"The Upside-Down World"
I know a place that holds the Sky
A place where little white clouds lie;
The edge is all green as Grass,
The middle is as smooth as Glass;
And there the round sun makes his Bed;
And there a tree stands on its Head;
Sometimes a Bird sits on that Tree;
Sometimes it sings a song to me;
And always in that shining place
I see a little smiling Face;
She nods and smiles; but all the same
The Girl down there won’t tell her name.
– Hamish Hendry
What do you call an elf who runs away from Santa's Workshop? A rebel without a Claus!
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.
But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.
And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.
Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.
- Catherine Pulsifer
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
What is the most depressed river in Southern Europe? The Crimea River.
Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?
Why did Frankenstein tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
"Roses are red, Violets are blue. Garbage is dumped, now so are you."
- Dad, where are the DVDs? Where's Shrek, I want to watch it.
- Somewhere ogre there.
What is a golfer’s worst nightmare?
The Bogeyman.
Sorry, I don't believe in love at first sight. But I am willing to make an exception in your case.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
What happened to the cherry that got married to an apple? They are living apple-y ever after.
This limerick isn’t a stretch.
It’s about an unfortunate wretch.
A werewolf pursued him.
How did he elude him?
He threw it a stick and yelled, “Fetch!”
How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.
My wife looked at me and said “You think you’re pretty sharp, don’t you?”
You're so pharma-cute-ical!
Babe, all the trail leads straight to you.
Have you heard about the movie that involved haunted dairy items? I believe it is called Paranormal Activia.
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
A security guard at an airport informs the pilot of a man trying to sneak contraband onto an airplane.
The pilot responds, "That's not going to fly."
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee calling fowls.
Are you a volcano? Because I lava you so much!
What’s an apple’s favorite movie? Mr and Mr Smith.
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
Why shouldn't you mess with Santa? Because he has a black belt.
To all ya'll without tap water,
Get well soon.
What do you call a polyarmourus deceased gorilla?
Harembe.
What do you call an elephant that’s never clean?
A smelly-phant.
I was at a bar and heard a band playing a Queen cover. I asked them what the name of their band was. They are called the Champignons my friend.
How many cookies could a good cook cook If a good cook could cook cookies? A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
What jumps up and down in front of a car?
Froglights.
Golf balls are like eggs…
They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
I don’t know your name, but I’m sure it’s as beautiful as you are.
Why did the T-Rex only sell hand-guns?
He was a small-arms dealer.
Let’s get elf-ed up.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
Why didn't the artist replace his kitchen sink? Because he said that if it's not baroque, don't fix it.
What did the perverted pumpkin use for his pick-up line?
Hey gourd-geous! Wanna go back to my place and squash?
Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock