Why are coyotes howling in the night?
Because they can only see the cactuses in the day.
Is your nickname cream cheese? Because you’re about to get bageled.
Did you hear about the keyboard that lost it's Period Key?
He was missing the point.
Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift. Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
You are more precious than my blue suede shoes
What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.
What do we call a deer that wears a mask and refuses to tell its name?
“Anony – moose.”
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
The last time I saw a body like yours, I was burying it in my basement.
I'm worried that the milk I got this morning was from a cloned cow. It tasted exactly like the milk I had yesterday.
Cassini spacecraft took pictures of both Saturn and Earth. It was literally the best of both worlds.
Did you hear about the salad race the other day?
The Lettuce was ahead, but the Tomato was ketchoping up...
Why shouldn’t you shoot an alligator?
He’ll just bite the bullet and make the best of it.
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
Is that a magic wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.
(Julie Hebert)
I knew a submarine sailor who wasn't very talkative or energetic
He was a subdued sub dude.
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
What is a cheese lover’s favorite rap artist?
Feta wap.
What do you call Chewbacca when he has chocolate stuck in his hair? Chocolate Chip Wookiee.
So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"
I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
The viking Rudolph the Red looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain.
His wife asked him, “What makes you say that?”
He replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
What’s a gorilla’s favourite pop group? A: Bananarama!
What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
Why don’t monkeys play cards in the jungle?
Because there are too many cheetahs.
Knock, knock,
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you!
Did you hear the horse and the pig are dating?
They’re in a stable relationship.
Did you hear about the bank that wanted to put an ATM up a tree? If it works, they are going to expand the idea to other branches.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
The lettuce was ahead while the tomato tried to ketchup.
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
You don't know jack-o-lantern
Gnomes don’t understand jokes, they go right over their heads.
What would you call a jellyfish combat veteran?
A man o' war.
We all know that the New England Patriots have their soup in the Super Bowl.
Baby, you're so hot it's got to be at least Fahrenheit 451 in here.
What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
Bi son!
What animal jumps when it walks and sits when it stands?
A kangaroo.
Someone vandalized my keyboard leaving only 1 button.
Surprisingly, the police were more thorough in the investigation than I expected. They even asked to see my colon.
Who is a ghoul’s favorite family member?
Mummy!
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
Hey baby, are you my flight? Because I wish I could catch you.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."