I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.
What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space?
Steer Wars.
I’ll be there in a pinch.
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
What was the worst crime in the tree kingdom? Tree-son.
Even if there was no gravity, I'd still fall for you.
Did you hear about the battery and the volleyball who got into a fight? The volleyball is waiting to go to church and the battery was charged.
Why was red in awe of orange?
“Because orange blue green.”
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
"I don't bite, you know... unless it's called for."
- Audrey Hepburn, Charade (1963)
The United Nations gave its members a basket of peaches on 21 September - the International Peach Day.
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gater.
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
What do llamas call the end of the world?
Llamageddon.
Normally my species is cold blooded, but around you I am hot blooded.
I’m browsing the winter-net.
You're like my tea: Hot and British!
What do you call a werewolf who doesn't know he's a werewolf ?
Unawarewolf.
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
Finally, the call came in and the orange was informed by the person on the other end of the line that the company had orange-d an interview for the following day.
Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday
The virus is quarantined for two weeks
Why are parrots so good at improvisation? Because they know how to wing it!
On my farm, an entire lot of onions had some allergic reactions that broke out in chives!
Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet!
What do kittens wear? Dia-purrs!
If a T-Rex slipped and broke its nose would it would need a dinoplasty?
I threw a fuzzy peach at my doctor's head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar."
Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?
I thought happiness started with an H. Why does mine start with U?
We may be two ships that pass in the night, but I must have your number before you Ceylon.
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
People order potatoes a lot because they look a-peeling on the menu.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.
Grammar Nazis for math should be called Fibbonazis.
What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
What do you call really scared pasta?
Chicken noodles.
Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo?
An animal that keeps its nuts in its pockets.