All the contestants at the pig Olympics were very happy with their prizes. They each won pork medallions.

How does a chicken mail a letter to her friend?
In a HEN-velope!

"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner

Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.

There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.

And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.

But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h

"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch

Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

What do you call a bear that’s stuck out in the rain?

A drizzly bear.

What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.

“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell

Can you teach me how to use this machine?

My mom said I have no sense of direction
So I packed my bags and right

Where does a potato go to college? DeFry

Did you hear about the new watermelon powered cars set to come out next year? Yeah, it’s too bad you only get a water-melon the gallon.

Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.

Why does the paparazzi beaver have a camera pointing towards the river? To keep up with current events and give main-stream updates.

Never has there been a more romantic story than how those two geologists met.
It was lava at first sight.

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.

“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy

How do you know when a crab's drunk?
When it starts walking straight

My priest fired me from playing guitar with the choir.
Apparently it’s blasphemous to play a Gsus2 chord.

I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"

The word Gnome is a corruption of the Latin word Genomus or earth dweller.
In other words, it's a misgnomer.

I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.

"You need kissing badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed often, and by someone who knows how."
- Clark Gable, Gone with the Wind (1939)

Are you from the U.K.? Because I want U, K?

Watson: Sherlock, what type of rock is this amazing specimen?
Holmes: It’s sedimentary, my dear Watson.

Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.

How do you make Ohio State University cookies? Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.

Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.

“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.

"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann

I was going to make a joke about losing your senses due to COVID.
But I decided it was poor taste.

We’re in a-green-ment.

Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrush’s throat.

Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!

I’m bacon you! Please stop with the meat puns!

“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres

What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?

There's now a vaccine to make you better at geometry.
It's called Pythagorean Serum.

The gang of crows used a crowbar to break into the house.

Smokers Are Productive, But Death Cuts Efficiency

We were all sturtled by the incoming news.

I didn't want to have brain surgery but I had to.
I guess it changed my mind.

"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy

Why was the baker in a serious panic? He thought that he was in a loaf or death situation.

There is always a first time to everything. For instance, when you take a mushroom either for lunch or dinner, you will be amazed at how magical it is.

What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.