Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
I would ask for Netflix and Chill, but you look like you are into more interactive stories.
My wife doesn't like spicy food and I think it's a cayenne shame.
What did the cow say to his friend when they met twice in the same day? “What a cow-incidence!”
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
My grandfather recently passed, and I discovered in his journal that he has an immense hatred for sloths, pandas, and koala bears. Looking back, it was obvious.
He was always going on about those darn tree-huggers.
What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can’t tunafish.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
How do you know you’re in love with a flower?
Not a daisy goes by where you don’t think of them.
Which dance will a chicken not do?
The foxtrot.
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).
Did you hear about the Irishman that drank 100 liters of stout in just 30 minutes?
They’re calling it a Guinness World Record.
What is a basketball players favorite kind of cheese? Swish cheese!
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
What a werewolf movie, talk about howling!
Which month can’t make a decision?
MAY-be.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
Hey girl… Can I call-cu-later?
Dear Turkey, don't worry... they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, all women.
What do you call a bee trying to make up its mind?
A maybee
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
How did the cheese get such curly hair?
It got a permasan.
Why did the tadpole feel lonely?
Because he was newt to the area.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Irish.
Irish who?
Irish you a nice day.
Why do Minotaurs make terrible detectives?
Because they hate to go on steak-outs!
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
Did you hear about the forgetful unicorn mom? She kept feeding her kids milk of amnesia.
Why was there lightning and thunder in the lab?
The scientists were brainstorming.
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
Did you hear a gnome's favorite sport is baseball?
They love to score gnome runs.
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig!
You warm my heart more than the salted caramel hot chocolate on a cold winter day.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
Who’s at the door?
It’s snowbody.
Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the One.
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
Which Star Wars character was the orange cast for?
Emperor Pulpatine.
A lorry load of pears has crashed on the motorway. It’s caused a huge jam.
Are you lonesome tonight? I can't help falling in love with you.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
Are you like this mountain? Because I can’t seem to get over you.