What do you get when you cross a computer with an elephant? Lots of memory!
I’ve never seen a sleeker frame.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.
Why was the baby ant confused?
Because all his uncles were ants.
Boy: Oh I can't believe that Jesus is so sweet! Girl: Well that's because He's a life saver!
Which Nordique great has recurring ligament problems? Peter Spaz-knee!
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time for dinner.
What did the orange say before jumping into the juicer?
“The zest is yet to come!”
If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.
What happens when a koala drinks too much alcohol? He gets a bear gut.
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.
Took a flight, and my luggage got torn to pieces....
My lawyer said I don't have much of a case.
Why did the tectonic plates break up? It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
Looks like we’re Taylor made for each other
I'm not a professional referee, but please can I have your name and number?
My dad and I saw this girl with a colorful backpack covered in pot leaves
He turned to me and said "thats a dope backpack". He is catching onto my slang.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
Did the Vikings believe in reincarnation?
That's a re-Thorical question.
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
I saw an advert in the paper “Yacht for sale”.
As if people don't know what a yacht is for.
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!
What did the gorilla say after spending one month at te gym?
Geez, gain a little muscle mass, and everybody acuses you of steroids. As if eating too many bananas wasn't dopey enough!
When you come across a werewolf with no legs, how do you call it? Call it anything because it cannot chase you!
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?
My pizza jokes can’t be topped!
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
American cherries generally do pretty well at high school. Many of them end up on the cherryleading squad.
When the peach pit farewell to his friend, he said, "See you later, peach out".
My sister asked me for some spider puns.
I told her to look them up on the web.
What kind of music do sophisticated frogs listen to?
Hopera.
How did the hotdog overcome his fear of ketchup? He mustered up the courage.
Were you born on the Bluenose? Because baby, you're a dime.
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
Take me to Papa John's, because this is love at 425 degrees.
Why are the tiles in your shower so jolly?
They're having a grout time.
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
What do you call a ghost who haunts fireplaces? A toastie ghostie.
Golf is a lot like taxes:
You go for the green and wind up in the hole.
What do you get when you sit under a cow?
A pat on the head.
Come witch me to the party.
What did Archimedes's girlfriend told him when he hadn't taken bath for several days?
Eu-reek-a
"Dad, how do you cast spells?"
"You just follow the instructions."
"Which instructions?"
"Yeah, they're the ones."
I met a French vampire who had an attention deficit problem. We called him Drac..ooh la la!
As a flower cannot blossom without sunshine, I cannot survive without your love.