Had a colonoscopy the other day,
Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.
Let me plant one on ya!
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
Do you wanna see a magic trick? Watch me pull something out of my pants!
How do you know if there is a Brachiosaurus in bed with you? By the dinosnores.
The reason you will see all the cows lie down when it starts to rain is because they want to keep each
udder dry.
Dust is a disk's worst enemy.
What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.
Clean clams crammed in clean cans.
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
I’ve never lost a game of football basketball or volleyball!
Though I’ve never played a game either.
I saw a lion in a bar, trying to pick up a lioness literally half his age
and I'm like "man, you must have *no* pride"
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
Why didn’t one skeleton want to look at the other skeleton?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
What does a deer do when it gets to its friend’s house?
Rings the deer bell.
Did you know Teslas don't have that new car smell?
They have more of an Elon Musk.
That mask is becoming on you. If it were me, I’d be coming too.
Why was the crab embarrassed?
Because the sea weed.
Will you give me your number or will you let me spend the whole night guessing the digits?
Why does the spinal cord belong in the brass section of an orchestra?
Because of its dorsal and ventral horns.
How do koalas stay in shape? They do bearobics.
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
Singular: One mango
Plural: Two menwent
Why did the lemon fail its driving test?
Because it kept peeling out
A berry funny strawberry candy is called a Laffy taffy.
If you want to vacation in Italy, don't be afraid to Rome around.
It’s worth a shot.
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said I was jammed.
What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
What’s Austrian and took over France?
Croissants.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
Whenever fall arrives, leaves start changing their color autumn-matically.
Why did the baseball player decide to shut down his website?
It just wasn't getting any hits.
The brain is an amazing organ
it really makes you think.
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden Seizure salad
My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me any time you want to.
If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.
What do teapots wear to a tea party? A T-shirt.
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.
One day I asked him why.
He told me "I am always in purrsuit."
Did you hear about the rabbit who refused to leave her house? She was having a bad hare day.
There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."
My dad was the top clown at the circus, but unfortunately he passed away.
I guess I have some pretty big shoes to fill.
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.