likes to feed everyone the soup she makes. She said it is her broth right.
Why don't people ever talk about the fear of roses? Because it's a thorny issue!
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
Hey you like cherry preserves ?
Never mind, its probably not your jam
Did you hear that they're trying to convict an orange?
It got wrapped up in appeal.
Why do owl babies take after their dad?
Like feather, like son.
What do you call a furniture store that is over 30 miles away?
The Sofa-r store
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
What do you call a bee that makes a milk?
Boo-bee
What does a cheese say when you ask him to share a secret?
He cantal.
What do you call a deer wearing an explosive vest?
Bombi.
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
Because they might peel.
Did you hear about the guy who got killed by a bear?
It was a grizzly death.
"Back that glass up."
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
I give roughing a whole new definition.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
What do confused owls say?
Too-whit-to-why?
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called the SWAT team.
Wanna go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.
When you want to propose to a person who loves strawberries, just say, "I love you berry much."
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
What sound do hedgehogs make when they kiss?
Ouch
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
What do you call half of a centaur?
A per-centaur.
How do you Charlemange-age to get through the last few days before vacation?
What did the baby mosquito say after his first flight?
“Mama, mama! Did you see that? Everyone was clapping for me!”