Oranges rarely pass driving tests, this is because they keep on peeling out.
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
A truck full of christmas trees have been stolen.
Police admit they are stumped.
I'm burning a gold-scented candle.
It has a very rich aroma.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.
When I play my violin it always sounds like it's crying
It's must be too highly strung
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
What do you get with surprise peas?
Wet legs
Are you heading to India? 'Cause I'd Goa anywhere with you!
What do you say when you find the perfect font?
You’re just my type!
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
Hey girl, you must be a math book because you’re full of problems.
Have you ever wondered if illiterate people would get the full effects of alphabet soup?
What do you call a cup of leaf juice that doesn’t want to be a dad?
Absent-tea parent.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
Are you the end of practice? Because you’re always on my mind.
Did you want to hear the joke about the mountain? Never mind, you would never get over it.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
A burglar broke into my house and took all my condiments, now I'm Spiceless in Seattle.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
Finally put up the Christmas tree...
It really spruced up the room.
Did you hear about the cheese failed to medal at the olympics? It fell at the final curdle
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
The ghoul didn't get his letter on time because it got lost at the ghost office.
The word Gnome is a corruption of the Latin word Genomus or earth dweller.
In other words, it's a misgnomer.
I like New York, unique New York, I like unique New York.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
"It's not because I don't like you, it's because I hate you."
I knew a guy who gave away his art but he only seemed to paint ducks with incomplete faces.
I asked about it once and he said "I like to bill them later."
What do Ghosts say when they are impressed? - That was spectre-cular!
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
You’re the gravy to my turkey.
What do they play at the beginning of a car movie?
The trailer.
Books are my kind of texts.
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
I don't like strong perfumes...
I guess I'm inscentsitive.
There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'
What do you call a pig with skin problems? A wart-hog.
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
Show your popcorn and coke guy at the movies a little appreciation. After all, he makes a lot of concessions.
I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!