What is a mountains favorite type of candy?
Snow caps.

The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.

What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A. Milk and quackers!

Did the Vikings believe in reincarnation?
That's a re-Thorical question.

My friend’s parrot lost his beak in a fan accident and he wanted to find a prosthetic. I sent him to my Uncle Tony.
He fits the bill.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Alfie
Alfie who?
Alfie terrible if you leave!

There's snow place like the mountains in winter.

What's a werewolf healed from Lycanthropy?
Over the moon.

Don’t ever trust a leper-con!

Your love is like vodka.
You were worth the chase.

What pickup line can you use to pick up a cheese lover?
“Are you cheddar? ‘Cause you’re lookin’ sharp!”

Why should you never tell jokes about radon, cobalt and yttrium? They are just too CoRnY.

What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.

What did Snow White call her chicken?
Egg White.

“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine

Does your left eye hurt? Because you’ve been looking right all day.

What do you get when a dinosaur blows it's nose? OUT of the way!!

Water you doing on [date]?

What’s the difference between a crow and a chicken?
A chicken can crow, but a crow can’t chicken.

A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The bar man asks: “have you been served?”

In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked. It was earie.

I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”

I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.

What do you call a pig who does karate?
A pork chop.

What do you get when you cross a "bad idea for using fur" with 86 billion neurons?
A hare-brained idea.

“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid

The walls in this tennis factory are so thin, that when I try to get some work done, all I hear is people making a racquet.

Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.

What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but
lightning kills for free.”

My flamingo friends are always making me pay for dinner. I find that they can be real cheepskates.

Why is winter the least popular time of year for a wedding?
Because the grooms always get cold feet!

Why don’t we go somewhere where I can stick a candle in your jack-o-lantern?

"Diaper Alert"

My God!
what's in yond wind yee broke
doth burn mine eyes
and make me choke.

Such bitter breeze
such wafting savor
assaults mine senses
which flee in terror!

No sewage pit
nor stagnant mire
cans't rival thine
unholy power.

A road dead skunk
in a summer's swelter
would smell more like a rose
most precious flower.

What cursed perfume
thou villainous rouge
doth linger in thine wake
begone and find your mom I say
it's her turn for goodness sake!

– Running Wolves

Did you hear about the bird that couldn’t pass environmental legislation?
He was a lame duck.

Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.

Where are dead computer hackers buried?
In decrypt.

What are Astronauts doing when they do a mistake?
They Apollogize

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.

Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new love make it last.

(Anonymous)

My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!

The 70s/80s aesthetic has recently become pretty popular in France.
They say it has a certain Gen X sais quoi.

I need a date; do you know where I could find one?

My mother's mother hit the jackpot at the BINGO!!!
She's a grammy winner!

You have a pizza my heart.

I'm not too fond of not finishing my entire bowl of cereal. I think I have irritable bowl syndrome.

Sips getting real.

What do snowmen do on Christmas?
Play with the snow angels.

What do poplars bring to war? They bring their infan-tree.