Overheard on a bus... What do you call a social hermit crab?
Just a crab.
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
Why didn’t one skeleton want to look at the other skeleton?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
How many limbs does an alligator have?
It all depends on what he ate for lunch, dinner and breakfast.
Will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?
I just can't see them taking off.
I won’t let you slip through my Butter Fingers.
Q: Why did the cherry stop in the middle of the road?
A: It ran out of juice.
Did you hear about one flower who went on a date with another flower?
It’s a budding romance.
What does a flower say when they’re offering you a job?
Take it or leaf it.
Did you hear about the flower who was struck in a hit and run?
She was leafed for dead.
Heya, howl you doin'? Yikes, sorry, that was a ruff start.
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
Did you hear about the battery and the volleyball who got into a fight? The volleyball is waiting to go to church and the battery was charged.
You’re brew-tiful!
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.
What kind of music do sophisticated frogs listen to?
Hopera.
Are you an overdue book? Because you have fine written all over you!
What happened when the pig pen broke?
They had to use the pig pencil.
What time do spacemen get up? Alien in the morning.
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
I’m not part of the Prohibition Movement. You can speakeasy to me.
Whose music do elves like the most?
Elf-is Presley.
My father ran his whole roofing business and it was a great success.
He had to stay on top of things though.
I thought, I thought of thinking of thanking you.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Keith!
Keith who?
Keith me, my thweet preenth!
"No wine left behind."
Can I take your temperature? You’re looking hot today.
It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!
You wanna know who makes my life complete? Read the first word in this sentence.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
My turn signal wasn’t working,
So I asked for help from a friend.
“Stand behind the car,” I said.
“Let’s get this problem to end.”
“When I turn the signal on,
If it’s working, let me know.”
I hit the blinker and then I heard:
“Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!”
(Joanna Fuchs)
Which Pokémon has Covid?
Pik-achoo.
You must be Niagara Falls because you’ve taken my breath away.
It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?
All theatres love to see scarecrows out in the audience as reviewers! They're simply outstanding in their field.
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
At What Time Does A Duck Wake Up?
At the quack of dawn.
Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
Because she grew out of her B-shells.
Who does their best work when they're under the weather?
Meteorologists.
What do you call bacon with salt on it?
Salt and Peppa.
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
What did the football player say to the flight attendant?
"Put me in coach."
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
I met this really beautiful crustacean, but I lobst her number.
What did Avogadro teach his students in math class?
Mole-tiplication
Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.
I’m thinking about buying a new phone because this crappy one doesn’t have your number in it.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.