A barber, a hairdresser, and Bigfoot walk into a bar...
You know what...I'm gonna shave this joke for another time.
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
Eating no meat except fish is really bothersome.
I should stop being a Pesky-tarian.
What's a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
Mom: *Struggling to make a decision between 1% or 2%.
Dad: Milk up your mind!
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
I never knew how lightning worked
Thats until it finally struck me.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
A company from Israel took over the Greek national cheese factory in Greece
Now it's called the Cheeses of Nazareth.
How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed?
You buy it from the cat-alog!
Are you going to a beauty contest? Because you are looking damn beautiful.
The best stretches are partner stretches.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Eleph-ino! (Sounds like "Hell if I know!")
I'm giving away my legless parrot, no perches necessary!
Hey baby are you a boxer? You should try it, because your one hell of a knock out!
Why did the man wear a rabbit as a hat? He didn’t want anyone to harm a Hare on his head!
All the jingle ladies, all the jingle ladies.
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
When his wife was preparing his favorite chocolate cake, the baseball player said "Batter Up.
What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.
How do fleas get from place to place?
By itch-hiking.
Hey I hope you don’t mind me messaging you… something about you just seemed very Amy-cable
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
I was doing brain surgery to a patient the other day
He was rather open-minded if you ask me.
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners!
What do you call a painting by a cat of herself? A self paw-trait.
How did they punish the longshoreman whose improper ship mooring caused the destruction of a pier?
They docked his pay.
I've never understood the fashion industry, those people are so clothes-minded.
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
What is the cutest car?
A BM-cuddle-U
Girls just wanna have sun.
What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Better read than dead.
Are you a human? Just making sure.
What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A centipede with athlete’s foot.
Did you know that ghosts call their true love their ghoul-friend?
You're so clover!
What did the crow said when it saw a car coming? Cawr.
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
Where are koalas taken when they die? To an ancient bearial site.
What’s the difference between me and your socks? I’m not yours anymore.
I don't like clouds. They're always throwing shade.
Where do boats go when they get sick? The dock
What do you get if you cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle neck jumper.
You feel like that old book tucked away in a corner – one look at it still makes my heart skip a beat.