People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
The soup was too spicy to be had by us. It was the borscht soup I had ever had.
When the elves are clapping for their boss, we call it Santapplause.
Why would you Mary Shelley when you could marry me?
What did the ponies do when it was raining? Stay ind-horse.
Why did the daddy peach teach the child peach to shave? He was starting to grow peach fuzz.
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
How did the ghost get from New York to London? British Scare-ways.
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Were you a member of the Boy Scouts? You’ve tangled up my heart.
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.
Why wasn't King Kong able to climb to the top of the Empire State Building?
He couldn't quite fit in the elevator.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
Wanna hear the mountain joke?
nah you won't get over it
Why don't alligators like fast food?
Because it is difficult to catch.
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
Why do ants work so hard?
They are all serv-ants.
"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"
What's an astronaut's favorite meat? Launch meat!
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.
I was gonna make a river joke, but I don't think it's current.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
I hope you're good at catching cause I'm starting to fall for you.
I get a real kick out of you.
Q. Why doesn't a big gorilla have to flush the toilet?
A. He scares the sh*t out of it!
You really mermaid my day.
I didn't know snow angels could fly as pretty as you skiing.
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
When you go with an army general onto a bowling alley, he will start bowling even before you enter his name on the scoreboard.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
We've been driving all day, I need a brake.
My suitcase started crying when I picked it up. I was carrying emotional baggage.
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud
What do you call a family member who works at a gas station? A pump-kin!
Did you hear about the cheese failed to medal at the olympics? It fell at the final curdle
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
Why did the police dog get promoted?
Because he was the scenter of so many drug arrests.
I hate dentists.
Bad oral hygiene can cause so many bad things in your mouth, yet they tell you to brush it off.
What kind of photos do turtles take?
Shell-fies.
You must be phylum because you seem to be above class.
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Claire.
Claire who?
Claire the way, I’m coming through!