“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
Why couldn't the boy run away with the farmer's daughter?
They were cantaloupe farmers.
What’s happens to the sportiest horse?
It gets to be first horse-pick of the draft.
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
We have such great chemistry that we should do some biology together.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
A chemistry lab is like a big party.
Some drop the acid while others drop the base.
Where do all the cool mice live? In their mousepads.
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
Why can't corona virus jokes go viral?
Because people are laughing into their elbows.
Green vegetables absolutely love going on camps as a group. Their favorite is the Brussels Scouts.
I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."
What do you get if you cross an alligator with a flower?
I don’t know, but I will not smell it!
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
There was an old lady from Ghent,
who slept on a bed of cement.
Her bed was well used,
and her body well bruised,
and the back of her head had a dent.
Promise you won’t Char-leave?
Did you hear about the crocodile who was unable to mate?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
Do you know what the favourite soup of a ghost is? It is the Scream of Broccoli.
Why does Mr. Potato Head have a mobile?
In case Mr. Onion rings.
Are you WiFi?
Because I can feel the connection between us.
The only thing tender today is my heart for you
I just found out what animal’s been getting into my avocado plants...
It was a guaca-mole.
There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!
When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? When you drop it; then it's squash!
Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.
The jam bank went bankrupt because of the series of strobberies in the last quarter.
You have changed my world to polar coordinates. Complex and imaginary things now have a magnitude and direction.
Fall makes me g-leaf-full!
Whats the preferred car of frogs?
The Beetle.
A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.
Ugh.. I ate too much hummus..
And now I filafel.
Usain bolt must be a fruit
Have you seen that mango?
I couldn't go out because of the blizzard. So I had to eat storm-ed buns for dinner.
What do you call friends with airpods in their ears
Earbuds.
Metaphors be with you.
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
Where do bad jokes about skeletons belong?
In the skelebin.
The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy
So it’s italicized!
I am struggling to carry with this hiking but your great glow has kept me going.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
I’d like to tell you folks a joke about paper, but It’s tearable.
Why did the volcano say to the mountain? I lava you
I woke up this morning and saw two birds sitting in the sun in my backyard, eating ice cream.
They were Basking Robins.
eople say they never get hungry at the beach
That’s because there’s sand, which is everywhere.
What do you call a paper plane that doesn't fly ?
Stationary.
What did the fish say to the other fish? Pucker-fish!
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”