Don’t hang around booze hounds. They’re wine-y bitches.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
What do you call an onion that keeps on jumping up and down? You call it a spring onion!
Hi. Do you remember me? Oh, that’s right—we’ve only met in my dreams.
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
What did the husband say when his wife told him he bought the wrong flowers?
"Oopsie daisy!"
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
What does a horse do when it smells rotten seafood?
It scallops outta there.
What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? Camel ye Faithful.
Santa's Short Suit Shrunk
What's the difference between a sniper with Parkinson's Disease and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit...
This time last year I was working as a computer programmer, installing auto correct. But out of nowhere..
.. I was fried for no raisin.
"Bone to be wild."
Why did the horse like her new backpack?
The straps were adju-stable.
Heard a rumor of a giant butterfly in London. Probably just an urban moth.
I'm a maintenance engineer and I'd love to tinker with your parts.
You: Can I borrow a quarter?
She: why? (if she says sure or something else get her to ask you why).
You: so I can call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.
Why should you never break up with a goalie?
Because he is a keeper!
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
Why do owls make such bad baseball players?
Their hits are always fowl.
What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside? A banana dressed up as a cucumber !
What did the tailor think of her new job? It was sew sew.
Can you run with me so I can tell my friends I've ran with an angel?
Let's cross the international dateline together.
What happens when Greeks come back from war?
They get a gyro’s welcome.
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.
Damn girl, are you British?
Because you just conquered my heart
Come with me, let’s convert our potential energy into kinetic energy.
I sued the airport authorities because they misplaced my belongings
I lost the case
I used to hate my husband's cologne...
But then it started to rub off on me.
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
When was the last time you got a cute good morning text? Give me your number so we can fix that.
You must be from Quebec because these feelings I have for you are Mont-real.
What is the greeting that Korean onions tell each other when they meet in the streets? They say 'Onion-Haseyo'.
How did the cheese get such curly hair?
It got a permasan.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
What do witches put on their bagels?
Scream cheese.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
What do you call a dog who can fight?
A Boxer.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
If everything in life passes, why do not you pass me your WhatsApp?
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
I saw a sheep covered in plastic
It was lambinated.