What is a zombie that speaks two languages?
Zombilingual.

After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.

Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.

(Unknown)

Why are apples afraid to grow in the United States? Because they don't want to be as American as apple pie.

How do you know if there’s a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!

Frankenstein entered a body-building competition…
And soon found he had seriously misunderstood the objective.

What game does the sky love to play?
Twister.

How are baseball umpires and angry chickens alike?
Both make fowl calls.

"I don't bite, you know... unless it's called for."
- Audrey Hepburn, Charade (1963)

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.

"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison

Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.

Starts off in the morning, wakes up at six,
Grooms itself using its tongue and licks.
I give it breakfast with a friendly pat.
That's the daily morning of my cat.

Returns for lunch at one o' clock.
Eats milk rice and then goes for a walk.
Sometimes even hunts and catches a rat.
That's the daily afternoon of my cat.

Naps after lunch outside my door.
Sleeps so deeply, perhaps even snores.
Doesn't like the ground; it prefers a mat.
That's the daily evening of my cat.

Wakes up refreshed and comes for dinner.
Does it eat too much? Shouldn't it be thinner?
Eats and sleeps - hope it doesn't get fat.
That's the daily night of my cat.

(M. Tarun Prasad)

Did you hear about the paper boy? He blew away

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin

Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.

I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.

What’s Frankenstein’s favorite food?
Frankenfurters.

Thin grippy thick slippery.

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

Why didn’t the horse tell her friend she was a thief?
She didn’t want to saddle her with that information.

What do you call a serial killer on acid?
Jack the tripper.

What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!

“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud

If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!

Werewolf Weather Furcast: Tomorrow we expect heavy showers.

Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.

“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”

- Samuel Butler..

What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!

I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.

I would flirt with you, but I'd rather seduce you with my awkwardness From a distance.

I would tell you more chemistry pick-up lines, but all the good ones Argon!

What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.

My dads astronaut friend ate pizza in space
He said it was out of this world.

Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.

Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.

Okay, here’s the deal: I’ll let you take the last stuffed crust frozen pizza if you let me take you to dinner. At your house. Where we’ll be having frozen pizza.

Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen

I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.

What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong? King Kong is more sensitive.

Make your own decisions this summer, don't give in to pier pressure.

The local baker keeps punching his doughy friend because he wants to get a rise out of him.

In grammar you shouldn’t do double negatives.
It’s a no no.

When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."

"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu

Have you been to the doctor's lately? Cause I think you're lacking some vitamin me.

"I Have a Little Frog"

I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!

What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.

“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown