The male pig puts everyone to sleep.
You might say he’s quite a boar.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
What do computers eat for a snack?
Microchips!
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a Spider? A Hare net!
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
How do animals know when to cross the road?
The chameleon changes from red to green.
What do you call someone who chokes on their tea?
A cough-y drinker.
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
Turtles keep on winning battles because they are perfect at shelling their enemies.
Did you hear about the man chopping an onion with the Grim Reaper?
He was dicing with death
Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
Why can't tomatoes ever beat lettuce in a race?
Because lettuce is always a head, and tomatoes have to ketchup!
Hi, I’m a T-cell, and I’m here to protect you from everything.
My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.
A female sheep and a couple of aggressive birds are sitting on the veranda. What language do they speak?
Porchewegeese.
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.
Why does it take a while before a peach leaves a fruit basket? They have to give a goodbye peach first.
What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins?
A turtle disaster.
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
You look like a vision in your dress tartan.
Why did the rabbit like the adventure? It was a “hare-raising tail.”
Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court?
For kitty littering.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
You must be the square root of two because I'm irrational around you.
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
Why did the kraken eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?
Because nobody can eat just one potato ship.
Don't be a jerk-o-lantern
What does a deer call her boyfriend?
Cari-boo.
What did the thrifty man say when he got his phone bill? "Who says talk is cheap?"
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad.
I guess it will be 5050.
What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture
As a baseball player, I know my way around the bases.
I can out here for an easy run, but you make my heart do speed work
Why did the rude unicorn not say hello to the other? Because while the pace (face) was familiar, he
just couldn’t remember the mane (name).
I’ve never seen a sleeker frame.
I get beavers and similar animals mixed up.
I otter know better.
According to the multiverse theory, there’s at least one universe where we end up together. Do you want this universe to be one of them?
What did mutter say to paneer? Tu cheese badi hai mast mast.
They say that the local baker is the breadwinner of his family. True enough.
A ship wanted to travel from the Pacific to the Arctic
But it just couldn't get its Bering Strait.