Batman walks into a superhero-only pool, he is quickly stopped by a guard, the guard points to a sign that says
"No swimming without supervision."
Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?
They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.
What do you call an elf who steals Christmas present wrapping from the wealthy and gives it to the poor?
Ribbon Hood.
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
How should you bury an onion?
... in a shallot grave!
There was an old person of Troy,
Whose drink was warm brandy and soy,
Which he took with a spoon,
By the light of the moon,
In sight of the city of Troy.
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
A chemical in science class can make your hands go numb
But math will make you number.
What do bats say to those they dislike? Good riddance to bat rubbish!
What do you call a cow on the barnyard floor? Ground Beef What do you call a cow with no front legs? Lean Beef
What do you call vampires bats that cheer at football games?
Bat-on-twirlers.
How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end? It was won by a hare!
My friend finally overcame his addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
He quit cold turkey.
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
What do you call a cute donut?
A-dough-able.
What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game?
Driving the zam-boney.
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell
What do you call a pickle from the southern backwoods.
A hill-dilly.
Pigs, when out in public, have to keep an eye on their valuables as they are vulnerable to pigpockets.
The chocolate couple decided to rent a two bedroom sweet for their summer honeymoon.
Time to celery-brate.
What does Pooh Bear call his girl friend?
Hunny.
What is a neuroscientist's favorite type of dog?
A labratory retriever.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
How is bacon like southern Europe?
It's got a lot of Greece in it.
You’re as sweet as a flower, and not a daisy goes by when I don’t think of you.
Turn to the girl sitting next to you at the bar and say, "I'm not really this tall, I'm sitting on my wallet."
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.
Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
Your beauty warms and lights up these frozen surroundings.
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
What happened to the man who didn’t pay his exorcist? His house was repossessed.
Fred is so condescending about my tennis strokes. I can’t take any more of his backhanded compliments.
The storm was sad so we called it the sigh-clone.
I accidentally mixed up the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' online.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
Have you seen the gators on skateboards, they are great alli-skaters.
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
Dad Bee left. Mama Bee calls out ...
Honeycomb home!
Easter and April Fools fall on the same day this year...
You could say it only happens once in a blue moon.
What candy is only for girls? HER-SHEy's Kisses!
What praise did a bat’s friend deserve? A bat on the back.
What South American dance do cows like to do?
The Rump-a.
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
Why can't you tell a joke while ice fishing? Because it'll crack you up!.
How did the horse make payments?
In in-stallion-ments.
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time to give you a kiss.
What do mountain climbers share around the campfire?
Goat Stories!