I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it
I bought a bunny because everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
The moto of their school bowling team was ‘let’s knock em down’.
Sir William Howe... are you doing?
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!
I checked my phone bill after my trip to Italy, and it said I spent DCXII dollars.
I must have left on Data Roman.
Ever wonder what's happening under Orion's belt?
Are you dressed up as a tree? Cause you’re giving me wood.
Are you a cherry? Because I want to pick you up.
If a flower grew every time you’d cross my mind, I’d have a field of flowers.
"Arithmetic"
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.
– Judith Viorst
What did the priest say at the flooding river?
God, dam it!
You cannot strike it, if you don’t try it.
How do you measure the circumference of a Sheep?
Shepherds Pie
My boss has just fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
Oh well!! That's the end of my Korea.
If I freeze, it's not a computer virus. I was just stunned by your beauty.
If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.
What do you get when you cross a dog with a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? She wanted a Big Mac meal.
Why are mountains always sleepy? Because they n-Everest.
My Japanese dentist became a woman.
He’s a trans zen dentalist.
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
I got my COVID-19 vaccine from a "doctor" who approached me in a downtown alley after midnight, offering it for $50 cash.
It was a shot in the dark, but I took it.
Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."
Come, let’s measure the coefficient of friction between us.
A mosquito can fly, but a fly cannot mosquito.
I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....
They're my quilty pleasure
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
Forget Santa, you’re on my nice list.
What did the cactus wear with their suit?
A cactie.
What is a werewolf’s favorite tree?
A lu-pine.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Greece!
Greece who?
Are Greece and oil the same thing?
What happened when the koala tripped and fell in a crowded restaurant? He got embearassed.
What is the perfect day to go to the beach?
Sun-day!
How do cows intake water?
by Osmoosis.
What do you call a communist vampire?
A red blood count.
What did one deoxygenated blood cell say to the other?
We're all in vain.
You know what’s on the menu? ME-N-U
Did you hear about the gorilla with a screw loose?
He needed to use a money wrench to tighten it.
What did the fish say when he posted bail?
I’m off the hook!
You must put a lot of spices in your food because you look smoking hot.
I don’t get why people buy into the flat earth theory.
I mean, the arguments for it aren’t exactly well rounded.
Elon Musk is now the richest person on the planet.
Space X has really taken off this past year.
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
I came across a great movie about a semi-truck with a defective refrigeration unit that had to deliver a large shipment of meat.
Unfortunately, the trailer spoiled it.
Did you know you can hear blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Have you heard about the banker who drowned in a river? It was a river of cash.
Why was the football pitch a triangle?
Because someone took a corner
"Standing on a Chair"
I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!
You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.
I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.
I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!
– Steve Hanson
I've never understood the fashion industry, those people are so clothes-minded.