“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous

Why don't bananas snore?
Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.

I asked the land beside the ocean if he was certain he wasn't beach.
But he was pretty shore.

My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”

I am sure it is not this jog, you definitely just took my breath away.

What do you learn in witch school?
Spelling.

What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.

Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.

Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.

What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.

Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.

Call me Rudolph, because you just sleighed me.

What happened to the dog who ate too much garlic?
Its bark was worse than its bite.

I tried to come up with a funny theatre joke, but it was all just an act.

“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown

Hey, you can r’Eli on me to be a fun date

I dropped my steak into the fire.
Well done, me, well done.

What do you call a skeleton who goes out in the snow?
A numb-skull.

Wow, You must be the pretty princess the evil queen is trying to get rid of.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

Can you feel that universal energy flowing from me to you?

What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.

Hey baby are you a boxer? You should try it, because your one hell of a knock out!

Why don’t you see an ocean in school?
They just can’t wade through all that homework.

Does Mr. Otterton listen to Gazelle? Yes he's a rabid fan.

“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous

Which band were way ahead of their time in the stage lighting department?
LED Zeppelin.

It was a great fire. It was a bon-fire.

Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.

When I proposed to my fiancee, she started crying. It must be because I proposed to her with an onion ring.

“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”

There was a vampire named Vlad
The Village all thought he was bad
But the true story
Just wasn't gory
It turns out Vlad was just sad.

Does your dad own a chocolate factory? Because you are as sweet as chocolate.

I love you for all the goofy things you do
I love you even when you don’t know the lyrics to our favorite song
I love you even when you snort when laugh
I love you just the way you are
This is why they say love is blind

(Anonymous)

What was the first car Henry Fordasaurus invented? A Model T-Rex.

How does Mr. Bean introduce himself in Spain?
Soy Bean.

What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef

What was Michael Jackson's favorite Spanish food?
Jamon!

Where does wine catch up on all the vineyard dirt?
Through the grapevine.

Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.

"Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod"

Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod
was known for eating all things odd.
The thing that bothered me the most
has he spread toothpaste on his toast?

“It’s springtime fresh, so cool and minty.”
His smiling eyes were bright and squinty.
On baked potatoes, he would slather
one half can of shave cream lather.

I don’t know how his tum could cope
as he ingested cubes of soap.
At times his food choice made a scene;
at least he kept his innards clean.

– Denise Rodgers

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin

What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet? A UF-hoe.

There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.

What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.

Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.

As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.

Why do pandas have fur coats?
Because they’d look stupid in denim jackets.

Where's the weak spot on a Scottish goalie? The fief hole.

I used to be a personal driver in France
But now I have nothing to chauffeur it.