"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
Why do dinosaurs eat raw meat? Because they don't know how to cook.
What did the pepperoni say to the cook?
You wanna pizza me?
Why is winter the least popular time of year for a wedding?
Because the grooms always get cold feet!
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a crocodile.
A funeral.
I was thinking whether I should write you or not.. but honestly, there isn’t Hannah-other better choice than to
A gorilla starts off his day by going to his car
When he gets to his car, he notices hes missing something. He walks back in his house, and asks his wife "Have you seen monkeys?"
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
Looks like I’ve Joshu-won the best match of the day
Why did the dog fail his driving test?
Because he couldn’t parallel bark.
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
Hide in the kitchen, hide in the hall. I will catch you.
The reason the mountains are hill areas joke gets reposted so often is because it's peak comedy
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Honeydew.
Honeydew who?
Honeydew know who fine you're looking?
"I now pronounce you dumped and single. You may now kiss my ass."
Where do phones like to travel?
To the Great Call of China!
My dentist asked me if I had any questions before he started.
I thought for a minute, then asked, "If oral hygiene is so important, why do you have plaque on your wall?"
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
What does a polite vampire say to its victim?
- Fang you very much.
It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.
What did the glass of wine say to the beer?
Nothing... They barley knew each other.
Do you like my cologne? It’s derived from the musk gland of the industrious beaver.
Why should you never rob a bank with a pig?
They always squeal.
Why are fish so smart?
Because they live in a school.
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
The pie-maker couldn't eat any more strawberries because she was already stuffed.
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
"Reti or not, here I come!"
What do you call a pickle that got run over on the road?
Road dill.
What’s a golf clubs favorite type of music?
Swing.
It’s really easy to send a nice card to a flamingo. You just write “Hope you have a flamingood…”
What do you call Chewbacca when he has chocolate stuck in his hair? Chocolate Chip Wookiee.
I went to a mosquito themed restaurant.
It wasn't very good, though. After a few bites I got up and left.
What did the baby cloud say to its mum when it rained? Sorry, mum, I couldn't hold it any longer.
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo.
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds.
Why does Foghorn Leghorn take it slow when April rolls around?
Because he’s no spring chicken!
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
Don’t drop the ball – without you, the party will be incomplete.
Are there any funny red wine puns at BabaMail Jokes?
You bet Shiraz there are!
Took the family on a whitewater rafting trip, and first time we came to a sudden descent in the river, we lost everything...
That was just one of the downfalls!
You know you're texting too much when...
you try to text, but you're on a landline!
Did you hear the score in the game between the ocean and the beach? It’s tide.
Vampires love corny jokes and puns. I don't think they're funny, but it's probably to do with them being pun-dead.
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
What do you call a lazy goat?
Billy Idle.