What kind of aquatic animal thinks you did a good job?
The seal of approval.
Get me some cooling aloe gel, because you are making me as hot as a sunburn.
Where do the astronauts park their vehicles? At the parking meteors.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
Can I call you pia mater? Cause you’re always on my mind.
Where do bad jokes about skeletons belong?
In the skelebin.
Gas rig men grilled by villagers - The Oxford Times
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
Are you alone? Nice to meet you, me too.
Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing it just waved.
I'd definitely let you join in my reindeer games.
I would part the Red Sea for you.
Thankfully, not too many thieves are interested in acting on stage. They'd surely steal the show.
Why did the skeleton climb up the tree?
Because a dog was after his bones!
It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
Q: Why was the cloud so dark and stormy?
A: It was feeling mis-thunder-stood.
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
What did the married deer couple say to each other? I love you deer-ly!
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
I'm like a cow in tall grass,
I'm utterly tickled to be here.
It's always a first class trip with me.
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.
When ghosts visit the seaside, they always get an i-scream.
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? Hip-Hop!
What was Hitler's favorite computer game?
Mein Kraft.
Love me do
Wel'l Wel'l Wel'l - if it isn't autocorrect.
Man is Fatally Slain.
Are you from Tennessee?
Because you look inbred.
Why can’t a legless skeleton win an argument?
They don’t have a leg to stand on.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta
Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?
What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
Strawberries.
What do volleyball players watch during their free time? They watch Spike TV.
Some people have to stop telling meat puns, because they simply butcher every single joke.
Are you from Mars? ‘cuz I wanna explore you with curiosity?
What did the beaver say to the river? You can run but can't tide.
Why do crabs never give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.