What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!

The glass eyeball manufacturer is having a promotion
An eye for an eye.

“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.

"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."

The pineapple is pining for the summer.

What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.

What kind of diet did the deer go on when she was trying to lose weight?
A non-deery diet.

Hey Pumpkin, I just wanted to say that I'm done with having Halloween every day.

The manager at the bread store told the baker that he had to stop loafing around. The baker said that it was his job.

The earth's rotation really makes my day.

If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table

Why did the hamburger dress up as a computer? Because he wanted to be a Big Mac.

The insane amount of rainfall in Poland did not lead the river to flood, all was in Oder.

What do you call a punctual citrus fruit?
A Clockwork Orange.

I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.

These voices in my head have been telling me to come over here and talk to you.

What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.

Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words.

What did the deer say to his funny friend? You’re deer-larious!

"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain

Am I in the advanced class? Because I like to go hard.

There once was a boy named Dan,
who wanted to fry in a pan.
He tried and he tried,
and eventually died,
that weird little boy named Dan.

What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.

Take a vampire to a bar, and you don't need to ask what he wants to drink. He'll have a Bloodweiser.

What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”

When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.

A loyal warrior will rarely worry why we rule.

"The Attraction of Levitation"

“Oh, dear!” said little Johnny Frost,
“Sleds are such different things!
When down the hill you swiftly coast
You’d think that they had wings;

“But when uphill you slowly climb,
And have to drag your sled,
It feels so heavy that you’d think
‘Twas really made of lead.

“And all because an Englishman,
Sir Isaac Newton named,
Invented gravitation, and
Became unduly famed;

“While if he had reversed his law,
So folks uphill could coast,
It seems to me he would have had
A better claim to boast.

“Then coasting would all pleasure be;
To slide up would be slick!
And dragging sleds downhill would be
An awful easy trick!”

– H. G. Paine

There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'

Why are Ghosts in such good shape? Plenty of exorcise and a good die-t.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Frank
Frank who?
Frank you for being my friend!

Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.

"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor

I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day

My son painted six Easter eggs the colors of the infinity gems.
I told him he made an Egg-finity omelette.

What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
“My plop is bigger than your plop.”

Our kids tee ball team, the Tigers, won the championship. All the parents were very proud and put in for a little statuette of the front of a tiger to give them to celebrate. When it came in, for some reason it was the back half of a tiger.
Needless to say, it was a cat ass trophy.

My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.

What do Chinese bears wear over their faces when they’re robbing banks?
Pandanas!

I enjoy the cold weather
But only to a certain degree.

Why did the vampire get a COVID test?
Because he was COFFIN.

I'm wearing green, you're wearing green, we have so much in common we should go out sometime.

Who goes to the bathroom in the middle of a party? A party pooper.

What is a ghost's favorite place to work?
Ghoul-gle.

Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.

The storm suppose to knock out the power, but your eyes have all the electricity I need.

My heart is like an onion...
I'm never getting a discount organ transplant again

What do you call a loud conversation? A megaphone.

Strawberries are great musicians because they make perfect jam sessions.