Have you heard about the gorilla who got a name change?
Peaches the gorilla escaped from the zoo, but when they got him back they had to change it because it turns out he had become an Ape Re-caught.
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
Why Did the Milkman Get Fired?
He was skimming off the top.
Last winter was so cold, I couldn’t stop telling my wife how much I glove her.
Do you like hot foods
If so, you definitely are what you eat.
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
Oh, this flower in my hand? I was just showing it how beautiful you are.
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
How are trumpets like pirates?
They both murder in the high C’s.
Grammar has never been my strong suit.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
A slimey snake slithered down the sandy sahara.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug - although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty year old thug thought of that morning.
“Deck the Halls with Bows on Collies.”
Which classical Greek may have actually invented baseball?
Homer.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
Your name must be trigonometry, because you make me want to cry.
My girlfriend really changed after she became vegan
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
I saw a squirrel running in circles in my yard today…
I think it lost its nuts.
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde
Is your name Ariel? Because we mermaid for each other.
I'm Claus-trophobic.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.
I can go 90 minutes without stopping.
There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'
What is Medusa’s favorite cheese?
Gorgonzola.
Nobody wants to sit next to the watermelon in the class because it has a strange smelon.
You must be a C major scale... All natural.
I have been trying to write a new pizza joke…
But I can’t work out the delivery.
Dear Turkey, don't worry... they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, all women.
What do you give a sick penguin?
Tweetment.
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
Black ice isn't the only thing I'm falling for.
They call me Ace, because you just got served.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
I like dillos, but do not support giving them guns.
I would never armadillo.
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
If we cross lobster bisque and Elon Musk, what we have is a soup-er car
What happens if an owl doesn't wash?
It smells fowl.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He heard there were some hot chicks on the other side.
Miners Refuse to Work after Death.
Are you a fire detector?
Because you're loud and annoying.
What symbolizes a goat’s family tree?
A goat of arms.
Which knight is the protector of foods?
Sir Anwrap
Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they'd break.