Why did the baker quit making donuts?
Because he was fed up with the hole business!
Are you wearing space pants? Because your a** is out of this world.
What's a ghost with a broken leg called? A hoblin goblin.
Can I follow you home? Cause my parents always told me to follow my dreams.
What do you call someone who owns a boat dealership?
A Sailsmen.
What is a baker’s favorite type of icing?
Fawn-dant.
I can figure out the square root of any number in less than 10 seconds. What? You don’t believe me? Well, then, let’s try it with your phone number.
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
Where do werewolf go if their tails fall off?
A re-tail store.
Why do gorillas have really big fingers?
Because they have really big nostrils!
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
What kind of werewolf can track down flowers ?
A bud hound
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.
Do you know how the pineapple feeds her children? She gives them milk from her pinenipples!
What is a strawberry that likes to spin called? A berry-go-round.
I’m just wondering. Now that you’re here, who’s running heaven now?
A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
Beer doesn't make you fat
It makes you lean.
The interesting the about engineering Toilet Paper.
It's an a-ply-ed science.
Which month can’t make a decision?
MAY-be.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
You have beautiful eyes. Oh, wait, those are your wings. Why you gotta be so scary?
The police told me they'd throw me in jail the next time they caught me stealing board games.
But that's a Risk I'm willing to take.
What is a witch's favorite ride at the fair?
A scary-go-round.
How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?
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Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
At a get-together, one fruit asked another "I was wondering how have you been". The other replied "Just peachy, isn't that grape?"
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
Q. What happened when the computer geeks met?
A. It was love at first site!
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.
What kind of money snowmen use in the North Pole?
Cold cash!
I wasn't making enough money as a keyboard percussionist so I started moonlighting as gun salesperson.
I go from glockenspiel to Glock and spiel.
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
Why did the junkie adopt a one legged crow?
So he could get crow cane from his vet.
Q: What’s a nectarine?
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate,
the greedy ape said as he ate,
the greener green grapes are,
the keener keen apes are
to gobble green grape cakes,
they're great!
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
Why can't corona virus jokes go viral?
Because people are laughing into their elbows.
“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
— Unknown
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
Did you just hit me with a pitch? I'm feeling faint.
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
Why was Pegasus such a good ballerina?
He was flo-wing.
"You're totally scrambling my brain."
Why don’t we use some Fourier analysis on our relationship and reduce to a series of simple periodic functions?
Why isn't your daughter married? Because a gourd man is hard to find.
Did you hear about the woman who complained about her rabbit stew? She said there was a hare in her soup.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime