So in my trip to Spain i got attacked by a bull.
Oh man that's spainful.
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”
Why did the artist get into a heated argument with the gallery curator? He just wasn't in the right frame of mind.
Did you know there’s an app for corn growers?
It’s made in Sili-corn Valley!
What did the jack-o-lantern say to the psychologist? I'm hollow inside.
What country has the most birds?
Turkey.
Why don’t leprechauns run?
They’d rather jig than jog.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.
Suzie Seaword's fish-sauce shop sells unsifted thistles for thistle-sifters to sift.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”
Where you flying today? Because you landed in my heart.
After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.
Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.
Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
What do you call a monkey at the North Pole?
Lost.
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
Are you a magician? Because you just cast a spell on me.
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
“Santa Claus’ favorite swimming spot is the North Pool.”
How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
You leave me Wonton more.
Why did the pineapple’s phone die? It needed juice.
What did the eskimo say when he chopped down a tree?
Tim-brrr
Whenever the peach father gets mad at his son, he just screams loudly: “You are the son of a peach!”
What’s the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush?
One crushes boats and the other brushes coats!
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
What is a good place for bat jokes?
A public bat room.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Rabbit.
Rabbit who?
Rabbit up carefully, it's a present!
How many worms does it take to eat a zombie?
It depends on the size of the zombie!
What do you do with a wardrobe door that is slightly ajar?
You clothes it.
When I was younger, I once smashed up a nest of heron's eggs.
No egrets.
Did you hear about the owl who married a goat?
The had a hootenanny.
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
(Unknown)
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
Football pitches are almost always so wet. This is because soccer players dribble a lot.
It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.
How did the egg get up the hill?
It scrambled up.
What did the flower say when he wanted a second chance?
I’ll grow on you.
Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet?
But most of them only have four!
I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.
“The average vacation is one-tenth playing—nine-tenths paying.”
–Arnold Glasow
Your name must be trigonometry, because you make me want to cry.
"Dust"
The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!
– P. A. Ropess