What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet? A UF-hoe.
What’s an elephant’s secret talent?
They’re great at multi-tusking.
Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?
Because they washup on shore.
Frankenstein's monster and the bride of Frankenstein sit down for dinner
Bride: How come you never help with the dinner
Frankenstein: I did
Bride: How?
Frankenstein: I did the mash...
Bride: Don't you dare
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
It says right here that this frozen pizza is enough for two.
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
Why didn’t the horse buy a house?
The costs were mounting.
A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."
If you go out with me, I promise I won’t take you for granite.
What type of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane Chocolate!
What is a ghost's favorite place to work?
Ghoul-gle.
How do you make dog bread?
Just use collie flour.
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
Why do ice cream cones make such bad athletes?
They always get licked.
When the bread started crying because it was toast, the loaf told him, "You deserve butter."
What do you call a hangover when you're alone in Spain?
Barf-a-lona.
If you are ever babysitting a cherry, remember that their favorite cartoon is Tom And Cherry.
What is a mushroom’s favorite hobby? - Spore-t!
If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?
When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.
I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.
(Sarina McConnell)
How much does a corn flake weigh?
1 Kelloggram.
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
I have a bone to pixie with you.
If you speak Hebrew and life gives you lemons...
You're an acidic Jew.
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!
What did the owl’s valentine say?
You are hootiful.
If a four-legged animal a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, what’s a tiger?
Stri-ped.
Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)
As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.
A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
Q. What do you get when you combine Blue Agave and literature?
A. Tequila Mockingbird
What do dinosaurs put on their pizza? Tomato-saurus
Strawberries are berry healthy. They pack a punch when it comes to beating cancer and other diseases.
It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.
Why was the pig given a red card at the football game?
For playing dirty.
How can a bear catch fish without a pole?
They use their bear hands.
What did the flower write in his mother’s day card?
I’m proud to be orchid.
If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.
It's been a hard day's night without your lovin', Oh darling.
That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
I highly encourage you to have more brain farts
It develops mental fartitude.
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
Wow, you feel like a comet, you are a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and I’m glad I didn’t miss it. Can I buy you a drink?
Went to a game with my dad today and as we were standing up to sing, the veteran in him kicked in and he began tearing up. I said to him, "You know, technically, national anthems are just…
…country music."
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
Son: Father can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Father: No sun.
The reason lakes are bigger than rivers is because one has running water whereas the other water is merely standing.