Whenever two vegetarians fall in love, you know that’s going to be a great pear. Now lettuce celebrate, because we all love vegetables.
What did the man do when he dropped his violin?
He quartet...
Volcanoes are rude! They are always int-erupt-ing.
How much fur can you get from a dinosaur ? As fur as you can get!
I'm reading a romance book in Braille.
I don't think I'll finish. It's too touchy feely for me.
The peach sports organization rended a commercial peach for a game of peach ball.
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
"I treated this relationship like my diet, one cheat day a week."
My dad thought Cuba would be boring. He's now Havana a really great time.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
What's a slut like you doing in a classy joint like this?
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
How about we play a fun game called Haida totem pole?
What do you call a turkey after Thanksgiving?
Lucky.
There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.
I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
What is the poshest breed of dog?
A Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.
Who is a Yeti's favorite Dracula actor?
Christobrr Lee.
What do you call a big Irish spider?
A Paddy long legs.
Dust is a disk's worst enemy.
What did the seal say to the walrus after dating him for three months?
I think we should sea otter people.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.
It's a vicious cycle.
On Thanksgiving, why did the turkey cross the table?
To get to the other sides.
Where do koalas go to settle legal matters? A kangaroo court!
I was just curious? Are you as good as all the guys say you are?
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you
Are you a werewolf? 'Cause I'm lycan what I see.
The orange said to the melon, “You are one in a melon.” The melon replied, “You are so appealing.”
Which front-office type is the most promiscuous? The general ménageur.
What’s the opposite of Himalayan salt?
Herastandin pepper.
Why did no one want to sit near Shrek?
He had terrible body ogre.
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
What do you call a large colorful pile of leaves?
The Great Barrier Leaf.
Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?
When I look into the Mirror of Erised, I see you giving me your number.
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck...
It was a camel tow
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
The hiker hated the top of the mountain because it was all downhill from there!
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
What do you call a stampeding herd of llamas?
The alpacalypse.
There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’
What do you call someone that's hungry for some cuddles?
Hugry.
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas