What types of stories do giant sequoias love to tell? Tall tales, of course.

I ain't greedy baby, all I want is all you got.

"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous

Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"

“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson

What was the pumpkin's favorite sport?
Squash.

Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.

There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.

If practice makes perfect and perfect needs practice, I’m perfectly practiced and practically perfect.

I tried riding a camel instead of a horse once.
It had its ups and downs.

My girlfriend and I agreed to try some roleplay in the sack, but right at the end she screamed out the wrong name!
That's the last time I'm ever letting her wear her Starbucks uniform in bed.

Why do girl ghosts go on diets? So they can keep their ghoulish figures.

If you ever need directions, call for a navi-gator.

What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
Ruthless.

What’s a skeleton’s next favorite rock band?
Bone Jovi.

My boss has just fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
Oh well!! That's the end of my Korea.

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin

How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers.

What does a gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet!

Turns out my dad who’s a locksmith still has to go to work during lockdown.
He’s a key worker, you see.

It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.

Why did the cherry go to the good drinks factory? It was cordially invited.

“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”

- Guy Endore-Kaiser.

"Do you have a cell phone I could use?"
"Why?"
"Someone has to call God and tell him that one of his angels is missing."
- Couples Retreat (2009)

What do you call rabbits that live at the North Pole? Cold.

What is a dessert called with an extra chromosome?
A chocolate downie.

Bodies in garden are a plant says wife

"When the Teacher Isn’t Looking"

When the teacher’s back is turned,
we never scream and shout.
Never do we drop our books
and try to freak her out.

No one throws a pencil
at the ceiling of the class.
No one tries to hit the fire alarm
and break the glass.

We don’t cough in unison
and loudly clear our throats.
No one’s shooting paper wads
or passing little notes.

She must think we’re so polite.
We never make a peep.
Really, though, it’s just because
we all go right to sleep.

– Kenn Nesbitt

I can’t decide how to finish this wooden sign telling my parrot that she’s become a member of the Scottish aristocracy
Polyurethane?

Our love started with a Hershey’s Kiss.

“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous

I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.

Birds too love cheering on their soccer teams. They egg them on.

Why did the two Irish men fight amongst themselves?
They can’t find any other worthy opponents.

I am a mean green machine.

How do you make a fish laugh?
Tell it a whale of a tale.

What did the brick road say on thanksgiving?
Cobble cobble cobble!

How do you catch a rich squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a cashew.

Onions are unable to store water inside them because there is always a leek.

How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.

I ate an omelette for breakfast…
but I’m still feeling peckish.

What does an anteater like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.

Don't get tide down this summer. 'Tis the season for having fun.

The cawllarborne of the skinny crow was so pronounced.

“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx

Did you hear about the Elf booted from the chorus?
He couldn't Fa-la-la-la-long.

I've recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm mostly working knights.

“How was your day? ” “It was a total disas-tater”

What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.

What is a witch's favorite makeup?
A ma-scare-a.