“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
Be careful what you say in a corn maze. The walls have ears.
Oh me, oh Jeremiah, that is one great face you have there
Why did the lettuce and the mushroom break up? The lettuce was pretty but the mushroom did not have much room for her in his life.
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
My love for you is like the universe… never-ending!
Where do bad jokes about skeletons belong?
In the skelebin.
Did you know dried fruits favorite news segments is...
Current events.
You must be peanut butter because you're making my legs feel like jelly.
Aria free next Friday for dinner?
What do you call a small fish magician? A magic carpet
What do you call glia when it is happy?
Smyelin.
What did the paprika tell the salt around Christmas?
Seasonings greetings.
What noise does a gorilla’s doorbell make?
King Kong
Did you hear about the football player with the dirty mouth?
Yeah. He was an offensive lineman.
What did the dinosaur say to his lover?
You make my heart saur!
What fish only swims at night?
A starfish.
What's better than having roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ....
Why did the cookie monster rob the keebler elves? Because they had a lot of dough.
Dad fertilized the garden with corn starch.
The plot thickens.
---
What do you call mountain climbing corn?
Mountain-ears.
Girl give me a chance and I will show you a world of our own where spell of love began and our hearts become one
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
What type of candy sent the skeleton to the hospital?
Jawbreakers.
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer!
I sent back the soup served to me at the restaurant. It was not of soup-reme quality.
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.
I had a job repairing 17th century violins...
I only fixed instruments that were BAROQUE.
What sits in a tree and says "Hoots mon, hoots mon?"
A Scottish owl.
You tell me your mantra and I’ll l tell you mine.
May the mass times acceleration be with you.
Why are wooden hard drives so bad?
They're all bark and no byte.
What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.
Did you know that you only need two letters to spell Panda?
You just need P and A.
Do fish go on vacation?
No, because they’re always in school!
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
The best place on earth to shop for soccer kits is New Jersey.
What kind of shoes do private investigators wear?
Sneak-ers.
You're a beluga in this sea of cod.
Your love is like vodka. You’re worth the chase.
Why did the man bring a gun to the clock factory?
To kill some time.
What did the Apple say to the lemon & lime when he found out they were correct?
Yeah, I guess you’re Sprite
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
What's slimy cold long and smells like pork? Kermit the frogs finger!
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg.
Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.
My life-long rival just beat my record for deep-sea diving.
This is a new low.
Did you hear about the emperor penguin?
He had a freezing reign!
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
If you are a fan of alphabet soup, then you might also know times new ramen.