What do fish use for money?
Sand dollars!
I thought my ballet-themed body art was unique
But then I saw someone who had a tutu tattoo, too.
What do horses get after graduating university?
A pedegree.
My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.
If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Also Did you utilize Canada's public healthcare system to help ease that pain?
There was a flamingo in our garden for such a long time, we started calling it a flaminstay.
Why did the fish cross the road? Cause it was hooked!
Why is spring a great time to start a gardening business?
Because it’s the season when you can really rake in the cash.
What's the opposite of an elephant?
An eleph-antonym.
Did you hear the joke about the donut? Probably not, it was crummy!
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? Hip-Hop!
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.
What's one of the worst things you could come across while surfing the web?
Your keyboard.
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
An onion just told me a joke.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Circumcision Now Seen As Pointless.
Why did the girl walk into the ice cream store with an umbrella?
She heard there were going to be sprinkles
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
I heard your beauty inspired an artistic movement called "perfectionism".
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
What do you call yogurt that is terrified of other dairy products? A cow-ard!
Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.
Your smile is brighter than the fireworks on the 4th of July.
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
"Dying to have fun."
Babe, your beauty makes the morning sun look like the dull glimmer of the moon.
What do you call a diving dog?
A sub woofer.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
Some guy wanted to charge me a bunch of money for a second hand bouncy house.
But I wasn't sure if that was something I really wanted to jump into.
Let’s spend some koala-ty time together.
I yam rooting for you my sweet potato and I won't mash your heart
Why couldn’t the clownfish buy a house?
The fish could not buy a house because he didn’t have an-e-mon-e!
I didn't want to have brain surgery but I had to.
I guess it changed my mind.
Q: Why could the fruits not see anything?
A: It was peach black there.
I love you and I ain’t lion.
What is the musical part of a snake?
The scales.
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.
What did the police officer say to the hand?
Stop! You are under a wrist!
A few years ago, I had a job translating pre-Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.