I just got fired from my theatre job. I guess I should've made a bigger scene about it.

A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...

Why did the duck cross the road?
He was tied to the chicken.

On reflection, vampires aren't actually that scary.

I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
I'm no longer covered.

Rhys watched Ross switch his Irish wristwatch for a Swiss wristwatch.

Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?

Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly

Juvenile Court Tries Shooting Defendant

My turn signal wasn’t working,
So I asked for help from a friend.
“Stand behind the car,” I said.
“Let’s get this problem to end.”
“When I turn the signal on,
If it’s working, let me know.”
I hit the blinker and then I heard:
“Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!”
(Joanna Fuchs)

How many volleyball referees do you need to screw in a light bulb? None because they are always in the dark.

Why is the giant afraid of Jack?
Because Jack's beanstalking him.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

“Every mile is two in winter.”

Our local butcher had to go to the doctor the other day. He didn’t know what was wrong, but said that he was feeling offal.

Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!

Why did the tricycle not hang out with the bicycles?
It felt like a third wheel

What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"

It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.

Near the town of Hannah Montana people found a dinosaur skeleton.
Scientists identified it as a Mileysaurus.

Do you breathe oxygen? We have so much in common.

What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing? Darth Wader.

What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!

Q. Which Greek eggplant dish do deer really eat up?
A. Moose-aka.

Where do birch trees keep their jewelry? In the river bank.

Forget hydrogen, you're my number one element.

When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"

Where are sharks from?
Finland!

"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown

I saw a cow on fire ther dayand so I put it out.
Guess you could call it a rare experience.

Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.

How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t get up that high.

Aren't you tired? Because you've been galloping through my mind all evening.

What is a monkey’s favourite cookie?
Chocolate Chimp!

I wanted to tell a knife joke to my friend
But it just won't cut it.

How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth.

At the Italian restaurant, the ghoul ordered spook-ghetti for his main course.

I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.

There's a serious ear condition that dogs can get, it makes their ears ring all the time.
It's called Rin-Tin-Tinnitus.

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

(Amos Russel Wells)

What's an owl's favorite subject at school?
Owl-gebra.

There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.

What did the brick road say on thanksgiving?
Cobble cobble cobble!

You’re the batteries to my flashlight.

"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown

In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?

What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!

This dog is beautiful. I see he takes after his owner.

My feelings for you are Mont-real.

What was wrong with the deer’s smile?
He had buck teeth.