What martial art do monkeys practice?
Flung Poo.
Tommy Tucker tried to tie Tammy's Turtles tie.
What is an owl’s dream occupation?
Flight attendant.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
You want to hear the best rock puns?
Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
Who puts money under a deer’s pillow when they lose a tooth?
The hoof fairy.
Which cranial nerve would be right at home in a well-known city in Nevada?
The vagus nerve.
What’s the name of the rabbit who stole from the rich and gave to the poor? Rabbit Hood.
An owl had a sore throat but wasn't bothered.
He couldn't give a hoot.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
Why are fish so smart Because they swim in schools!
What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
I feel like we're in tune
What type of car did the mushroom drive by in? A spores car.
Give papa a cup of proper coffee in a copper coffee cup.
How can you tell if there is a dinosaur in bed with you? By the `D' on his pajamas.
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.
What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
CSI.
Grass absorbs nutrients always by the process of grass-imilation.
The Bee Gees were such fans of onions that they even dedicated a song to it. They named it 'Chives Talking'.
When the onion band covered the song Waka Waka by Shakira, they started calling the song 'Walla Walla'.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
My brother, who is an IT guy, got surgery done on his fingers. Now he can truly be called a tech-knuckle support guy.
Why did the police arrest the milk after it was poured into a bowl of Fruit Loops? They witnessed him drown them. They knew he must be a cereal killer!
Why was the book of incantations useless?
Because the author failed to do a spell-check.
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
What’s the spiciest way to clean a horse?
With a curry comb.
Someone told me I looked like a salt shaker. I took it as a condiment.
So in my trip to Spain i got attacked by a bull.
Oh man that's spainful.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.
Looking out at the water, a father explains why the ice breaks up in the spring.
The changing sea son.
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
How does an octopus go to war?
Well armed.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
Why are street thugs so good at basketball?
Because they know how to shoot, steal, and run.
What did the Indian kid say to his mother when she left India?
Mumbai
Who's got a penchant for spearing? Pronger!
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
What did Gorgonzola say to Cheddar? Lookin' Sharp.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
What does Pooh Bear call his girl friend?
Hunny.
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin