Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein

What’s black and white, has four legs and a trunk?
Two pandas on holiday.

What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?
Winnie the PU!

Why was the pig given a red card at the football game?
For playing dirty.

“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti

What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.

What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"

Why is it so hard for people with asthma to have exciting dates?
The last thing you want is someone to take your breath away!

What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu

You have a pizza my heart.

My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.

"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson

What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.

Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.

Tom Hanks just got the Corona virus.
They had to lock the whole Cast Away.

A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.

Rivers are so lazy they never get out of their beds.

What do you say when you want to break the ice with someone?
Ice to meet you!

Kids and I are making burgers for my wife on Mother's Day....
I hope they meat her expectations

Our school trip was a special occasion.
But we never reacher our destination.
Instead of the zoo.
I was locked in the loo.
of the toilet at the service station!

What do you call a funny mountain? hill-arious

What game do some skiers like to play on the road trip to the slopes?
Ice Spy With My Little Ice.

I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it

Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.

How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.

Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."

My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.

Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,

About Six-tea years to date,

Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,

her cupious amazing traits

Her balanced demeanour

Her Kindness and (earl) grace,

rooibost sense of humour,

too many to name in this teany space,

to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,

let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,

While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,

It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.

How do knights communicate?
They use chain mail.

How am I supposed to shamelessly flirt with you in the middle of the night when I don’t have your number?

Did you hear the plum joke? A: It was pitiful.

I might need a doctor, because you're Dublin my heart-rate!

What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?

A mist steak.

Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.

It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.

Why was the dog chasing his own tail?
Because he was trying to make both ends meet.

My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"

“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright

“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown

Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks

I think it would be hot if we f**ked other people. Exclusively.

I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.

What do you call a snowman in July?
A puddle.

“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel

What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"

I'm not a very good swimmer, do you have any lifeguard experience?

What’s an ig?
A snow house without a loo!

Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.

Iron Man's favourite Xmas gifts this year were socks that fire from his feet.
He called them missile toes.

The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.

Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.