Do you know how to hop? Because your body is in top form.
I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
Your plants have taken roots deep within my heart.
What do zombies say to their sweethearts?
- I chew-s you.
I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.
If I was a sticker, would you add me to your vintage luggage set?
I am lucky we are hiking together this evening.
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
My sister asked me for some spider puns.
I told her to look them up on the web.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
What do you call an Irish gem that’s a fake?
A sham rock.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Why do brain cells grown in a dish attend the ballet and opera?
Because they are very cultured.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
Many years ago, my grandfather used to cut the grass- but, he's been gone for a lawn time.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
What did the mother brain say to her oldest child when it was bothering her youngest child?
It didn't want to get brain-washed.
What do you call an extremely disgusting unicorn that no one likes? An eeeww-nicorn.
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
"Happy Easter to all my peeps."
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua.
What do you call a boy and girl playing blues music? The battle of the saxes.
Hey, Are you made of candy? Because you look sooo sweet!
What do you call a giant gorilla with pean u t butter in one ear and Jam in the other?
Anything you want, he's not going to hear you!
Kicking off the afternoon in the best way possible
My love for you is as crazy as mad cow disease.
What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?
COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why are glow worms good to carry in your Halloween bag?
They can lighten your load!
What’s the coldest fish in the sea?
A blue whale!
Why do sharks only swim in salt water?
Because pepper always makes them sneeze.
Are you a break stroker? Because you make my knees weak.
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
Believe in your elf.
What do you call a smartass bird of prey?
A know it owl.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
A robot is eating a hard drive for lunch.
The robot's friend asks for a bite and the robot says "Sure, but just a small bite." His friend takes a bite and the robot shouts, "Hey! That's a megabyte!"
Why did the skeleton have to testify in court?
Because he was a body of evidence.
What did the astronaut cook for lunch? An unidentifiable frying object.
What does a cheese say when you ask him to share a secret?
He cantal.
You don’t need car keys to drive me crazy.
What did the man say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster ya!
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
Did you hear the plum joke? A: It was pitiful.