Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”.
Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!
I prefer the new system to reviewing line calls. When Hawk-eye came around, I breathed a big Cy-clops of relief.
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What did the teaching tree do when it went overseas? It took a leaf of absence!
Who is the first farmer to walk on the moon?
Neil Farmstrong.
What did Detective Duck say to his partner?
“Let’s quack this case.”
What Twix do you have up your sleeve that makes me love you?
Last night the river was arrested. The river was accused of illegal streaming.
Did you hear about the crocodile who was unable to mate?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.
I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!
I would love to live in Yorkshire, because it Leeds me to your heart.
Now I know why there's no snow - you're so hot!
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
If a goat grows a beard, is it a goatee?
Would you mind watching my pet parrot while I’m out, as long as it’s not too much of a birden?
You are the HCl to my NaOH. With our sweet love, we could make an ocean together.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
My cow gives less milk,
now that it has been eaten,
by a fierce dragon.
There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.
What did the Gorilla say when he saw there was a sale happening?
Ooh! OOh! OOOh!!!!
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
It’s worth a shot.
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
Where did the duck go when he was sick? A:
To the ducktor.
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
What is a female "Douchebag" in France called??
A douche-baguette.
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
You must be the square root of two because I'm irrational around you.
What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.
What did the steak say to his girlfriend? You're the apple of my rib-eye!
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
Why was the evergreen so lonely in high school? She was always pining to become a part of the poplar kids.
The bowling team of which I am captain is known lightning. This is because we get countless strikes.
Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
What did the beaver say to his girlfriend?
Chew make me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
Who’s a llama’s favorite U.S. president?
Barack Ollama.
Soft fruits make really supportive parents. Whenever their youngsters fail at something, they just smile and say “Have another bite at the cherry.”
Where do eggs go on holiday?
New Yolk.
What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar.
If you were a flower, I would pick you.
What’s a ghoul’s favorite Beatles song?
The Ghoul on the Hill!
Girl, your skin is so smooth, and you smell good just like some new shoes.
I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.