What would’ve happen if the Apollo astronauts stayed on the lunar surface for too long?
They would’ve been lunatics.

Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.

What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.

Wine if you must. It’s not good to bottle up your emotions.

“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown

"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.

What do turkeys and women have in common?

A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.

If you suck playing the trumpet, that's probably why.

If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?

How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!

What happened when the koala house party got a little too far out of hand? One of the neighbors koalaed the cops.

“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown

Knock, Knock

Who’s there?

Can!

Can who?

Can I worm my way in to your house!

I had a flamingo come to stay with me when he had a cold. We nicknamed him phlegmingo.

C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hold it! We don't serve minors here."

"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."

“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown

“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”

What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!

I like rivers very much. I was watching a live stream earlier.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.

Is your name Pepsi? Because you sure are sizzling.

Ugh.. I ate too much hummus..
And now I filafel.

People who fall sick at the airport possibly end up with terminal illness.

Hey babe, I want tibia your Valentine!

What’s an avocado’s favorite music?
Guac ‘n’ roll.

Q. Which Louisville race exclusively features buck and stag contestants?
A. The Kentucky Deer-by.

Good science always checks itself before it wrecks itself.

A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."

I hear your thirsty? Well I've got a six pack right here!

What do you call an ant with big hair?
Bouff-ant.

What did the beach say to the water? "I need some vitamin sea."

I went into the library and asked for pint of milk. The librarian said 'this is a library'. So i whispered 'I'd like a pint of milk please'.

Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.

“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso

Why do referees always hurry to catch their next flight? Because it's "two
minutes 'fore boarding!"

"Fun Grandpa"

My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.

Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.

A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.

It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!

How did the horse solve a murder?
Compiled newspaper clippings.

A weeping camel is known as a humpback wail.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!

What did the oreo cookie say to his filling? You’re my butter half.

The Christmas alphabet has noel.

I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.

What do you call a lobster that's afraid of tight spaces?
Claw-strophobic

What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic

I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.

Where do sheep go to get haircuts? To the Baa Baa shop!

What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.