What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.
How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Romeostasis.
Because of you, I laugh a little harder, cry a little less, and smile a lot more.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
- Gail DeBole
What happens when you blend sulfur, tungsten and silver together? SWAG.
Sorry I've been following you...
But my parents told me to chase my dreams.
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell.
Why did Frankenstein’s monster go to a psychiatrist?
He thought he had a screw loose.
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
People with 20-20 vision..
Why you didn't warn us before??
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
Cherry pie can be a bit aggressive. Rumor has it they go around saying, “Hey! You want a piece of me?”
These book puns have tickled your spine.
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
Now I know why Solomon had 700 wives.
Because he never met you.
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.
I went to the zoo the other day and saw an alligator that will only eat finely chopped food.
It was an alligrator.
I’m so glad prohibition was repealed, because I’m drunk on you.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
What did Dracula say to the priest who visited his castle?
Don’t you ever cross me!
Just received Areal Flood Advisory notification on my phone
I should hope it's a real one, the fake ones are just annoying.
How does one astronaut on the moon tell another astronaut that he is sorry?
He apollo-gises.
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite toy?
A. A bab-boom-orang.
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
There was an Old Man of th' Abruzzi,
So blind that he couldn't his foot see;
When they said, 'That's your toe,'
He replied, 'Is it so?'
That doubtful Old Man of th' Abruzzi.
What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!
Usain bolt must be a fruit
Have you seen that mango?
In an attempt to deter computer hackers I've changed all my passwords to 'Brazil Nut'
That will be a hard one to crack.
The librarian's office was on the A level. I asked for a book about submarines.
She told me to look below C level.
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
What’s a llama’s favorite movie?
Alpacalypse Now.
What did an angry donut say to his wife?
Donut talk to me.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
I could go on and on about Salming but I don't want to Borje.
Are you a sweet honeybee? Because you have stung me in the heart
TV news anchors love the shades of red. They get serious whenever there is Burgundy.
What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew!
What did dinosaurs have that no others animals ever had? Baby dinosaurs!
Do you know why bread hates warm weather? It just makes things too toasty.
Did you here about the croc with a serious drug addiction?
It was a crackodile.
Why was the scarecrow upset with the worm?
It was going ear to ear in the corn field!