This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."
Oh no, I'm choking! I need mouth to mouth, quick!
What happened to the men who lost their lettuce?
I don't know, but apparently they lost their heads.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cod.
What's a frog's favorite game?
Hop-scotch (or leapfrog).
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
What do you call a cup of leaf juice that doesn’t want to be a dad?
Absent-tea parent.
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
You know what’s on the menu? ME-N-U
Deaf mute gets new hearing
When his wife was preparing his favorite chocolate cake, the baseball player said "Batter Up.
Did you hear about the corn stalk that changed careers?
He went into a different field!
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.
You could say I have a killer sense of humor.
Once upon a Halloween night,
A coven of witches took flight;
They went to the UN;
Added an “F” to UN.,
From then on the world’s future was more bright.
What did the deer say after she did her friend a favor?
“You doe me!”
How does Frankenstein jump-start his day?
With a shock of lighting.
Why did the bat walk in her pijamas to take a bath?
Because she did not have a bat robe.
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.” – Charlie McCarthy
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?
They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.
What kind of shoes do all spies wear? Sneakers.
Hey did you know you can’t spell Dreamy without Amy?
Had a great weekend. Won the annual weather forecaster's championships!
I beat the raining champion.
If you won't let me buy you a drink, at least let me fix your laptop.
Where do sheep go to get haircuts? To the Baa Baa shop!
You, me, we
Two souls stuck together, like a piece of meat
You, me, us
My love shines bright for you, like a big yellow bus
You, me, us two
My love for you can be smelled for miles
Like an old stinky shoe
(Anonymous)
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s sea salt.
Why do you never see koalas wearing shoes? Because they love going bearfoot.
Which chicken is at the top of the pecking order?
Attila the Hen.
What’s your go to order at a bar? Mine is A Big Ale
Like the ideal vacuum, you’re the only thing in my universe.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? A; Because he heard the cakes were rich.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
You and the sun have one thing in common. You are both radiant.
Where do ghosts play golf?
On a golf corpse.
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
Easter? I hardly even knew her.
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
Who’s a llama’s favorite composer?
Wolfgang Llamadeus Mozart.
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
I can't stand people who don't wash their hands.
They make me sick.
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
What do koalas use when they’re doing yard work? A wheelbearow.
I tried to build myself an armchair, but I messed up some of the measurements and made it too wide.
So near, and yet sofa
What is a strawberry that likes to spin called? A berry-go-round.
Get that red light ready, because you and I are about to score.