Cute dog! I just wanted to take this op-paw-tunity to say hi!
How do you write a book about bats? With a ghostwriter.
Santa's beard is so long because he's bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?
Excuse me, there has been a heartbreak incident and I need your number to solve it.
One of the most courageous souls in the world is anybody who looks at a pineapple and thinks that “I bet I would eat it.”
Do you like interjections? YES? NO! GOOD!
What do you get when you cross a pig and superman?
The Man of Squeal.
Many people have a mythical belief about soup. It is called soup–erstition.
How do you find zebra?
Look under zeshirt.
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
Ensure you save for the rainy day because even your closest friends can give you a cold shoulder.
What a werewolf movie, talk about howling!
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.” – Charlie McCarthy
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
What’s the easiest way to catch fish? Have someone throw it at you!
All this lidocaine and I still have feelings for you.
On Halloween night, the walking dead clones
Shuffle around with mumbled grunts and groans
But have no fear
When they come near
They would rather die, than turn off their phones!
What do they call the Hunger Games in France?
Battle Royale with Cheese.
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
What do you call a cherry that is hard as nails? Tough as old fruits.
Are you dessert because I'm finished.
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
Baby, if you were words on a page, you’d be what they call ‘FINE PRINT’!
How did the raindrop ask another raindrop on a date?
He asked her “Water you doing tonight?”
Why did the cow go right up to the spaceship? To see the Mooooooooooon.
I've started a new band called "Blanket".
We're a cover band
Are you into science? Because I lab you so much!
Why did Eve want to leave the garden of Eden and move to New York ? She fell for the Big Apple !
What did Mama pig ask her kids every day after school?
“Hoofeels hungry?”
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.
Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.
Werewolves love similes and metafurs.
When I log my run in my journal today, it will say I ran with my future wife today.
While rainbows must be many colors, they should always stay blue to themselves.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
You're so beautiful, I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of you.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Avenue.
Avenue who?
Avenue knocked on this door before?
St. Patrick’s is all about the pursuit of hoppiness!
What does the like to parrot wear to the beach? A beak-ini!
What do you call a sleeping werewolf?
An unaware-wolf.
Astronauts can't open milk bottles in space. 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream'.
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
Did you hear the one about the recycling family of triplets? Polly, Ethel and Ian.
What's a shark's favorite hobby?
Anything he can sink his teeth into.
What are a submissive's favorite vegetables?
Collared greens.
What do you call ten arctic hares hopping backward through the snow?
A receding hare line.
My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.
Where does an elf family stay when on vacation?
At a Ho-ho-ho-tel!
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.