Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
Because it takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
Why did the ice cream truck break down? Because of the Rocky Road.
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
What Do You Call A Duck That Steals?
A robber ducky.
Why should you not play volleyball in court? Because you could get arrested.
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers!
I bet your muffled screams are as cute as u.
What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
Why didnt the moon have any more to eat.
Becuase it was full
Hey girl, I hope you see that I'm not like all the otters!
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
How did the cheese professor start class every day?
Oh queso…
Why do bee keepers have beautiful eyes?
Because they hold bees. (Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder)
The pancake thought he was the best breakfast food because nobody stacked up to him.
What type of cat will keep your garden looking nice and tidy? A lawn meower.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
How does a hen leave its house?
Through the eggs-it.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
I would have gone to space, but the cost is astronomical!
How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
What did the cow say to his friend when they met twice in the same day? “What a cow-incidence!”
What do two tomatoes do after not seeing each other for a long period of time?
They ketchup.
In Greek Mythology, Chiron was not only half man and half horse, he was also a doctor of medicine
That made him the centaur for disease control.
(Pick up a sugar packet off the floor) Uh, miss? I think you dropped your name tag.
Q: Why did the tiger eat the lamp?
A: He wanted a light lunch.
Why do skeletons hate how wind feels? Because it goes right through them!
The computer had to visit the dentist at the very earliest opportunity as it had a BlueTooth!
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
What do you call it when Dr. Frankenstein makes tea?
A monstrositea.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
The bread baker won the girl over because he kept giving her a flour. How sweet!
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
How do you defeat a meat-loving vampire? With a steak to the heart!
What do you get when it rains potatoes? Spuddles.
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
My brother was trampled to death by a flock of sheep.
May he rest in fleece.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy!
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
Egg puns are the most egg-citing.
What kind of dinosaur can you ride in a rodeo? A Bronco-saurus!
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors? Because she had no guts!
Dr. Frankenstein must have been pretty buff.
He was a bodybuilder, after all.
A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.
I wonder if you can help me? I seem to be suffering from a lack of Vitamin U.