Wear green, or leaf.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
Did you hear about the crab who went to a seafood disco?
He pulled a mussel.
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
Why do pirates not know the alphabet?
Because they always get Lost at C (Sea).
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Rocker.
I think I've just found one.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Eva.
Eva who?
Eva been asked out via knock knock joke before…?
What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.
Why is spring a great time to start a gardening business?
Because it’s the season when you can really rake in the cash.
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.
What do you call friends with airpods in their ears
Earbuds.
Did you hear about the Irishman that drank 100 liters of stout in just 30 minutes?
They’re calling it a Guinness World Record.
If you can tell me the difference between Flag Day and the 4th of July, I will buy you a drink.
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to call animal control cause I just saw a fox!
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
What song do young peaches love listening to? 'Papa don't peach'.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
Which side of a koala bear has the most fur? The outside!
Sorry, I'm octopied.
Iron Man's favourite Xmas gifts this year were socks that fire from his feet.
He called them missile toes.
Did you hear about the psychic hermit crab?
Makes shell-fulfilling prophecies.
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
Excuse me… Do these shoes make me look fast?
If Kantie can tie a tie and untie a tie,
why can't I tie a tie and untie a tie like Kantie can.
What did the WiFi router say when it was unplugged?
"Tell my wifi love her
He’s my pinch charming.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
Crows organized a cawnfrences, to discuss the upcoming project.
Whenever I hear folksy stories about the hills, I can never get over them.
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
What do you say when your horse proposes to your other horse?
Call the marrier!
How do whales make a decision?
They flipper coin.
A muslim woman wanted to adopt a gorilla. Her husband wouldn't allow it.
He said, that's haram, bae.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
Girl, you must be norepinephrine because you make my heart race.
There was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, 'Are these caps?'
She answered, 'Perhaps!'
That oracular Lady of Prague.
Did you hear what happened when the decorator painted his wife with cheese? He double Gloucester!
Date me and all of your problems will be polygone.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time?
You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
HIJKLMNO is the formula for water
H to O.
So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke and I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....
I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!
Mobile phones have been around longer than people think.
I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger.
Are you doing Ananda Balasana, or are you just happy to see me, baby?
Why do plants hate math?
Because it gives them square roots.
That's right; I'm as breathtaking as the Sydney Tower.
I now believe in Angels.
"A Knotty Problem"
A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?
– Patrick Winstanley