Knock Knock
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow business like show business!

Someone once asked if I ever played the violin
I told him that I had fiddled with it.

What do you call dangerous amounts of precipitation?
A rain of terror.

Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.

What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane.

Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.

Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.

What do you call a lobster with a Christmas hat?
Santa Claws

Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.

And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.

How do Greek gods say sorry to one another
"I Apollo-gise"

Let's do lunge together

If you're keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts,
buy a cunning stunning stunt kite.

What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.

Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug!

The incredible Wizard of Oz,
Retired from his business becoz.
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn't the Wizard he woz.

What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?
A complete waist of time.

If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?

I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.

My mom is a metalurgist
I asked her the other day: "Which metal do you prefer to work with? Gold or silver?"

She said: "Either ore."

“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer

"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza

I think we need to become better strangers.

What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?
Bernadette.

"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar

My ex-girlfriend is like the square root of -1,.... she's imaginary.

I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.

“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle

Many basketball players fail their tests in school because they do not want to pass.

Why is it a bad idea to get in a fight with a monkey?
Because they use gorilla warfare.

What do you call a flying cheese?
A curd of prey.

Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!

“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.

"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."

- Marsha Doble

They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!

Are you Australia? Cause your geographical location is hot.

Hey, do you still remember me? Oh, that’s right. We only met in my dreams.

Did you hear about that new broom? It's sweeping the nation!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Olive.
Olive, who?
Olive you, and I don’t care who knows it!

I love you with all my butt.
I would say my heart, but it is just not as big. (wink wink where my curvy booties at?!)

There once was a girl named Sue.
She came down with the case of the flu.
She let out a sigh,
"My temperature is high,
what ever shall I do?
Oh my! Oh my!
I think I will die.
What ever shall I do?"

So, she stumbled out of bed.
"I know I'll take some meds.
If this the flu,
I take an aspirin or two.
Then I'll drink some broth and some juice.
Oh my! Oh my!"
she began to cry.
"I think this is acute."

So, she grumbled back to bed
and pulled the covers over her head.
She let out a sneeze,
a cough and a wheeze.
"Won't someone help me, please?
Oh my! Oh my!
Will I survive
the case of the crazy flu?"

So, she finally fell asleep.
She slept and slept for a week.
She tossed and turned,
her symptoms have passed.
Her temperature normal at last.
"Oh my! Oh my!
I think I survived
this case of the crazy flu."

The dog didn’t want to play soccer because it was a boxer.

“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter

What do you call a guy who believes in ethical treatment of spiders?
Peta Parker.

Why does Mr. Potato need a cell phone? Incase Mr. Onion Rings.

At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”

“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.

It’s snow joke.