How about the most dangerous mountain in the world? Kill-a-man-jaro.
hat’s the most sophisticated kind of bread?
The upper crust.
Why did the other volleyball team bow? Because they heard that the queens of the court were there.
What did one lightbulb say to the other lightbulb on Valentine’s Day?
I love you watts.
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
Brother: "My friend John is in Greece studying abroad."
My Dad: "What's her name?"
You sleigh me.
Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.
Where do school-going vampires carry their books?
In bat-packs.
What the difference between you and a calendar? a calendar has dates.
I have always had acrophobia, but the plane flight brought it to a new height.
The tiny bag of flour got in trouble, so his mother sent him to bread early. He kneaded to be punished.
I dig you a hole lot.
You have goat to be kidding me.
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
Unlike peaches, nectarines don't have any fuzz, because they suffer from Alo-peach-ea.
Is your iPad making you fall asleep?
I can help—there’s a nap for that.
What's the difference between a peeping tom and somebody getting out of a bath?
One is rude and nosy, the other is nude and rosy.
What do you get when you spill soup on a comic book? Souperman.
What do you call a kids book about otters? Harry Otter.
What do you call a witch that lives in the desert?
A sand-witch.
I think it would be hot if we f**ked other people. Exclusively.
Nurse: Here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in alphabetical order.
Doctor: wow. Looks very ORGANized.
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
"I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond."
Do you know what the favourite soup of a ghost is? It is the Scream of Broccoli.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
I don’t know about you, but I think helicopter rescue pilots have the best pick-up lines.
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"
He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
What Do You Call Two Ducks And A Cow?
Quakers and milk.
Are you doctor recommended? Because I’d like to to get a Hailey dose
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
What did the ghoul say to the clown on Halloween?
Tag, you’re it!
Shave a single shingle thin.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
Nothing runs a pun like bad spelling, accept poor grammar's.
After the Moroccan scored a Hat-trick, the players gathered for the fez-off.
Where do fish wash? In a river basin.
There's snow place like the mountains in winter.