For you, I would slay two Goliaths.
Who’s a llama’s favorite actor?
Al Pacacino.
Mom: Why did you shave the peaches!
Dad: The recipe asked for nectarines.
I don't need 3D glasses to see how beautiful you are!
Where do birch trees keep their jewelry? In the river bank.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet?
Blood-thirsty hacker.
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
A group of crows drooling over a pastry is called a-tempted murder.
I would rather breed mice than crows
Mischief is one thing, but I don't think I can pull off a murder.
Why are goats and rhinos attracted to each other?
Because they are both horny animals.
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
What do you call a goat on a mountain?
Hillbilly.
The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year. He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.
When you come across a werewolf with no legs, how do you call it? Call it anything because it cannot chase you!
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
The cawllarborne of the skinny crow was so pronounced.
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Gosh, don’t cry it’s just a knock knock joke.
You must be a magician, because every time I look at you, everyone else disappears.
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.
The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!
(Samatha C. Ringle)
What is an astronauts favourite type of shirt?
Apollo
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
If you notice this notice,
you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
A car carrying bank robbers and a truck carrying cement collided yesterday. Police are now searching for hardened criminals.
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
How does a suit put his child into bed?
He tux him in.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
Do you know what they say about hockey players? They can always find the opening!
Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy
What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
Is your name Misty? You look so good in the rain.
What’s the difference between a fly and an eagle?
An eagle can fly but a fly cannot eagle.
I cut a dill with this spicy mami, but at the last minute she ginger mind.
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?" "I want you inside me!"
Why is it a bad idea to give a cow marijuana?
The steaks are too high.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I'm charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control
We’ll have a splash-tastic time.
Why did the blood sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic
Have a s-mash-ing birthday!
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
What did one slice of bread say to the other at their wedding?
Let’s grow mold together.