“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
When where.
When where who?
Tonight, my place, me and you.
What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? “Hey, close the door! I’m dressing!”
What streets do ghosts haunt? Dead ends!
What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?
I did it for the Monet.
I need to stop being such a numbskull.
I’m like the smell of chlorine – I’ll never leave you.
Scrambled eggs are similar to a losing basketball team because both are beaten.
What kind of vehicle does Bigfoot drive?
A big toe-truck.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lego
Lego who?
Lego of me and I'll tell you!
What do you call a Mexican bear with a rubber toe?
Robearto.
Why did the banana go to see the doctor? The banana was not peeling very well.
I love you I love you
I do
I’ll play the kazoo
I may not be good
It may be too loud
I love you I love you
I’ll dance a jig
I may miss a step
or fall on my pig
I love you I love you
I do
even if this poem isn’t cool
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
Apparently Dracula sets up a password for every website so he can click on Your Account.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
I cannot think of anything sweeter than chocolate than - oops! of course, there is you!
Fine Wine Pick-Up Line: Hey babe, what are you doing this fall? 'Cause I'd like to make you part of the season's harvest.
What do you call it when Dr. Frankenstein makes tea?
A monstrositea.
I was born in the wild but for you I would be domesticated.
"Dying to have fun."
Do you know about April 1st?
Yes, I’m fooly aware of it!
"On cloud wine."
How many ears do you think a Spock has? Three. A right ear, left ear, and a final front ear.
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
Q. What did Ena say after Bambi was killed by a semi truck?
A. He will be dearly missed.
What does a Triceratops sit on? Its Tricera-bottom.
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
Tom Clancy
I’m opening a grocery store that specializes in Swiss cheese and donuts.
I’m calling it Hole Foods.
Say this aloud: Eye Yam Stew Peed
Yo baby, you want to see me solve a quadratic?
After a tiring day at work, my wife drew me a relaxing bath. It wasn't very smart of me to ask if it was going to be in color or a sketch.
Its ok to kiss a nun....
But don't get into the habit.
Did you hear about the color bomb?
Yeah it blue up.
Anaerobic respiration reminds me of how you take my breath away.
I have a good nature joke but after listening to it, everyone just leaves.
Did you hear about the submarine industry?
It really took a dive...
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
When I got my first job at the bowling alley, I was only tenpin.
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice-bergers!
In your hands my heart is clay, To take and hold as you may.
What all kinds of stars wear the sunglasses? The movie stars.
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.
What do llamas call the end of the world?
Llamageddon.
Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.
My friend was totally addicted to the cold meat section in our local supermarket. It got so bad, they had to quit cold turkey.
What is a grammar vampire's least favourite drink?
Type-O.