What’s an apple’s favorite movie? Mr and Mr Smith.
What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!
What do you call a food stamp inside of a burrito? An otter fortune cookie
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it round the garden.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted.
Are you an orphanage? Cause I wanna give you kids.
If you happen to knock down all the pins, don’t be overly excited. Spare us the details.
Q: What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up?
A: It blossoms
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
Why did you guys not laugh at my space puns? Because there way to Sirius.
You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
What makes more noise than a dog barking outside your window?
Two dogs barking outside your window.
Is your name Ariel? Because we mermaid for each other.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”
Why shouldn't you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender?
The service may be excellent, but he'll try to spike all the drinks.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
I'm doing yoga tonight but I rather be doing you.
What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players?
Soccer players pretend to be hurt.
NFL players pretend to be innocent in court.
Luca here, I’m just going to cut to the chase and ask if you want to get a drink with me
You’re sledding a fine line there.
Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin.
I told him I'd gourd it with my life.
What do you call bananas that don't stick up for themselves? A bunch of pansies.
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. “Uno” “Dos”
And then he vanished, without a tres.
Hey, want to get together sometime since we both have unpaired electrons?
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
Is your Spotify working? Because I would love you to join my family plan.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
When the unripe strawberry saw the ripe one, it was green with envy.
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
Not many people liked the new tree I planted.
It wasn’t very poplar.
What did the bear say when he got a joke? He just bear-ly had a chuckle!
A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.
We're looking for the root cause.
What do you call a small Minotaur?
A Minitaur.
A gorilla starts off his day by going to his car
When he gets to his car, he notices hes missing something. He walks back in his house, and asks his wife "Have you seen monkeys?"
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.
What does a chocolate crow say? “Cacao!”
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils!
What did the duck who learned physics say?
Quark, quark.
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
How did the swim team manage to pay for new pool renovations?
They pool-ed their resources!