I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg.

Are you WiFi?
Because I can feel the connection between us.

“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”

Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.

How does the sun say hi to the moon?
With a heat wave!

I am pretty sure that the favourite soup of Dracula is the Scream of tomato.

When Berry the dog dug up the woman's strawberry patch, she angrily exclaimed "That is the final straw, Berry."

The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.

"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."

- Neil Armstrong.

What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.

Composers always score.

A stoner, a Jedi and a surgeon walk into a bar.
Blunt force trauma.

What kind of insect is bad at football?
A fumble-bee.

How do you make a dog stop barking in the backyard?
Move him to the front yard.

If you were a fishing fly you'd be 'irresistible'.

Most camels prefer camelmile drinks because of the nutrition in there.

My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck

It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

I really like the Lion King
and every day the urge to sing one of the songs is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.

You can never get short balls over the net! Solution: Drop shot from arsenal.

I wish I was a Trypanosoma Cruzi so I could live in your heart.

I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”

Why is corn popular around Halloween?
Because it’s so earie.

Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.

What happened to the skier who was injured the the top of the peak?
It's been all downhill from there.

Recently I was at a store walking down the flash drives and hard drives section.
I have to say, it was quite a walk down the memory lane.

What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.

Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.

The cabinet I made just collapsed and a bunch of books fell and hit me.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.

What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.

In what state is the Amazon River? It is in the liquid state.

How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.

What is a female "Douchebag" in France called??
A douche-baguette.

If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.

My brother was trampled to death by a flock of sheep.
May he rest in fleece.

“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober

What did the pink panther say when he stepped on the ant? A. deadant deadant deadant deadant.

“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert

There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.

And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.

But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h

Did you hear about the salad race the other day?
The Lettuce was ahead, but the Tomato was ketchoping up...

The tree got so tired of fighting with autumn, that he said, "Enough is enough! I'm leaf-ing".

The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.

"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert

I was going to try putting a mushroom into my cola. I wanted to be a my cola gist.

I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.

“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow

Are you ice cream? Because your face looks like rocky road.

After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.