Why does the dolphin kingdom never go to war?
Because it would defeat the porpoise.
It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”
"You could be drinking whole [milk] if you wanted to."
- Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
Who do vampires buy their cookies from? The Ghoul Scouts
You must be a magician, because everytime I look at you, everyone else disappears.
What’s the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush?
One crushes boats and the other brushes coats!
What’s a pig’s favorite holiday? Ar-boar Day.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
What happened to the pirate ship that sank in a sea full of sharks?
It came back with a skeleton crew.
What’s the difference between a greyhound station and a lobster with a boob job?
One’s a crusty bus-station, the other’s a busty crustacean.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
You are so cute, you’ve Lily got me hooked
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
Do you believe in love at first set? Or should I curl this barbell another 10 times?
What do we call a deer without any eye?
“No – eye – deer.”
What happens when you buy a dog from the blacksmith?
When he gets home he’ll make a bolt for the door.
I saw you and I pictured us as swans, we could mate for life.
There’s muffin I wouldn’t do for breakfast.
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
Another term for hair that's tied up in a bun is
a hairball
My mom told me that life is like a deck of cards, so you must the be queen of hearts.
"Humor is reason gone mad."
What did the trees wear when they went to a pool party? Swimming trunks.
The insane amount of rainfall in Poland did not lead the river to flood, all was in Oder.
What is a mosquitos worst fear?
The S.W.A.T Team.
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
A balding magician had an act where he'd put a rabbit on his head and make it disappear...
The hare vanished into thin hair.
Q. How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two, but it has to be a really BIG light bulb.
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
"I mead more wine."
Babe, you are like my right temporoparietal areas: I’d be lost without you.
Don't theater jokes always seem so staged?
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
I told you snow.
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
How do you apologize to a koala? BEAR your heart and soul.
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark you still seem to shine.
I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought
Wasn’t the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought,
Had been the thought I thought,
I wouldn’t have thought I thought.
What's a shark's favorite hobby?
Anything he can sink his teeth into.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
Hey baby, are you a cloud server?
Because I have something to upload from my hard drive.
Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because then the kids have to play indoors.
Looking after more than one elephant at a time requires the ability to multi-tusk.
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
You must be a fourth or a fifth, because you're just perfect!
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.