What happens to romantic trees on Valentine’s Day? They get all sappy.
What is an Italian’s favorite type of dog?
A ciao ciao.
An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"
The beauty with bowling is that you can get three strikes, but you still remain in the game.
You may not sew and you may not crochet,
You may not bake macaroons every day,
You may not buy tickets to a grand ballet,
Or be like the grandma of yesterday.
You may not answer with a vague, "Yes, dear,"
You may not have trouble in one ear.
You may not always have your knitting near,
Or overflow with constant cheer
You may not have scalloped, scented soap
Or fuzzy toilet seat covers (I hope)
With embroidery needles, you cannot cope.
Big hair? Wig hair? Nada and nope.
But I love you without the stereotype.
I've been thinking we should connect on Skype.
You're my bud, Grandma, and I'd really like it
If I could take your path and be able to hike it.
I look at what you do each day
And I see each one is your birthday.
You live anew in all you do.
I wanna be like you!
What does a witch get if she crosses a black cat and a lemon?
A sour puss.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
The fungi turned down seconds at dinner because he never had mushroom.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
Pepperoni is red, cheese is food
I like pizza
How about you?
(Justin Worthy)
How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
Shocked!
What do you call an alligator who is holding a compass?
A navigator.
The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!
What South American dance do cows like to do?
The Rump-a.
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
What did the carp say to his crush?
Don’t play koi with me!
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
Hey girl, are you a cell phone? Because I just want to look at you all night long.
What did the wig say to the head?
I got you covered.
What Do Ducks Have With Soup?
Quackers
Someone from Southern France sent me an MS Word file with 200 pages.
It's a Languedoc.
Aren’t you supposed to be on top of that tree? Because you’re a star.
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
If Corona virus is just a beer virus..
Then it’s just a yeast infection!
Why was the penguin popular?
Because he was an ice guy.
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
What is the wealthiest nut ever?
“A cashooo.”
I'm worried that the milk I got this morning was from a cloned cow. It tasted exactly like the milk I had yesterday.
What does an evil penguin lay?
Deviled eggs.
Whenever the peach father gets mad at his son, he just screams loudly: “You are the son of a peach!”
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
“I only like lemons,”
Said Michael zestfully.
It’s time to say Versailles to France.
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don't eat with your mouth full!
My friend has just won the tallest Christmas tree competition
I thought to myself, 'How can you top that?
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
Why do trees always walk so slowly? All they can do is lumber around.
Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.
Are you a lexicographer? Because you make my life more meaningful.
Some people prefer milk after it has churned. I guess they find it butter that way.
I yam rooting for you my sweet potato and I won't mash your heart
Lawmen From Mexico Barbecue Guests
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
When does makeup run?
When you mascare it off.
Wanna join me for some downward doggy-style tonight?