What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.
I think it would be hot if we f**ked other people. Exclusively.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
A thief stole my toothbrush.
It left a bad taste in my mouth.
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
Do you want to cosine on a mortgage with me?
What did the player on the Bumblebee basketball team say after making a foul shot?
Hive Scored!
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
What is a snowman’s favorite type of burger? A chilli cheese burger with iceberg lettuce.
Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road?
He was Stalin.
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
A cowboy and a Mexican were walking side-by-side by a beach in Mexico. The Cowboy asked to the Mexican if the Gulf of Mexico was an ocean.
"Sea, Señor," replied the Mexican.
Girls just wanna have sun!
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
Why are they called tacos?
They don’t say much.
What was Michael Jackson's favorite Spanish food?
Jamon!
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
Why did the otter cross the river?
To get to the otter side
When Smokey died in a forest fire, how did his body get to the cemetery ?
Pallbears.
How can you tell when a polar bear is moving?
There’s a “fur sale” sign in the yard.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.
Did you know that LSD is a really effective weight loss drug?
How are you supposed to eat if there’s a dragon guarding the fridge?
I’ve heard of fraudsters before, but that was one heck of a unique-con if I ever saw one.
Unlike the Leafs, I will never let you down.
My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.
Don’t be a wet noodle – join us!
Are you a pot-head? Because weed be cute together
Reading a shopping list, eh? I see we're both fans of the classics.
Strawberries love to travel. Their favorite mode of transport is the wind-jam-mer.
It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.
Girl: "Babe I'm pregnant you're the father."
Guy: "Can't fool me it's April's Fools Day!"
Girl: "Haha! got me! You're not the father."
Recently, i started learning Spanish
But i can't hola long conversation.
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
If you were a tear drop, I would never cry for the fear of losing you.
What is a deer’s favorite meal?
Deer-ner!
One evening I wrote to John and I guess I was expressing my frustrations with not having enough time as I had a briefcase full of work to do that evening. Jaymac, in his wisdom, sent me back the following funny but inspirational poem:
Briefcase with an Engine
Poet: John McLeod
Fit your briefcase with an engine
Go skateboarding in the sun
Loop the loop, do aerobatics,
Laugh a lot and have great fun!
'Cook a snook' at paper empires
Save a forest, every tree
And remember, above all,
To do it happily!
It reminded me life is too short to let work frustrate me. Reading John's words of wisdom helped relieve my stress as I found myself smiling when I finished reading the poem. And, smiling and laughing is a great stress reliever!
Many times during my career I let my work control my life. Looking back at the times where I allowed my work to create stress and frustration in my life I now realize what I thought was important really was not. I am not say
I find bone puns very
Humerus.
Call me the pace clock, cause you sure can count on me.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
Every single person on my flight was reading at the same time.
The plane was fully booked.
I want anarchy
Because my keyboard is missing one.
Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?
He’s finding it hard to deal with.