Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
What is it called when a skeleton lawyer works for free!
Pro Bone-O.
I'm Havana dream about you.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Eva.
Eva who?
Eva been asked out via knock knock joke before…?
Why couldn’t the baby horse eat dessert?
It was foal.
What do you call an explosive horse?
Neigh-palm.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
What do a great hitter and a boxer have in common?
Both are serious sluggers.
What do you call a group of arms?
An army.
The snow leopard appeared just at the time our guide predicted it. It appeared white on time!
Zero lucks given on St. Patrick’s Day.
If the wooden face mask was popularized by Jacques Plante, was the wooden
cup made popular by Jock Plank?
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
What do you call a fast broomstick?
A vroom-stick.
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
Why will you not want to give a bath to the Saturn? It would then leave a ring around the tub.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
What's green and pecks on trees?
Woody Wood Pickle.
I'm not a snowman, but woman, you make my heart melt.
Why do gnomes laugh when they play football?
Because the grass tickles their armpits.
There was an Old Person of Tring,
Who embellished his nose with a ring;
Ha gazed at the moon
Every evening in June,
That ecstatic Old Person in Tring.
Wanna go explore some celestial bodies together?
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
Knock Knock.
Who’s there? Donut. Donut who? Donut ask, it’s a secret!
My game is just like Alexander Keith's: "Those who like it, like it a lot."
Went to the doctor because I got a strawberry stuck in my ear
He gave me some cream for it
Why was the teenager deer a bad driver?
He didn’t want to use the deering wheel.
Cow's that eat strawberries give strawberry milk.
What kind of magazines would the planets prefer to read? Cosmos.
What is the best way to observe the two planets between Jupiter and Neptune?
Saturn Uranus.
What did the orange say to the lemon?
"'yello!"
What’s a skeleton’s second favorite instrument?
A sax-a-bone.
Turtles communicate with each other through shell phones.
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
Hey sugar-buns, do you play Center? Wanna be the center of my attention?
I didn't know snow angels could fly as pretty as you skiing.
What did the rabbit say to its wife? No bunny compares to you.
I thought, I thought of thinking of thanking you.
What do you call a flying elephant?
A jumbo jet.
Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.
Where do baseball players wash up?
In the bat tub.
You make me more excited than gifts under a Christmas tree.