"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
What does the visual system use to play basketball?
Eyeballs.
A balding magician had an act where he'd put a rabbit on his head and make it disappear...
The hare vanished into thin hair.
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
Tropic like it's hot.
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
What pickup line did the flower use on Tinder?
Are you a DAMNdelion?
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
During the pandemic, all the children asked to draw pictures of the different types of grass. The children had to submit their grass-essments online.
What is a red heads favorite drink?
Ginger Ale.
Why does your grandma like wine so much?
Because at her age, she needs glasses!
I’ve always been a trucker, but recently I applied for a job at Microsoft. I’ve heard they’re always looking for more drivers.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
What do you say if you lose a game on St. Patrick's Day?
Game clover.
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
If I were Columbus, I would sail day and night to reach the depths of your heart.
Flamingos are known by a different name when they dress up to go out – they call themselves glamingos.
What’s worse than one crocodile coming to dinner?
Two crocodiles coming to dinner.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
What did the dog say when he sat down on sand paper?
Rough.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
We’ve got serious chemistry.
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
I take it that you are the captain of the sun.
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
Why do blind people hate diving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
What does a cat wear to stop smelling? Antipurrspirant!
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.
All prominent werewolf movies are produced in howl-lywood.
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
Why did the ski instructor's love life always go downhill? The first thing the ladies noticed about him was his giant slalom.
Snow on and snow forth.
What do you see when an elephant hides behind a tree?
The trunks
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
Getting lucked up on St. Patrick’s Day.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!
What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!
What is a brain's favorite kind of boat?
A cranial blood vessel.
Where do chess grandmasters keep their pet snakes?
In a chesst.
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
Some types of meat like to play around a lot. These are generally the game types.
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
When does a Koala go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!