Where does fog go to the bathroom?
Anywhere it wants.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.
What do you call a dinosaur with a foul mouth? Bronto-swore-us.
I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.
It's called Meal or no Meal.
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
Do you also feel the strong gravitational pull of my bed?
Isabella Isabeauty for sure
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
I’ll never leaf you.
Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
“Is this the Spanish word for ‘nap’?” She asked, pointing to a word on the page.
“Si, está.”
What did one Emperor Penguin say to the other?
Nothing, he just gave him the cold shoulder.
How many prison guards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just beat the room for being black.
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
Why should you never tell jokes about radon, cobalt and yttrium? They are just too CoRnY.
What do you call a magician on a plane? A flying sorcerer!
My priest fired me from playing guitar with the choir.
Apparently it’s blasphemous to play a Gsus2 chord.
How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"
How will the other onions remember the onion that died? It will be forever minced!
I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.
When you buy a bigger bathtub....
You have more bath room, but less bathroom.
My friend bought a different toothpaste this time...
It was a nice change of paste.
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
The most useless room in a ghost's home in the living room.
I had a nightmare about being attacked by a shark.
When I woke up I realized it was just a bream.
What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have? Baby Dinosaurs.
If a black bug bleeds black blood, what color blood does a blue bug bleed?
What did the deer say to her friend when she needed assistance?
“Could you doe me a favour?”
What's yellow and always points to the north? A magnetic banana.
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
What do you call a funny parrot spoof
A parody
I like to write jokes down and store them on my phone, so that I can tell them to him later.
I call it my Dad-abase.
A berry from which you can directly drink out of is a straw-berry.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
Are you a pile of soiled dishes? Because I want to spend the entire evening with you.
What is the collective noun for Ghosts? Team spirit.
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
Why are sponges such good listeners?
Because they soak up everything.
What do fruits do when they are really really afraid? They run away as fast as their legs can cherry them.
What does a tornado wear under his clothes? Thunderwear!
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
I like you so much that I’ll give you my real number. Not the fake ones I give to all the other guys.
Seven days without playing soccer can make one weak.
What does bread say to a friend after doing them a favor?
It’s the yeast I could do.
Why couldn’t the little girl ride the horse?
It was feeling bucky.
What did the zombie say when she thought the werewolf was keeping secrets?
Spill the zombeans.