Why was Frankenstein’s monster always being arrested?
He was so easy to charge.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Iran!
Iran who?
Iran over here to tell you this!
Where do dogs go after the their tails fall off?
The re-tail store.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced
People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.
You’ve really Penelopeaked my interest
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!
Q: How is hurricane season like Christmas?
A: At some point, there’s going to be a tree inside your house.
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
Fall hardly happens here, but You'll be falling for me.
Are you into science? Because I lab you so much!
What do you call a guy who believes in ethical treatment of spiders?
Peta Parker.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
Wind carried the sound of two people mocking each other to my ears.
I was in diss-gust.
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
I had a few doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.
Turns out... it was a safe purchase.
I think we'd make a cute pear.
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don't make fun of my re-seeding hare line.
I have an exciting new job as an explosives engineer blowing up mountains for tunnels and roads.
It's Groundbreaking work.
I love having dinner in a local restaurant. It has a soup-erb speciality that mixes soup and herbs.
How do monkeys get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
I would love to live in Yorkshire, because it Leeds me to your heart.
How did the monster predict his future?
With the horror-scope!
Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
What do you call the Frankenstein of the Gardening world?
An A-botan-ation.
Hey beautiful! Your face is like a moon. Always glowing.
What goes eek, eek, bang?
A mouse in a minefield!
How does a penguin make pancakes?
With its flippers.
What did the British man say to the man with the submachine gun he's never met?
Uzi?
A cross-eyed teacher can't control his pupils.
Hmm, there seems to be a kiss of mint in this blend. How about a real kiss, just to be sure?
Why was there lightning and thunder in the lab?
The scientists were brainstorming.
Why do earth science professors always talk about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.
What do you call a camel that looks the same from both directions?
A palindromedary!
Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.
Behind every great parent is a great kid. Happy birthday!
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
My wife and I went to a turtle pun class yesterday.
It tortoise nothing.
Did you hear about the goblin that got his left arm and left leg cut off?
Well don't worry, he's all right now.
I love you deerly.