If Kantie can tie a tie and untie a tie,
why can't I tie a tie and untie a tie like Kantie can.

Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.

Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.

Oranges rarely pass driving tests, this is because they keep on peeling out.

What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid!!!

Why didnt the moon have any more to eat.
Becuase it was full

My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on

Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!

I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.

I really like guitars
They just strike a chord with me.

Is your tent erect yet or do you need help with that?

Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.

What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.

Sorry I've been following you...
But my parents told me to chase my dreams.

Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.

Anyone who is born in a car and dies outside is known as car born die oxide.

"When the Teacher Isn’t Looking"

When the teacher’s back is turned,
we never scream and shout.
Never do we drop our books
and try to freak her out.

No one throws a pencil
at the ceiling of the class.
No one tries to hit the fire alarm
and break the glass.

We don’t cough in unison
and loudly clear our throats.
No one’s shooting paper wads
or passing little notes.

She must think we’re so polite.
We never make a peep.
Really, though, it’s just because
we all go right to sleep.

– Kenn Nesbitt

What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?

How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.

Irish you luck.

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.

I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”

We are mint to be.

What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?
“Gotta take the gouda with the bad.”

-
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.

"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."

- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.

I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...

"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”

If fish is brain food, what do dumb people eat? Noodle soup.

What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.

I'm an outfielder – I'll catch you.

Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?
He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.

My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.

What is brown and sticky?
A stick!

What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.

I may be dressed as a vampire tonihgt, but if you play your cards right you might be the one sucking

When Papa red wanted to have some toppings on his bread, he told Son red, "Pass me the crimson!"

What does the watermelon say to its girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? – “You are one in a melon!”

How do you make holy water?
Make sure to boil the hell out of it.

The moon landing is obviously fake.
The moon is clearly still up there.

"You deserve better and so do I."

There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!

There was a vampire named Vlad
The Village all thought he was bad
But the true story
Just wasn't gory
It turns out Vlad was just sad.

My cat just cut the grass.
She's a lawn meower.

What do you call glia when it is happy?
Smyelin.

My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.

Is it true what they say about the size of a man’s canine teeth?

I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing but this is as close as I could get.

When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."