How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
Why did the elephant ask to borrow a suitcase?
Because he only had a little trunk.
Are you German? Cuz you’re a Nein and I’m the one Ja need.
What happens when you cross an iron with a telephone? You get a smooth signal.
Prepare to be bowled over.
What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
Why did the dunce get hurt after raking leaves? He fell out of the tree.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
Wow you’re the most beautiful girl I Eva seen
Why does nobody invite Jupiter to the space parties? Because he has too much gas, always…
Where do rabbits learn how to fly? In the hare force!
What kind of musical instrument do mice play?
A mouse organ!
Why did the corn farmer go to jail?
He was stalking someone in a field.
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
Which country hates Thanksgiving?
Turkey
What kind of facial hair should a sea captain have?
A boatee.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
You have me greening from ear to ear.
Blue jeans are immortal. They never die, they just fade away!
What do you call a rabbit that has fleas?
Bugs bunny.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
If looks could kill you, you’d surely be a weapon of mass destruction.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
I would love to show you first class.
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
Are you Google? Because you have everything I’m searching for.
Do you breathe oxygen? We have so much in common.
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
What do you call a bear with no arms and no legs?
An ambulance. This is no time for jokes.
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
What do you call a bear with a bad attitude?
The bearer of bad news.
I prefer the new system to reviewing line calls. When Hawk-eye came around, I breathed a big Cy-clops of relief.
I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.
What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow?
A Prograsstinator
Why do dogs hate computers?
They can’t stick their heads out of those Windows.
What do you call an elf who won’t share?
Elfish.
Did you hear about the spies trying to infiltrate japan, Italy, and Germany in WWII?
They were denied axis.
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
I was conned into believing that my hotel room in Moscow had free Wifi.
I remember the ad saying: Internyet.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
What did the pepperoni say to the cook?
You wanna pizza me?
Why don’t kangaroos make good sailors?
Because they’re always jumping ship.
What do you call bacon with salt on it?
Salt and Peppa.
Please stop making jokes about little people
How would you feel if a bunch of giants made jokes about you?
Where do werewolves store their things?
In a were-house.
What did the goat say when he woke up on a train?
I have no idea how I goat here.