“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates

At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”

“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown

What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.

What type of noodles do swimmers like best?
Pool noodles!

Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?

I recently got a new job as a golf caddy, but I was fired after less than an hour.
The guy asked me for a sand wedge. I don't think he likes pickle.

Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac

[Pool Noodle] That’s using your noodle!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ivor.
Ivor who?
Ivor you let me in or I`ll climb through the window.

What did the cloud say to the rainbow? Thank you for adding color to my day.

Some bunny loves you.

If you wake up in a RED room, with no windows or doors, don't be alarmed, you're just in my heart.

What can a whole orange do that half an orange can never do?
“Look round!”

What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak? Mouse code!

"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz

The best stretches are partner stretches.

“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly

Nowadays, people drought the accuracy of weather men because the climatic patterns are so unpredictable.

Do you know why a pineapple can be a good observer? Because it has a lot of eyes around its body.

Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.

There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.

And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.

But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h

Pumpkin Spice and Everything Nice

My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear
At least that’s what I think she was saying.

What do you call a male orange?
Mangerine!

What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

What must the Oregon football team do before each play?
Get all of their ducks in a row.

Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.

What’s a shark’s favorite science fiction TV show?
Shark Trek.

What do you give a panda when it is sick?
Pandadol.

What do you call a womanising chocolate? A cad-bury.

I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet...
But then my browser froze.

“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”

- Ogden Nash

“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller

I hear you like wine, too. Grape minds think alike.

I’m in pursuit of hoppiness.

"Backpacking is money spent on education."

How much caramel can a canny canonball cram in a camel if a canny canonball can cram caramel in a camel?

For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.

What online search engine do spooky monsters use?
Ghoulghoul.

Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they haven’t got any pockets.

The judge sentenced the basketball player to life imprisonment because he shot the ball.

What is a cyclops' favorite winter activity?
Sking. That's like skiing, but only with one eye.

What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.

The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.

But they did get a tan. A puritan.

What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig? I wanna get a head!

King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.

So in my trip to Spain i got attacked by a bull.
Oh man that's spainful.

When does makeup run?
When you mascare it off.

If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?