How can you tell if a crab is drunk?
It walks straight
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
Why did the girl put lipstick on her forehead?
She needed to makeup her mind!
On my farm, an entire lot of onions had some allergic reactions that broke out in chives!
Did you hear about the shoe factory that exploded?
Many soles were lost.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk
Why shouldn’t you grab a werewolf by its tail?
It might be the werewolf’s tail but it could be the end of you!
There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.
Let’s put our tulips together.
Vampires are not even real. Unless you Count Dracula.
Where is a basketball player's favorite place to eat?
Dunkin' Donuts
Why Did the Milkman Get Fired?
He was skimming off the top.
Icy what you did there!
The worst part about being a giraffe…
Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
Who is a Penguin’s favorite pop star?
Seal.
This book of spells was useless. The author forgot to run spell check.
What does it feel like to be the most gorgeous girl in the room?
I tried playing baseball in the fog today.
It was a bit hit and mist.
What’s the best meal to eat in an igloo?
Brr-eakfast!
In Ireland, when the cows are in the road it’s udder chaos.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Paris!
Paris who?
Paris the thought!
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.
Why did the two Irish men fight amongst themselves?
They can’t find any other worthy opponents.
How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.
What did the Australian Chess player say about the mouldy bread?
"Stalemate."
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
The plural of mango should be changed to mengo
It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!
Why did the bee get married?
She found her honey.
I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”
When the storm begun, the garden party became a bit disorganized and food service was turned to a frost come frost served.
"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant
What’s the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles because there’s a mile between each s.
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
Why are trees such great thieves? They really have sticky fingers.
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
College-age vampires only ever shop in one place - Forever 21.
Looking out at the water, a father explains why the ice breaks up in the spring.
The changing sea son.
Being shellfless entails volunteering at the relief center during disaster.
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!