What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?
Lesbionage.
Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
Imma.
Imma Who?
Imma gettin’ old open the door!
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
IT’S A LIEEEEE!!
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
How does the Skywalker family like their tea?
Lukewarm.
What do you call a dinosaur who is elected to Congress? Rep. Tile!
So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. “Uno” “Dos”
And then he vanished, without a tres.
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
As I was preparing to leave the restaurant, the waiter said to me, “Do you wanna box for your leftover food?”
I said, “No thanks, but I’ll wrestle you for them.”
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
Girl you're looking like a snack and I'm going on a diet.
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
What do you call two worms in love?
Soilmates.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
Are you a cat? Because you're purrrrrfect.
The fisherman was playing his out-of-tune guitar.
Luckily he caught a Tuna
What does a dog love to eat while watching a movie?
Pupcorn.
What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Stable.
The reason the cow wore a bell around her neck was because her horn didn’t work anymore.
We may be two ships that pass in the night, but I must have your number before you Ceylon.
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
My Dad drove a truck for 32 years.
He was terrible with directions.
How long have I loved you? I’ve lost track.
What quarantine really taught me?
That you don't really need fun to have alcohol.
Why did the werewolf laugh while chewing on the skeleton?
He got to the funny bone.
Why did the Zombie baseball pitcher retire?
He threw his arm out.
Guy: Have you ever been fishing before? Girl: Why? Boy: I think we should hook up!
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up!
Hey baby, are you a cloud server?
Because I have something to upload from my hard drive.
Your batteries must be low after hiking all day. Can I recharge them?
I just watched someone try to steal a pumpkin from a bull.
He got gourd.
Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
Where do fashionable ghosts shop for sheets? Bootiques.
Hey girl, I won't be able to see you for the next few weeks.
I'm giving up sweet things for Lent.
Today I be-leaf in leprechauns
How advanced are the inner workings of a submarine?
It goes very deep
What does a priest put on his salad?
Lettuce spray.
Shopping at the music store, my friend had to settle for a fiver saxophone ...
They couldn't afford a tenor.
What do you call people who are obsessed with crocodiles?
Crocophiles.
Did you hear about the flower who joined Tinder?
He just wants somebudy to love.