What do you get when you cross a pig with a centipede?
Bacon and Legs.
What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.
The paddy don’t start till I walk in.
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
Who is the most famous French skeleton?
Napolean Bone-aparte.
What do you call a gangsta snowman?
Froze-T.
What do you call who has been electrocuted? You call it anion.
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he likes cool music...
Skiing is believing!
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
I would love climbing to the peak of Mount Everest, but I do not see the point.
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
What did one pirate say to the other when he beat him in chess.
Check matey!
Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.
“Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? He wanted to sleep like a log.”
Why did the skeleton have to testify in court?
Because he was a body of evidence.
You remind me of Halley's Comet. I don't wanna see you again for another 74 years.
Thank you for teaching me about bargaining
It means a great deal.
What do you call a dog that’s been left outside in the cold?
A chili dog.
I know a fun activity that can burn 500 calories an hour...
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? Because he wanted to see time fly!
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
Why did the Easter Bunny go to the doctor?
It was time for his annual eggzam.
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.
Why did the cheese shop owner finally quit the business?
He was tired of the daily rind.
I just lost my job and may be Baroque, but that doesn't mean I can't show you a good time.
That skeleton over there wanted to ask you for your number, but, unlike me, he didn’t have the guts
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
When is a synapse like a tree?
When it is pruned.
Unbelievably there was yet another truck crash, this time it was carrying Vicks VapoRub. There was no congestion for the rest of the day.
Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
Whenever I go to a zoo, I only ever see dogs.
They were Shiht-zus.
So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive
It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)
What pickup line can you use to pick up a cheese lover?
“Are you cheddar? ‘Cause you’re lookin’ sharp!”
What do you call a gorilla with a million dollars?
A gorillanaire
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? "Where's Popcorn?"
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
Would you like to come over for tea and crumpets?
Girl, it would be both a Crime and a Punishment if you don't let me take you out.