One mermaid said to the other, "I love your shell bracelet, can I Triton?"
How do you spot a car made by Apple?
It does not have Windows.
What did the corn farmer give to his therapist?
An ear full.
I’m not sure the best way to approach you..could you give me a Vivinsider tip?
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
What do you call a smartass bird of prey?
A know it owl.
Had a great weekend. Won the annual weather forecaster's championships!
I beat the raining champion.
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons — balancing them badly.
Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
Why did the volleyball player have ropes and shoe strings? They wanted to tie the score.
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
I just lost my job and may be Baroque, but that doesn't mean I can't show you a good time.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
Why did the tree go to the dentist? To get a root canal.
I'm giving away a free legless parrot.
No perches necessary.
You’re pretty and I’m damn cute. If we’re together, we would be pretty cute.
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
Scientists believe that one day we will find Sasquatch, just...
Not Yeti.
Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Two knee.
Two knee who?
Two-knee fish!
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
Hey girl, are you a Sharpie? Cause you are Ultra Fine.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Cantaloupe!
Cantaloupe who?
Cantaloupe to Vegas, our parents would get mad.
Are you doing Ananda Balasana, or are you just happy to see me, baby?
"An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare."
You are the hottest thing since sunburn.
Do you like science because I've got my ion you.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!
How do you call stage diving at Oktoberfest?
Krautsurfing.
Of all the best pieces of wolf advice, this is my favorite, “stand fur what you believe”
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
How do you know the French Onion is Canadian?
Because the oignon est!
During the contribution’s session, the mushroom family never gave a lot. They were just two spore.
Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea? Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.
"Really, our time together has just become more effort than you're worth."
Why did he skeleton go to the barbecue? To get another rib.
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
Hey is your name Cameron? Cuz I’d love a Camera-n to capture that gorgeous face of yours.
Q. Where do gorillas get their gossip?
A. From the grapevine.
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”