Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey
Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?
Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...
Brutus: I ate 2 slices.
Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE?
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!
It's tough to tell if the sky is ever happy or not. It always looks so blue!
Why did the River go to the doctor? Her flow wouldn't stop.
What do you call a koala with a negative attitude? The bearer of bad news.
What do you call an immature goat?
A silly billy.
I got a asked to leave karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" seven times in a row. I had exceeded the allowed number of Loggins attempts.
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.
Q: What do you call a scary berry?
A: A boo-berry.
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
Did you hear about the rabbit who refused to leave her house? She was having a bad hare day.
How do bats spend their time?
Flying and hanging out.
Did you expect to laugh at puns?
No, but they've groan on me!
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
What happened to the baby chicken that misbehaved at school?
It was egg-spelled.
My friend claims he works in a soap factory, adding a key ingredient to the process...
He's a lye-er.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
How do you cut the sea in half? With a see saw!
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
- Jack Prelutsky
What did the rabbit say to the lettuce?
Romaine calm, I’m here for the carrots.
How does one raindrop ask another out? Water you doing tonight?
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.
Hey, did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because honestly, Karen, you are a demon.
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
What’s the difference between a gross bus stop and a crab with large breasts?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
Why did the blonde volleyball player end up getting fired from her waitressing job? Someone said she needed to serve the food.
What did you just call me? Just because we’re Dark Chocolate does not give you the right to call us “Snickers”.That’s OUR word.
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
What do butchers say after they meet someone new? “Mince to meat you.”
This relationship is kinda like the Superbowl LIII halftime show; I can’t wait for it to be over.
What is a worm's favorite band? Mud.
You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away
(Anonymous)
Can I call you pia mater? Cause you’re always on my mind.
I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flour...
My teacher said, I'm the perfect roll model.
What time is it when people are throwing pieces of bread at your head?
Time to duck.
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
The farmer called his prize cow a bull-dozer because she was always sound asleep in the fields.
My son asked me, what’s a Greek urn?
I said, “about 20 drachmas a day.”
What type of elf has the most books?
A bookshelf.
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa?
A Christmas Quacker.
Can you hold my gloves for a second? I usually warm them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
Which side of a koala bear has the most fur? The outside!