What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
Crash courses for private pilots - The Daily Telegraph
What do you call a martial artist who injured his leg?
Bruised Knee.
If you take the "L" out of LOVER. Its OVER.
My dad always used to tell me, "Never put all your eggs in one basket."
Which is probably why we lost the Easter egg hunt.
Which baseball player makes the best pancakes?
The batter.
Which book will be preferred by a man who sells milk? Cream and Punishment.
I don’t want naan of that. Neither do I!
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
What did the deer say after she saw her Amazon bill?
“I spent too much doe!”
The perfect name for a pig that plays basketball is a ball hog.
How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party
They planet.
What’s a whale’s favorite movie?
The Humpback Of Notre Dame.
What do you call a free treadmill?
The Great Outdoors.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.
I used Brylcreem this morning to slick back my hair like my father used to do. My wife asked me what I was doing.
I said, "I'm having a dad hair day."
What is a car’s favourite bug?
A beetle.
What does a posh salad shout before it's eaten?
KELP!
Where will you find an FBI sketch artist? In the bureau drawer.
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
Can you can a canned can into an un-canned can like a canner can can a canned can into an un-canned can?
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal sized clippers?
Shear size.
How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs, of course!
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
If there was a material made of milk which could store electricity...
...it would be called buttery.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
I used to hate tennis, but ever since I’ve started winning 6-0, I love it now.
Haida there, gorgeous.
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
I've invented a machine that prints money.
I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....
It makes no cents.
It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.
Real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels.
Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.
I’m concerned you just might be my poison, Ivy
Where do vampires eat their lunch?
At the casketeria.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
Every time I look at you, I feel like an astronaut. Your beauty makes me float.
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hoo.
Hoo who?
Are you an owl?
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
"Little Boy Blue"
Little Boy Blue, please cover your nose.
You sneezed on Miss Muffet and ruined her clothes.
You sprayed Mother Hubbard, and now she is sick.
You put out the fire on Jack’s candlestick.
Your sneeze is the reason why Humpty fell down.
You drenched Yankee Doodle when he came to town.
The blind mice are angry! The sheep are upset!
From now on, use a tissue so no one gets wet!
– Darren Sardelli
What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup? Firecrackers!
How come the mummy doesn't want a telephone? Because he always gets too wrapped up on his calls.
Heisenberg was wrong. I'm certain about what you're doing tonight.
What kind of tea did the American colonists want? Liberty.
Hey, I would like to introduce my Crouching Tiger to your Hidden Dragon.