Would you mind watching my pet parrot while I’m out, as long as it’s not too much of a birden?
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
Why does water never laugh at jokes?
It isn’t a fan of dry humor.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
What's a ghost with a broken leg called? A hoblin goblin.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug – although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty-year-old thug thought of that morning.
Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine
You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell
I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat
(Jan Allison)
How did the ghost get from New York to London? British Scare-ways.
I went to a restaurant and had a salad. Afterward, I got an intense pain in my stomach. I visited the doctor and he told me that I had grass-troentiritis.
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.
Do you sleep on your stomach? No. Can I?
If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
The great Greek grape growers grow great Greek grapes.
Hey Erin, ever heard that sharin’ is carin’? Care to share a meal together sometime?
What do you call a furniture store that is over 30 miles away?
The Sofa-r store
What’s the only type of melon that changes colours at will? Well, a chamelon.
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
I recently took a pole and found out 100% of the occupants were angry with me when their tent collapsed.
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
How do you impregnate a submarine?
Fill it with seamen.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
If you notice this notice,
you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.
The librarian is kicked off the aeroplane because it has already been overbooked.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
What do you call a gorilla who has been locked up in prison?
A kong-vict
A brain aneurysm would be swell.
Where do ghosts go trick or treating? Dead ends.
For instant fun, just add water.
Why do some zombies only eat the rich?
They are in the mood for something gore-met.
The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.
I said ether/ore.
Where do ants go on vacation?
Frants.
How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
He could feel it in his bones.
Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!
My mum makes peas for every meal. I'm sick of her reci-peas.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
-
One thing you never want to do is divorce a butcher.
That would be a huge missed steak.
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo
I'm burning a gold-scented candle.
It has a very rich aroma.
Are you a booger? Because I want to pick you first.
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”
The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”
Q: What happened to the peach who went to meet the knife?
A: He came back in many peaches.
Juvenile Court Tries Shooting Defendant
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.