What do you get when you cross a cat and a sloth? A slow leopard.
Sea you at the beach.
Are you dressed up as a tree? Cause you’re giving me wood.
What did the beaver say to the river? You can run but can't tide.
How many rabbits does it take to change a light bulb? Only one if it hops right to it.
How are pirates like trumpets?
They murder the high C’s!
I think you just tripped me, 'cause I just fell for you.
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the heck is my roof ?
How about you and I form a binary system?
What’s the scariest koala movie ever made? The Bear Witch Project.
There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.
I had a tattoo of a Scorpion on my back last night and to tell the truth...
It stings like hell.
What’s a penguin’s favorite salad?
Iceberg lettuce!
Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder.
Why was the pine tree always in trouble? It kept being knotty.
I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I?
Ugly.
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
What is a Ghost’s favourite toy to play with? Leg-oooooooooooooooo!
Q: What did the wind turbine say to the engineer after he fixed him?
A: I’m a big fan of your work!
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
What is one of the big tiger's most favorite hangout places? A shopping maul.
"Go home! Go home! Go home! With me."
- Family Matters
Hey baby, are you a cloud server?
Because I have something to upload from my hard drive.
Aside from being single, what do you do for a living?
How do billboards talk?
Sign language.
"You're totally scrambling my brain."
Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Hmmm. Well, you are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
Why was the whale so sad?
The fish was said because he was a Blue whale!
Why did the Iron Chef have to stop cooking? He ran out of Thyme.
Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor....
so far it´s been 7 owls and 15 jays.
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.
A monster terrorized a village.
He kept doing it ogre and ogre again...
So I was cleaning my spice cabinet...
and now I have a lot of thyme on my hands!
What is a teddy bear’s favorite Thanksgiving food?
Stuffing!
Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.
Finally, the call came in and the orange was informed by the person on the other end of the line that the company had orange-d an interview for the following day.
When the ghost blew his nose, lots of boo-gers came out.
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During APE-ril showers.
Why do Ghosts make such good company? They are full of spirit.
How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
Why is the air so clean and healthy on Halloween?
The witches sweep the sky.
What's the use of having the best phone, but not having my number?
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry
Me: It’s a sacrifice to the dryer gods.
My dad: It’s a sockrifice.
A plant is fine, a shrub is fine, but tree's a crowd.
As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but trilobites still exist, right?
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.