What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
"IT’S A LIEEEEE!!"
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
- Gail DeBole
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
I'm giving away a free legless parrot.
No perches necessary.
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
What’s the difference between a crow and a chicken?
A chicken can crow, but a crow can’t chicken.
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
Which band were way ahead of their time in the stage lighting department?
LED Zeppelin.
Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.
What did the zombie say after seeing his neighbor’s new car?
- I’m green with envy!
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
Q: What did the leaf say to the wind?
A: You really blew me away.
"My Handprints"
My dirty little handprint
I've left on every wall
And on the drawers and tabletops
I've really marked them all.
But here is one that won't rub off,
I'm giving it to you…
Do you know why??
Well, I'm so thankful
to have a father like you.
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.
What kind of cheese do rodents like? Mousearella.
Where should you never take your dogs shopping?
The flea market.
You must be a narrative hook. Because you’re stuck in my mind.
What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up? It blossoms.
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
How will a crow with a cold fever sound like? Caw-ph, Caw-ph.
Why did the Iron Chef have to stop cooking? He ran out of Thyme.
You knead me in your loaf.
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.
"Dad, my computer can't find the Wifi printer anymore... I renamed it to Bob Marley, same password."
"Why Bob Marley?" - he asked.
"Because its always jammin"
I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.
When his wife was preparing his favorite chocolate cake, the baseball player said "Batter Up.
Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
That’s a bit mulch.
I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.
What do you call a werewolf that can’t decide what to wear?
A what-to-wear-wolf.
I love you and I ain’t lion.
Q: What did one tooth say to the other tooth?
A: Thar's gold in them fills!
Heard about the beaver who can split huge logs with his eyes? Yes, he just saw the logs, and they broke into two.
I have bean thinking about you.
That’s a beautiful dog. Does she have a phone number?
Is there wifi in here? Because I feel we have a strong connection.
What song do young peaches love listening to? 'Papa don't peach'.
I don't need 3D glasses to see how beautiful you are!
What do you call a buffet for sheep?
All you can bleat!
What is a bear’s favorite soda?
Coca Koala.
The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
Roses are red, my face is too.. that only happens when I see you.
What kind of keys does a kid skeleton use on Halloween? Cook-keys.
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a poison frog?
A croakadile.
Why does the horse go to school?
It brings her fulfillyment.