"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
What did one cheddar cheese say to the other cheddar cheese at prom?
Looking sharp!
On a scale of one to America, how free are you tonight?
There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.
What does Frosty the Snowman do to combat his worries about melting?
Take a chill pill!
If you live in an igloo made of snow, what’s the worst thing about global warming?
No privacy!
Only a**holes use bidets.
Why did the hipster burn his lips?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
How hot does your gas oven get?
What do frogs do when they ski?
They rip it.
[Food Spread] This is the line of scrumptiousness.
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
What do you call a bear without any teeth?
A gummy bear.
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
I'd love to see you s'more.
What do we call the basketball team that won the donuts championships? – dunkin donuts.
I’m looking for my soulmate. Do you think you could Aiden my search?
Why was the farmer angry?
Because someone got his goat.
Why did the bunny cross the road? He wanted to prove he could hip hop!
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
What do you call an onion that carries electromagnetic waves? A photonion.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
Why does the spinal cord belong in the brass section of an orchestra?
Because of its dorsal and ventral horns.
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
Egg puns are the most egg-citing.
The skeleton couldn't keep anything tidy because of his lazy bones.
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cow marijuana?
The steaks are too high.
Even after a decade or two, I think we will all remember this year forever.
I mean, hindsight is 2020.
What did the maggot say to another?
What's a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this?
What goes up when the rain comes down? An umbrella.
Were you born on the Bluenose? Because baby, you're a dime.
I love you deerly.
After completing the deadline just in the nick of time, the artist breathed a cyan of relief.
What did the stimulus do to the neuron after they got married?
Carried it over the threshold.
Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.
What did the pineapple say to the pineapple chunk? Stay golden.
My blind friend did LSD for the first time...
There was a lot more tripping than usual.
Q: Did you hear about the pea that changed careers?
A: He went into a different field!
Hey babe, I want tibia your Valentine!
What do you call an otter with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
If we were chromosomes, you’d be my homologous pair.
Hi, my friend thinks you're kinda cute, but I don't. I think you're absolutely gorgeous.
What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?
Miss a car payment.
It's been a hard day's night without your lovin', Oh darling.
Hold still, there's a mosquito on your a$$.