If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
What do the astronauts put on their lunch toast? Space jam.
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
A group of crows is usually called a 'murder.' Technically, it's only a manslaughter unless there is probable caws.
What kind of phone does a burglar use?
A no-key-a.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
What did one lightbulb say to the other lightbulb on Valentine’s Day?
I love you watts.
What do you call an ant from overseas?
Import-ant.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Why is pumpkin pie so much better than sweet potato pie?
Sweet potatoes are ungourdly.
Even after a decade or two, I think we will all remember this year forever.
I mean, hindsight is 2020.
What do you say when you go to a dinner with a bunch of osteopathologists?
Bone appetit!
I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”
Woman’s Rejection: Sorry. I don’t date guys I pit-y
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
Pack your trunks – we’re having a pool party!
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
What kind of cheese do rodents like? Mousearella.
"Bone to be wild."
I'm trying to break the ice, but you just keep giving me the cold shoulder.
It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.
I heard someone broke out of prison using a sheep
I didn’t believe it until I saw the news and he was on the lamb.
There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!
I once saw an onion that had been preserved for ages. It was an Egyptian onion.
When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.
Where do players hide their marijuana?
Between the stash marks.
There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.
Hey girl… Can I call-cu-later?
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
A magician wearing a rainbow colored coat is called Hue-dini.
The turtle had to cross the road in order to get to the Shell station.
I had a shell of a time when I attended the costume party as a turtle.
The best Sunday I can think of?
You, me, a good movie, and mimosas with no pants on...
Oh sorry, I meant bottomless mimosas.
Can I bother you for an aspirin tablet? Just looking at you from across the room is giving me heart-related pains.
Please stop making jokes about little people
How would you feel if a bunch of giants made jokes about you?
Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving? The turkey because he's already stuffed!
What was the cheese’s strategy when it ran for president?
Make America grate again.
I saw a Jazz band last night, but they really sucked...
They really saxophoned it in.
What did the magician say to the fisherman?
"Pick a cod, any cod."
Have you seen the new movie with the Dachshund?
Apparently it’s an Oscar Weiner.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
Repeat this as many times as you get rejected until you get the number. Works like a charm.
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?
They're really making headlines.