Friend of mine got sacked as a set designer for not producing anything. He didn't make a scene.
I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.
I've started a new band called "Blanket".
We're a cover band
I can't use my laptop anymore because someone spilled apple juice on it.
It was a cider attack.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
What does a cheese lover say when someone keeps messing around with them?
“You gouda brie kidding!”
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
What Do You Call A Cat That Swallows A Duck?
A duck-filled-fatty-pus
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
If a lamb and tiger were crossed, you would end up with a striped sweater.
Computers cannot make good boxers because their bark is worse than their byte.
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
Have you heard about the new book all about flamingos? Apparently it’s flying off the shelves.
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
Help! I need your number in my long-term memory.
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
Dad: Years ago I had the opportunity to meet R.E.M., and we even took a picture together with my buddies.
Son: Where are you in the photo?
Dad: That's me in the corner.
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet...
But then my browser froze.
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
My wife wanted to plant flowers
Problem is she hasn’t botany.
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
What should you give a deer when it gets stomachache?
Elk-a-seltzer.
I would tell a time travel joke,
but you didn't like it.
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
Baby flamingos really are badly behaved. I think it’s because their parents never put their foot down.
Why do dinosaurs eat raw meat? Because they don't know how to cook.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef!
Why do microwaves always mess up WiFi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
What did the mushroom say after the car accident? Help I’m a truffle!
If a dog chews shoes, whose shoes does he choose?
I like you very mulch. I think about you every daisy.
Why do dogs hate computers?
They can’t stick their heads out of those Windows.
I knew a vampire who was trying to become an actor. He gave it his best shot, but ended up retraining. He just couldn't find a role he could sink his teeth into.
Why did the orange fall out of the tree?
It went out on a limb.
Ouch, you're getting older,
Time for aches and pains to appear,
When nothing's where it should be,
And you shun anything tight or sheer.
But worry not, my dear friend,
Because aging can be so fun,
You will just jiggle a little more,
When you try to walk or run.
(Kevin Nishmas)
What kind of fruit salad is most resistant to sunburn?
The kind with extra melon in.
oses are red, violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter, and so are you.
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
The fruit started to stutter as it was suffering from peach deterioration.