"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
As I was preparing to leave the restaurant, the waiter said to me, “Do you wanna box for your leftover food?”
I said, “No thanks, but I’ll wrestle you for them.”
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
The football won’t be the only thing spiked at this party.
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming hair?
A clipptomaniac!
I'm waking up at 5am for hockey. But I would stay up all night for you.
What do zombies say before a fight?
- Do you want a piece of me?
Ghosts are terrible liars because you can see right through them.
What did the deer say after he finished eating?
“That was deer-licious!”
Sorry do you have a rope on you?
I got lost in your eyes and need help getting out
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
My grandpa used to cut the grass before he died
but he has been lawn gone.
It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.
How does a koala get from one place to another? On a gondkoala.
Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Angelfish.
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
My Dermatologist was fired today...
He made too many rash decisions.
What does a dolphin say when he’s confused?
Can you please be more Pacific?
"I just can't take the bad lovemaking anymore".
Why isn't the the koala a real bear? He doesn't have the right koalifications.
How can you hear the sounds of a group of dolphins?
Listen to their podcast.
I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.
One day I asked him why.
He told me "I am always in purrsuit."
Basketball players at times get athletes foot. Come to think of it, it is like the missle toe astronauts get.
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
What kind of photos do turtles take?
Shell-fies.
Woke up with sweats afraid I'd contracted the corona virus...
Changed into jeans and was all good.
I wish I had some butter for them biscuits.
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.
What do snowmen do on Christmas?
Play with the snow angels.
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."
What game do bats like to play with birds?
Bat-mington.
Easter is grammatically incorrect.
We should say more east.
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg.
How many grammar cops does it take to change a light bulb?
Too.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
What did the pink panther say when he stepped on the ant? A. deadant deadant deadant deadant.
Did you hear about the restaurant they built on the moon?
The food is good but it lacks atmosphere.
Curling? More like curling up next to you in bed, am I right?
The ref better give me 2 for hooking, 'cause baby I'm hooked on you.
What type of cats usually purr the best? Purr-sians!
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.