What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!
What did the skeleton say to his girlfriend?
- Will you marrow me?
Why was the gnome just standing over his lawnmower and crying?
Because he hit a rough patch.
Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
Readers do it between the covers (or alternately, readers do it between the sheets).
The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
What do you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman? A dead ringer.
What kind of eggs does a confused chicken lay?
Scrambled eggs.
What do penguins sing at a birthday party?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.
With all this talk of Corona Virus, the people who make sanitising gel are rubbing their hands together.
Why was the dogwood always making bad choices? Because he kept barking up the wrong tree.
Cute dog in your pics! Can I have his number?
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
How do bats spend their time?
Flying and hanging out.
Woah! What’s the name of THIS out-of-the-world body?
Pumpkin Spice and Everything Nice
The food here is quite so-fish-ticated.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
What do beavers like to put on their salads?
Branch dressing.
Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle.
People call my obsession with the afterlife, suicidal. Truth be told,
I'm dying to find out if there is life after death.
My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.
Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
What did the clean dog say to the dirty dog?
Long time no flea.
How does cabernet like to travel abroad?
On a cruise sip.
Why did the strawberry get bruised? Because it was under pear pressure.
“Love and sausage are alike. Can never have enough of either.”
— Trixie Koontz
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
Some people like beer goggles. I prefer wine glasses.
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes
Recently I was at a store walking down the flash drives and hard drives section.
I have to say, it was quite a walk down the memory lane.
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes.
Experts suggest that the crows flying beak first into windows at a horrifying speed comit a murder suicide.
My son's has never really had much of an appetite.
But suddenly today he's eaten a dozen Kinder eggs whole.
He's full of surprises.
How do hot dogs greet each other? They say “give me some skin!”
“The North Pole doesn’t import goods because it’s Elf Sufficient.”
Where do you get frog's eggs?
At the spawn shop.
Haven’t I seen you before? Maybe in my dreams?
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
What do you do if a running back swallows the football?
You have to get him to cough it up!
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
If the sun shines while it’s snowing, what should you look for?
Snowbows.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.