I tried playing baseball in the fog today.
It was a bit hit and mist.
Why does lightning strike a tree before a person?
Because it takes the path of leaf resistance.
Being uncomfortable with any physical contact, I decided to rent the book “How to Hug” from the library.
Turns out it was Volume 6 of an old encyclopedia.
Why do computers make such bad boxers?
Their bark is worse than their byte.
I used to be a personal driver in France
But now I have nothing to chauffeur it.
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
What country do cows love to visit?
Moo Zealand.
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
He’s an elf-made man.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
Q: Why was the cloud not allowed to cross the border?
A: Because it was a for-rainer
The football won’t be the only thing spiked at this party.
Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Angelfish.
"We gotta get you out of those wet clothes and into a dry martini."
- Jay Chandrasekhar, Beerfest (2006)
I’ve just read that according to statistics, donkeys kill more people every year than sharks.
I better watch my ass.
Smokers Are Productive, But Death Cuts Efficiency
"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"
If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.
– Shel Silverstein
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
Last night the river was arrested. The river was accused of illegal streaming.
KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
I want you for no raisin.
What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
One has strings and the other has strangs.
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
Witches get so excited to decorate their cauldron because their favorite hobby is witchcraft.
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
I hope to someday be your emergency contact...
How do you do math in your head?
Just use imaginary numbers.
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
I can’t find a costume for Halloween, so can I just go as your boyfriend?
What do you call it when a sloth eats a second plate of food?
Slothy seconds
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
How do you greet a five-headed ghoul?
Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello!
I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.
Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine
You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell
I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat
(Jan Allison)
I’m a 30-60-90 triangle and you’re a 40-40-90 triangle – we’re just right for each other.
I heard someone broke out of prison using a sheep
I didn’t believe it until I saw the news and he was on the lamb.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
Why did the pineapple’s phone die? It needed juice.
Scissors sizzle, thistles sizzle.
I'm acorn-y person.
What do you get when you use a cookie cutter shaped like a deer? Cookie doe!
When the pitch is flooded, soccer players can still go on. They just need to bring on their subs.
What did the puppy say to his mum?
I woof you.
I was sitting there quietly, eating a bag of potato chips, when my wife came in and shouted at me…
''What's wrong with you, moron!?''
Shocked, I asked, ''What?!''
''Open the bloody bag!''
Someone from Southern France sent me an MS Word file with 200 pages.
It's a Languedoc.
Q: Why did the wind turbine blush?
A. It broke wind.
It was so hot in New York City today, the mayor told the Statue of Liberty to put her arm down.