How can you hear the sounds of a group of dolphins?
Listen to their podcast.
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
Riding a camel really isn't as hard as they say it is.
Once you get over the first hump, the rest is easy.
Did you hear about the watchmaker who is half Spanish and half Irish?
His name is Juan O'Clock.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
My friend Jim told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a thing to say to a friend.
It totally ruined our bath!
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
"Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup."
— Henry James
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
A man and his wife are playing Dungeons and Dragons together...
During the man's turn, he rolls his D20 and rolls a 1. Simultaneously, he stubs his toe against the table leg so hard that his toe essentially falls off. Blood everywhere. The wife has to rush them both to the ER.
She's waiting.
She's waiting...
The doctor emerges, and the wife rushes over. "How is my husband? What's his condition?"
The doctor replies: "Critical, miss."
How does a bomb choose not to go off?
It refuses.
A gnome walks into a bar, and the bartender starts a tab for him. The gnome keeps pounding them away, one after the other. After a few hours, the gnome decides to call it a night. The bartender hands him his tab when the gnome realizes he left his wallet at home. He turns to the bartender and says, "Sorry, I'm a little short."
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
Why didn’t the pineapple fit in with the other fruit? Because it’s rough around the edges.
I don’t know your name, but I’m sure it’s as beautiful as you are.
How does a church congregation defend against an attack by Galactic Imperial Stormtroopers?
They use the pew, pew-pew pews.
Werewolves love their fast food.
Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.
Where do Yetis go to dance?
To a snow ball.
Why did the clock in the donut shop run slow?
It always went back four seconds
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
Why couldn’t the baby horse eat dessert?
It was foal.
Why did the horse climb Everest?
She liked mount-ains.
How does a cheese tell you they want to be with you?
“I think you and I would look gouda together.”
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
I'm surprised you all aren't talking more about that drug with the side effect of making scalps wrinkled.
I mean, it's been making a LOT of head lines.
A french farmer who owned an olive plantation had a huge fire
He was extremely sad, he had lost his all his huile d'olive.
What is a gorillas second favourite fruit to eat behind bananas?=
Ape-ricots
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
The fisherman lost his new fishing hook in the river. He refused to accept it. He was in the Nile.
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
Why are oranges the smartest fruit?
Because they are made to concentrate.
I always have a souper time with you.
It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.
If beauty were time, you'd be an eternity.
When are you due back in heaven?
What do you call a condiment with a hit single? a must"heard"
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
During our journey through the savanna grasslands, we kept track of time with the help of an hour-grass.
What kind of monkey likes seafood?
A shrimpanzee.
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.
Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.
The next door beaver couple got arrested for illegal streaming.
Why is earth worm humor offensive?
They only know dirty jokes.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.