Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you! and I want the whole world to know it.
At the Italian restaurant, the ghoul ordered spook-ghetti for his main course.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
“A mistle-toast to the holiday season.”
Who gives sharks presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws.
The pirate steals arrrrt when he has the chance.
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
I was cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and my wife said, “These potatoes are burnt to a crisp!”
I said, “It’s for tomorrow.”
Her: Huh?
Me: Tomorrow is Black Fry day.
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
Why did the ski instructor ask for a divorce?
He found out his wife is a real flake.
Golfer: I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddie: Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
What did you just call me? Just because we’re Dark Chocolate does not give you the right to call us “Snickers”.That’s OUR word.
It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
The fruit stutters because it suffers from a peach impediment.
What did the pickle say when he was told he was going in to a salad?
I relish the thought.
What do you call real bacon?
Genuswine
Why should you never rob a bank with a pig?
They always squeal.
"I've found some bunny to love."
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.
The reason the cow wore a bell around her neck was because her horn didn’t work anymore.
Treat yo'elf.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
What did the pillow say when the blanket asked it to come hang out?
I'm down
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
Why did the cow go right up to the spaceship? To see the Mooooooooooon.
What did the bartender say when he saw oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium and phosphorous enter his barroom? OH SnaP!
I was hiking in mountains the other day and a big cat started attacking me
Man, I puma pants
What did the trumpet pharaoh do when his girlfriend told him to pull out?
Toot and come in.
What did the Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
What is a pink bird's favorite dance? Flamin-tango.
We’re in a-green-ment.
If there’s an invasion army of endless flies attacking, who you gonna call?
The fly S.W.A.T. Team!
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
"I Love to Hate You"
Just one look at you
Tempting me, teasing me, tormenting me
I hate the feelings you evoke
Greed
Desire
Lust
Just want to hold you, devour you
I don’t want to see you go
But I can never resist the last chocolate in the box!
— Jan Allison
Why did the gnome visit his mother?
To get a gnome-cooked meal.
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.
If I was a chessboard, I'd be lucky to have a queen like you.
I believe in The Importance of Being Earnest, so I'm just going to say it: I'm Wilde about you.
My son fell asleep last night with the TV clicker in his hand.
He’s really embraced remote learning.
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
They say I’m too indecisive to be a tennis umpire
but I still haven’t ruled it out.
What trophy do you get if you never score any points? The Art Rouse.
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
Girl, you must be norepinephrine because you make my heart race.