Why did the cheerleader add extra salt to her food in the summer?
She wanted to do summer-salts.
KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.
There's a basic difference between weather and climate: you can't weather a tree, but you can definitely climate.
What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane.
What would you call a steak that leaped off the table and ran away? Fast food, of course.
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
What do you call an ant that moves to another country?
An emigr-ant.
The strawberry was scared of the cream. They were afraid it had gone bad.
Are you from South England? Cause you Brighton up my day
Why did the horse dance while crossing the road?
He was horsing around.
Why isn’t there an organization like Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because nobody wants to quit.
So I was reading my bible the other day and I was wondering if you know what Paul meant by "Greet one another with a holy kiss?"
How come an owl turns his cell phone off at night? So he doesn't get any hooty calls.
Guess what I do when my ice house falls apart.
Igloo it back together!
Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players?
They dribble all the time.
I know a guy who had both arms amputated from elbow to shoulder.
He is always serious and never humerus.
Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
Why was there lightning and thunder in the lab?
The scientists were brainstorming.
A worm child comes home. It sees mom and asks: "Mom, have you seen dad?"
Mom says: "Dad went fishing with the guys."
What did the baby deer say to his friend?
“I’m so fawn-d of you!”
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
Hide in the kitchen, hide in the hall. I will catch you.
What did daddy ghoul say to his youngest son?
Stop ghouling around!
Why doesn't Daniel Tosh eat Hot Dogs? He can't find the zipper
Why are trees the best frenemies? They are great at throwing shade.
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
What will you do when you will see a spaceman? You will simply park your car, man!
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
When pigs work together, it’s known as collab-boar-ation.
I got sacked from my job at the guillotine factory today
It’s a cut throat business
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
When I was younger, I dressed up as a frog and robbed a bank.
That was the first time that I Kerm-itted a crime.
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
What do you call a fairy that doesn’t like to shower?
Stinkerbell.
Bodies in garden are a plant says wife
What do you call a flower with a mouth?
Tulip.
If there a rainbow today? I just found the treasure I have been searching for!
The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!
What do you call a group of arms?
An army.
Wondering what crows wear during Halloween, well, they wear caw-stumes.
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”.
How many peaches can you fit inside two cans? It depends how big the Toucans are and if they eat peaches.
The bread baker won the girl over because he kept giving her a flour. How sweet!
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
Why do freshwater fish cry so much?
They’re just a stream of emotions.
What’s a pig’s favorite holiday? Ar-boar Day.
What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?
A bird who can pluck itself.
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
"Now We Are Six"
When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.
– A.A. Milne