What do dolphins need to stay healthy?
Vitamin Sea!
Are you from South England? Cause you Brighton up my day.
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
What did the dinosaur ask his pet dog when he wanted afternoon tea with him?
Do you want some tea, Rex?
Seed between the lines.
Why did the Sugar Maple have to go to the dentist? It really needed a root canal.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor? It was feeling green!
Someone vandalized my keyboard leaving only 1 button.
Surprisingly, the police were more thorough in the investigation than I expected. They even asked to see my colon.
There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself...
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
Did you know you can fit 30 bananas in a kangaroo’s pouch?
Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore.
Why was the dogwood always making bad choices? Because he kept barking up the wrong tree.
Did you hear about the orange boxer?
He got beaten to a pulp.
How do you defeat a meat-loving vampire? With a steak to the heart!
Q: Why do windmills love loud, heavy rock music?
A: They’re metal fans.
Silly sheep weep and sleep.
Oh me, oh Jeremiah, that is one great face you have there
Why was the glow worm unhappy ?
Because her children weren’t that bright !
I like my girls like I like my Microsoft Word documents - Saved.
Why did the baker keep putting too much flour in the bread? Because he was a gluten for punishment.
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
What do you call an bat with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
What do you call it when a skeleton is having a great time?
An osteoblast.
A chemistry lab is like a big party.
Some drop the acid while others drop the base.
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog?
A croaker spaniel.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson
What is Santa's favorite breakfast food? Snow-flakes.
Q: Why did the tiger eat the lamp?
A: He wanted a light lunch.
Many mumbling mice are making merry music in the moonlight.
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
Why did the gnome take the subway to work?
Because a metro-gnome is always on time.
Why did the cat decide to sleep under the car? Because she wanted to wake up oily!
When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.
Why couldn’t the orange dance in the talent show without his partner?
Because it takes two to “tang-o.”
A protestor threw a bunch of spices on Jason "Pink" London, but all it did was leave him "Saged and Confused".
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden Seizure salad
“Did you hear the forecast for Christmas Eve? They’re calling for rain, dear!”
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
Where do killer whales go to get their braces?
The orca-dontist.
What do you call a chair in a suit?
A tuxSEATo
What do you call a goat that acts immaturely?
A silly billy.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
Ah, I always knew all Alexanders were Great