A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"
What do you call a rich goblin?
GOBLING.
Where do wasps go on holiday?
Stingapore.
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
Who's the scariest dancer ever?
The Boogie Man.
How can you tell which rabbits are getting old? Look for the grey hares.
What does pooh eat at parties?
Blue bear-y pie.
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre?
A: They apparently went to see "Closed For The Winter"
Where do zombie monkeys live?
In the brain forest.
Why didn’t Guns N Roses turn up for the gig when it was snowing?
Axel Froze.
Q. What can a buck take after a night of drinking at a stag party?
A. Elk-a-seltzer.
I really hate rock puns.
My sediments exactly.
I hope for world peas.
What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?
“Gotta take the gouda with the bad.”
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Why did the bus driver take a long break? He needed a wheel-y good rest!
I bought a boat because it was for sail.
What did the worm say to his friend when he got stuck in pumpkin?
Worm your way out of that one!
What do French cherry parents say to their little cherries at home? You are mon cherry.
Let's get out of here and explore the North Pole. I'm a rebel without a Claus.
Knock, knock
Who’s there? CIA CIA, who? CI ate your last doughnut!
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
Why do Earth Science professors like to teach about ammonia?
Because it's basic material.
What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
What do you call a month’s worth of rain?
England.
Sorry for stating the obvious
But you look good!
What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig? I wanna get a head!
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
You'd never get a rainbow in the red of night.
Hey Baby, wanna find out why they call me Pumpkin-Head?
What do u get from a perverted apple? Hard Cider.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
Q: Why was the fruit not selected for the singing competition?
A: He has a flat peach.
Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.
Why do cows have no money?
Because farmers milk them dry.
What does an owl with an attitude have?
A scowl.
There are lots of funny jokes about mushrooms that can give you stitches. However, you need to be patient enough because they need time to grow on you.
Why did the dunce get hurt after raking leaves? He fell out of the tree.
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
Why do donuts hate puns so much?
They donut like to joke around!
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
Your beauty is blinding.
How do whales make a decision?
They flipper coin.
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"