Why did the wheel act so bossy? Cause he was the "Big Cheese."
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
I took a walk down by the river the other day and I heard two birds speaking Spanish...
Turns out they were Portu-Geese.
The paddy don’t start till I walk in.
That crazy little sun of a beach.
I can sea clearly now.
My mother loves butter more than I do,
more than anyone. She pulls chunks off
the stick and eats it plain, explaining
cream spun around into butter!
- Elizabeth Alexander
I’ll have a crocodile sandwich please, and make it snappy!
Huge explosion at the hair brush factory...
Investigators are still combing through the wreckage.
I stopped eating pea soup. I gave it up for lentil.
I know Benjamin Franklin.
Jack is a lovable man with a colorful personality. He is a great hue-man.
My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.
Why did the toddler chew on pebbles? He wanted to eat rock candy.
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
My spiritual gift is my good looks. It lifts peoples spirits.
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
Ant-ten-eye.
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
What did the lion say to his cubs when he was first teaching them how to hunt? Don’t cross the road until you see the zebra crossing!
I used to hate peas. I like them now, I just make sure I think of them as 'o's.'
What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark? Flood lights!
What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
There's this subject called chemistry
how it works is a total mystery
it is an atom
says my madam
but all I see is my misery.
(By Faaizah)
What does a cow ride when his car is broken?
A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle.
Why did the belt get arrested? He held up a pair of pants.
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
What always succeeds? A toothless parrot! (sucks seeds)
I used to make loads of money clearing leaves from lawns. I was raking it in.
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
Time to spruce things up.
What was the most common game played by Greek Gods?
Hydra and seek.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ike.
Ike who?
Ike can rock your world, baby.
No matter how much she trimmed the particular strand of grass, the unruly grass kept on growing- what a grass-cal!
How many rabbits does it take to change a light bulb? Only one if it hops right to it.
Boy: Oh I can't believe that Jesus is so sweet! Girl: Well that's because He's a life saver!
How will you have communion in the space if you won’t have mass?
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
What’s the perfect gift for someone who is always raisin’ the bar? Oatmeal
raisin.
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
Why are winter days great?
They’re snow much fun!
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Ears.
Ears who?
Ears one more beaver joke for you.
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
What do you call a fight between squirrels?
A squarrel