Some marine biologists argued about how best to handle angry dolphins.
The were working at cross porpoises.
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
I told my husband that the National Zoo's sloth bear gave birth but ate two of the three babies. He said "now she's guilty of 2 deadly sins: sloth and gluttony."
“Yoga instructor just emailed to say class is moved and thanks for our flexibility.” – Unknown
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Hide and Speak!
Which is the bar downtown that soccer players hate striking on? Crossbar.
What do you call it when you've choked on water while jogging every morning this week?
The worst running gag ever.
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
Would you like to share fire with me?
"It's not me, it's you!"
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
What kind of phone does a burglar use?
A no-key-a.
What do rabbits like to sing? “Every bunny was kung fu fighting.”
Why did the Russian vaccine cross the road?
To get to the other side effects.
What’s a good name for a detective?
Mr. E
The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
How do recreational league baseball players stay so cool?
They sit among their fans.
Onions have had a long process in the evolutionary chain. They have evolved into today's onions from onionderthals.
Where do zombie monkeys live?
In the brain forest.
What cheese cries the most?
Babybel.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
Hey babe, are you the Mcdonald's Ice Cream Machine, because you just aren't working for me anymore.
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. -- Napoleon
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex...
He's a small arms dealer.
Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?
He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.
It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
“Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.”
What did the queen bee say to the naughty bee? Beehive yourself.
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, it was toast.
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
Strawberries are berry healthy. They pack a punch when it comes to beating cancer and other diseases.
Why were the melon lovers sad?
Because they cantaloupe.
"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black
What is soap's favorite brand of beer?
Sud-light
Driving behind an ambulance, I watched a box fall off the back. I checked inside and there was a foot in it, so I decided to call a toe truck.
What do you call an old snowman?
Water.
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
Anaerobic respiration reminds me of how you take my breath away.
What do you get when a penguin lays an egg on a hill?
An eggroll.
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
― Truman Capote
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
Did you hear about the ice cream that went to prison?
They got their just desserts.