Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
How do you organise a welcome party for an alien race?
You planet.
I hear this house is haunted… we better stick together.
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
What is the name of the country near Iraq that is made entirely of cheese? Curd-istan
Did you hear about the aspen who fell for the loggers’ scam? The copse wood not believe she fell for it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts!
Sips getting real.
Are you a Gingersnap/Eggnog Latte? Because I want to bring you home for the holiday.
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
It got lockjaw.
What do you call an italian mosquito?
Malario.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
How did the Native Americans get to America first?
They had reservations.
No one understands me when i say I like to paint peas in a cage.
I don’t what is so hard about it. I’m a trapped peas artist.
Why were the volleyball players always tying in tic tac toe? Each time one of them sets an X, the other player just says O.
An inspirational speaker came to speak at the fruit stand today. He told us to peach for the stars.
During World War 2, sending food to the troops was a challenge. Researchers had to concentrate to figure out how to send orange juice.
I hate hard drives...
...they byte
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
If I had Jack Sparrow's compass, it'd be pointing at you.
What do you call a secret group of llamas?
The i-llama-nati.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
"Aloe you vera much."
What do zombies call a battle between classical music composers where one of them loses their mind?
A de-Bach-le.
The weather is almost as beautiful as you, m'lady.
Berries are the most fashionista of the fruits, they can really cherry off the wildest outfits.
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
Do you run track? Cause I relay like you!
How do worms measure their length?
They ask a tape worm to help out!
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
My love for you is like an marathon. It goes on and on.
What do you do with dead geologists?
You barium.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which? Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs.
What do they do when the fruit educator is sick? They bring in a substitute peacher.
Big Foot has been spotted throwing tantrums and talking back to his parents.
No wonder they call him the Sassquatch.
Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.
Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."
Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."
When are you going to invite me to church?
My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
What keeps the beat in a baseball song?
The bass line.