Today my "O" button on my keyboard stopped working.
Maybe it was a sign I should've stopped o-ppressing the keyboard.

"Fun Grandpa"

My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.

Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.

A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.

Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.

Will you remember me in a minute?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a week?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a year?
Yes.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
You didn’t remember me!

If trees could kill you, they wood.

Why does Mr. Potato Head have a mobile?
In case Mr. Onion rings.

Who are the biggest fans at the theatre? The backstage crew - They're always giving props to the actors.

"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman

"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown

Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.

Why did the orange turn into orange juice?
It couldn’t handle the pressure.

Why did Jesus ask Judas to crave the turkey?
Beause he knows he likes stabbing others in the back.

My friend learned Spanish by jotting sentences repeatedly...
He used wrote learning.

Follow Beethoven's example. People said he was never going to be a musician because he was deaf. Did he listen to them? Of course not.

French, French Revolution

What do you call a zombie door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer!

"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor

When NASA will put 20 heads of cattle into the outer space, it will be the 1st herd shot around the entire world.

Why didn't the cell phone wear his glasses? He lost his contacts.

Did your parents work on The Manhattan Project? Because you’re the bomb!

I’d better get a library card, because I’m checking out of this relationship.

Where do aliens park their flying saucers?
At a parking meteor.

What's in a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone

Not all math puns are bad.
Just sum.

"I’m Going to Be Famous"

I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!

– Steve Hanson

"Darling, shall we buy some vegetables for tonight?"
"Yes, lettuce!"

Why did the baker quit making donuts?
Because he was fed up with the hole business!

“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown

Chester Cheetah chews a chunk of cheep cheddar cheese.

Why did the daddy peach teach the child peach to shave? He was starting to grow peach fuzz.

Q: What did the old orange see before it died?
A: The grim ripe-r.

What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes? Out of the way!

Did you hear that cats have carried out a Coup in Barcelona and declared independence from Spain?
They're calling themselves the Republic of Catalo-nya.

My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”

Wow Avery, love the name. Makes sense since you are Avery beautiful girl.

Would you mind loaning me a quarter? I want to call my mother and tell her I just met the woman of my dreams.

I love a good shindig. Just call me Napoleon Bonapart-y.

The forecast said that we’re in for a hot summer; better make sure I watermelon everyday or else the yard will dry up.

Call me Ishmael. Or just call me.

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz

You like curling? Check out me curling my biceps!

Which fish is the most famous? The starfish.

"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg

Are you my training plan? Because I'll go as long as you tell me to.

"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry

Do you want to know what you get when you cross a newborn snake with a basketball? Really! Ooh you will end up with a bouncing baby boa.

What happens before it starts raining candy?
It sprinkles!

When the rainbow decided to speak out at the meeting of all weathers, someone said 'Look hue's talking.'

Q. What is a popular search engine for ghosts?
A. GHOULgle!

What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.