Did you hear about the one-legged gnome?
He’s one foot tall.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
You are my density!
You know those silly hacker movies where they're hacking so hard they type on two keyboards at once?
Such blatant stereo-typing
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.
"Happy Easter to all my peeps."
The United Nations gave its members a basket of peaches on 21 September - the International Peach Day.
Where should you never take your dogs shopping?
The flea market.
My priest fired me from playing guitar with the choir.
Apparently it’s blasphemous to play a Gsus2 chord.
People didn't smile for pictures in the early days of photography...
It was frowned upon.
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
My mom said I have no sense of direction
So I packed my bags and right
What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"
I'm willing to lower my standards if you're going on a date with me.
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
Why did the mouse eat a candle? For some light refreshment!
The pancake was quiet because it did not like to waffle.
What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho cheese!
Can I have directions?
To your heart.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
I like to tell this one joke about homemade bombs
But it always blows up in my face.
What's an egg's favorite movie?
Over Easy Rider.
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
What does a bowler and a Thanksgiving guest have in common?
They both want a Turkey.
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
What’s does a winged horse like to munch on?
Pe-grass-us.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
In my village, there is a farmer who takes his cows to refill their food at the grass station.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
You’ve really Penelopeaked my interest
What is a popular videogame for young utensils?
Fork Knife.
Give me your number so I can make the call.
I want to start a deer breeding business…
But first, I’m gonna need about 5,000 bucks.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside
What does Cinderella usually wear at the beach?
Glass flippers!
What did the kitten say after a disaster? That was cat-astrophic
What do you call a cat that is scared of small spaces? Clawstrophobic!
What’s the difference between hot potato and a flying pig? One’s a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous.
Are you Google? Because you have everything I’m searching for.
My dad works in a steel plant.
He says it's very riveting.
Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes.
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
Boy: Want to hear a joke?
Girlfriend: Sure.
Boy: Our relationship.
What did man say to the guacamole?
Avocado crush on you.
What did the Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!