If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
The bowling team of which I am captain is known lightning. This is because we get countless strikes.
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
Which violation do ghosts get called for the most in basketball?
Ghoul tending.
It’s so cold we didn’t clean the house, we just defrosted it.
So I was reading my bible the other day and I was wondering if you know what Paul meant by "Greet one another with a holy kiss?"
How do you repair a broken tomato? Tomato Paste!
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
What did the egg say to the clown?
You crack me up.
I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.
"Bed in Summer"
In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.
I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.
And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?
– Robert Louis Stevenson
How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a coconut.
It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
What is suns favourite chocolate bar?
A milky way
It’s too bad that bread puns are always so crumby. Mmm . . . crumbs.
What did one of Frankenstein’s ears say to the other?
I didn’t know we lived on the same block.
“Feliz navi-dog!”
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
I hate it when planes don't have free WiFi.
It drives me bored air line crazy.
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
"I like a man that can pull off facial hair."
I think your supposed to use a razor.
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
Roses are red
And you gotta go
Because I found out
That you is a ho.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
What do you call two male avocados who hang out and drink together?
Avocabros.
"When the Teacher Isn’t Looking"
When the teacher’s back is turned,
we never scream and shout.
Never do we drop our books
and try to freak her out.
No one throws a pencil
at the ceiling of the class.
No one tries to hit the fire alarm
and break the glass.
We don’t cough in unison
and loudly clear our throats.
No one’s shooting paper wads
or passing little notes.
She must think we’re so polite.
We never make a peep.
Really, though, it’s just because
we all go right to sleep.
– Kenn Nesbitt
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
Yesterday I went to the store for only 2 items, a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. Fortunately they were relatively light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!
Which local sportswriters are most effusive? Those who work in the praise
box!
What do you call an amazing day up a mountain? A peak experience.
Why can't elephants use computers?
Because they're scared of the mouse.
Hey girl! Let me orbit around you.
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
---
You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
This coffee is too strong. How about a kiss because you are the only sugar I need.
Why didn't the butcher cross the road? He didn't want to brisket!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
Why was the horse such a good dancer?
It perfected its halturn.
I was only taught 22 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y TBH.
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
I want you for no raisin.
Q. Where did the gorilla like to go sailing?
A. The Chimpan-Sea
Me without you is like a nerd without braces,
A shoe without laces,
ASentenceWithoutSpaces.
What kind of bean never grows in a garden? A jelly bean!