Which Hollywood actor can tell his car's odometer reading without looking at it?
Miles Teller
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
Why are you eating a banana with the skin on? Oh, it's all right. I know what's inside.
What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken?
An egg-splosion.
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
What is a golfer’s favorite bird?
Any birdie will do.
Where does a tiger sleep?
Anywhere he wants to!
I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.
We're currently filming the pilot.
What happens if you listen to metal too loudly?
You become Megadeaf
What did Homer Simpson say when he saw a female deer?
“Doe!”
What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? Nobody nose.
How does a 20-something pig hit on someone?
They invite them over to Netflix and swill.
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
Where did the dog leave her car?
In the barking lot.
There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
It is said that crows and owls are in caw-hoots.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!
Why do skeletons never move?
Because they have too much Skelatonin.
Gave my pet leopard a bath every day. Now he’s spotless.
What sign was posted in the witches' parking lot?
Violators will be toad.
A beaver goes into a bar and sees a man standing behind the bar and asks him...
"Excuse me sir. Is the bar tender here?"
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
I love you dairy much.
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
Where do naughty rainbows go?
Prism
Stop Stalin and let’s hook up.
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
What do you call a zombie who stir-fries?
Dead Man Wokking
There was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, 'Are these caps?'
She answered, 'Perhaps!'
That oracular Lady of Prague.
If you were in the jungle, and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
Do you run track? Cause I relay like you!
You're the ruler of my heart.
Have you heard about the pig who killed his own farmer? He did it to save his bacon.
What did the deer say after prancing around a cloning machine for an hour?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
I tried to open a bag of Lays but it exploded all over me.
I've had a chip on my shoulder ever since.
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
Why did the orange cry?
Someone hurt its peelings.
I was souper excited to hear some soup puns for the comic chef - but his performance did not excite miso much.
Every time I look at you, I feel like an astronaut. Your beauty makes me float.
The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.
Why do pigs make awful football players?
They don’t like playing with the “pig skin.”
The huddle is real
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball!
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.