“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
Why did the cow wear a bell around her neck?
Because her horn didn’t work.
Doctor Doctor I've broken my arm in four places.
Docter: Well stop going to those 4 places then!
Are you crippling depression and anxiety? Because you haunt me at every waking hour.
I just had the most manly craft beer at my Israeli restaurant.
It was called He-Brew.
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.
What's faster - lightning, light, or diarrhea?
Diarrhea. Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
Why was the actress scared of the deer?
She had stag fright.
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
"What are your thoughts on diving?"
"Well, I guess it's descent as a hobby."
Sorry I've been following you...
But my parents told me to chase my dreams.
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There was a team member bar tending who could serve spiked drinks.
I don't agree with battery hens.
Surely they'd lay bigger eggs if they were plugged into the mains.
Which knight is the protector of foods?
Sir Anwrap
How can you make a computer system cry? Delete his cookies.
What did the water in the fire truck say when it came to a sudden stop?
I'm baffled.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
Q: What is a peach’s favorite book?
A: War and Peach
I'm not the fig plucker,
nor the fig plucker's son,
but I'll pluck figs
till the fig plucker comes.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano?
I really lava you!
What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off?
Awe shucks!
Everybody wants to light up a soccer stadium. However, this is only possible using a soccer match.
Did they over chlorinate the pool today or is it you making my head spin?
Fork: "Who was that ladle I saw you with last night?"
Spoon: "That was no ladle. That was my knife."
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig
Don't get caught between a chalk and a hard place.
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
What happens when a Mexican gets to the worm? He passes out.
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
Two fruit flies are out for dinner.
I'm really enjoy this date...”
“Yeah, but it’s only half rotten.”
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
What looks like half a pine tree? The other half.
What did the man say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster ya!
Why was the cabinet maker fired on his first day?
He just couldn't get a handle on it.
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...
I was amidship man.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
What kind of cheese do rodents like? Mousearella.
Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
Why don’t trees travel in groups? Because two’s a company, but tree’s a crowd.
What do you get when you cross a sloth and a Scottish rock band? Slow Patrol.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
Why did the man driving a train get struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.