What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.
Forget about pumpkin, you’re the only cutie pie I need.
Why is it good to drink witch's brew?
It's very newt-tricious!
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
The scientist was meticulous about his strawberry pies. He rounded up the protein content of his pie at 3.14.
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
My blind friend did LSD for the first time...
There was a lot more tripping than usual.
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
Why can’t a group of skeletons ever get anything done?
It’s a skeleton crew.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
How do you know when a bike is thinking?
You can see its wheels turning.
People who use sleeping bags in the woods are soft tacos for bears.
It's really easy to learn white water kayaking
You just go with the flow.
What do you call the Earth when it is quaking?
Shakesphere.
What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
It’s the most wonderful time for a beer.
There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.
One-one was a race horse.
Two-two was one too.
One-one won one race.
Two-two won one too.
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
Are you a fortune cookie?
Because you're always wrong.
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
What do you call a large gorilla who appears to be in a bad mood?
Sir.
How do two cherries make up after an argument? They cherry the hatchet.
I just heard that the government has made an amendment to lockdown to allow Father Christmas out...
It's called the Santa Clause
What do you get when you cross Elon Musk and lobster bisque? A souped up car.
It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Where do bats go to gamble?
Bat-lantic City.
How do you get a one-armed monkey out of a tree?
Wave to it.
What does Harry Potter use when sealing packages?
His Parceltongue.
Flowers like our minds, open at the right time. Mine has opened to receive your love.
What is a bat’s favorite dessert?
Pineapple upside-down cake.
What do you call bananas that don't stick up for themselves? A bunch of pansies.
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
Did you see the display of still-life art? It was not at all moving.
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.
I’m zesting a lemon for a recipe right now
It’s really appealing
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
What are the best kind of flowers to get your girlfriend after screwing up?
Whoopsie Daisies
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
How do horses show gratitude?
Flank you very much.
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but trilobites still exist, right?
Why was the potato fired from his job at the football stadium?
He was a horrible commentater.