Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
What do you call a bear who practices dentistry?
A molar bear.
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
Why was the broom late? It over swept!
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
What is the best way to make gold soup? By adding 22 carrots in it.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
I get a real kick out of you.
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.
Why did the fruit bat eat the orange?
“Because it had appeal.”
I’m like a solar panel absorbing your radiant sunshine energy.
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
Did you know that humans started out as peas? That's why we're called homosa-pea-ns.
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
If you're in a food fight, always throw peas. We need to give peas a chance.
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
If you were a baseball field could I hit a homerun.
Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
Why does the earth appreciate the moon so much?
It keeps the oceans tidy.
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!
How many grams of protein are there in that slice of chocolate pie? 3.14159265.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
One more thyme.
Don’t be hay-tin on autumn!
What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit?
Floss Vegas.
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
I like my matches like my tennis balls: Pressureless.
My twin brother was being rude to our mother on the phone, so I pushed him out of the window...
Now I am being charged with making an "obscene clone fall."
I tried to catch the fog.
But I mist.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
Are you an overdue book? Because you have fine written all over you!
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
What are the best sandwiches to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy melts!
What is the ocean’s favorite lullaby?
Roe, Roe, Roe Your Boat.
I want you for myself like Newfoundland has its own time zone.
May the mass times acceleration be with you.
The hipster burnt his tongue. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
Hi! Tell me a funny story about your dog. I know you've got one.
What do you call a crimson-colored fish wearing a hat?
A red herring...
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
Who makes dinosaur clothes? dino-sewer.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them has a watch.
"What time do you think it is?" one of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise," says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyway. After a few seconds of screaming, a light turns on in another yard and a neighbor yells, "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"
Do you know what firemen often add to their soup? – They add firecrackers.