I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air?
A seahorse.
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
What did the dog say to its fleas?
Stop bugging me
What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
Which basketball team is the favorite at the North Pole?
The New York Old Saint Knicks.
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
Your voice is so a-do-re-ble to mi
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
Want to lock our bikes together?
Are you my training plan? Because I'll go as long as you tell me to.
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
My love life is like a game of minesweeper.
I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.
How do the cool camels say hello?
"How you dune?"
Which films is the car’s favourite?
WiperBlade 1, 2 and Trinity.
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
I don't think you can diagnose me because there's no treatment for being madly in love.
Did you know you can hear blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
During the flood, most of our garden was underwater. I felt especially bad for the grass - it must have been grass-ping for air.
Chuck berry was undoubtedly the greatest rock and roll strawberry.
What did the trumpet pharaoh do when his girlfriend told him to pull out?
Toot and come in.
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
What does a cheese say when they look in the mirror in the morning?
Halloumi.
Take off all your cloves.
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
Hey, how'd you like to recreate the Big Bang?
What rhymes with orange?
No, it doesn’t.
A loyal warrior will rarely worry why we rule.
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
I was arrested by the grammar police for not using the full stop correctly.
I am now looking at a long sentence.
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
Why can you never trust an artist? Because they are a bit sketchy, a little shady and will always try to frame you.
Irish food is legen-dairy.
A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient's notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it's actually his thermometer that's there.
He says, "Darn, some a**hole has my pen."
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.
The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.
Good gourd, pumpkin spice latte season is officially here.
"Bone to be wild."
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
Don't give up at this stage, just keep cawing on, you will do great.
"For peep's sake."