Did they just take you out of the oven? Because you’re hot!
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
How does a goblin eat a hotdog?
By goblin it.
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
I guess you could say that things hit by tornado's are blown up.
What do you call it when a truck of tortoises crashes into an aquarium?
A turtle disaster.
"The Theoretic Turtle"
The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”
– Amos R. Wells
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself!
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
What do you get when you cross a parrot with a shark?
An animal that talks your head off.
Is your Wi-Fi on because I can feel a very strong connection with you?
I drank alot of alcohol at the airport last night.
I now have a terminal hangover.
My wife tried to claim she was a night owl.
She was lying though, because when I tried to turn her head through 270 degrees, her neck snapped.
Did you hear about the cow that committed murder? It was in cow-ld blood! How dairy.
Have you heard about the pig who killed his own farmer? He did it to save his bacon.
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
Why are Catholics the best runners during the Easter season?
They fast during Lent!
I do find that flamingos don’t plan very well for the future… They’re too prone to putting all their eggs in the one basket.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
If you were a fruit you'd be a fineapple.
What did the monkey say when he cut off his tail?
It won’t be long now.
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.
What do you call it when a raven marries a crow? A conspiracy to commit to murder.
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
The wind had such a great time. You could say it had a blast.
Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?
- by Jeff Kyser
What do you say when your horse proposes to your other horse?
Call the marrier!
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
My love for you is like dividing by zero… It can’t be defined!
A cheese factory exploded in France...
da brie is everywhere.
Your beauty is a singularity. The force of attraction between us is so powerful.
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
The cabinet I made just collapsed and a bunch of books fell and hit me.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
Why did the horse climb Everest?
She liked mount-ains.
You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
What kind of car do fancy horses drive?
Mustangs.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
Two red blood cells met and fell in love, but alas, it was all in vein.
Why doesn't Daniel Tosh eat Hot Dogs? He can't find the zipper
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
A gorilla starts off his day by going to his car
When he gets to his car, he notices hes missing something. He walks back in his house, and asks his wife "Have you seen monkeys?"
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
I am not your first love, but I would love to be the last.
You make me want to upgrade my Tivo.
What did the first thunderstorm of the year say?
Hail to the spring!
He couldn't get over his dead wife, so he got a new computer
Now he can processor.
This relationship is kinda like the Superbowl LIII halftime show; I can’t wait for it to be over.