You run like light. How can I get high-speed access?
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
Limp Bizkit.
"Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup."
— Henry James
Basketball is the only sport where the basket is filled but never gets full.
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
Autumn has given me some of my best memories. I am forever grate-fall for it.
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
I’m jealous of your stethoscope… I am the one who should be wrapped around your neck!
What do you call a baby monkey? A Chimp off the old block.
What do you say to an avocado who’s done a good job?
“Bravocado!”
Even though Jake was a heartthrob Casanova, he just had to break up with his long-time watermelon vending girlfriend; said she was always melondramatic about everything.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
What do you get when if you cross a potato and the terminator?
A termitator.
I went to watch a play and there were so many peach errors in the dialogues.
What do you get when you cross a cow and an earthquake?
Milkshake.
My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on
Wanna join me for some downward doggy-style tonight?
Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.
They're *always* plotting something.
What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
I tried my hand at cinematography, but it didn't really pan out.
My office chair broke. It’s letting me down.
If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? Neither, they both weigh a ton!
What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
Why is winter the least popular time of year for a wedding?
Because the grooms always get cold feet!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.
(Unknown)
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
Passenger: One ticket to New York, please.
Bus Driver: By way of Buffalo?
Passenger: No, by bus!
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
What do you call a pig that does a lot of charity work?
Philanthropig
What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have? Baby Dinosaurs.
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!
What sound does a turkey's phone make? Wing! Wing!
Q: What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up?
A: It blossoms
What does a Turkish kid say to his mom when he needs to do chores in the summer:
I dont’t wanna do it, it’s sho warm ma!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold enough out here to go ice skating.
Flamingoes have a special name for one of their numbers who has passed away. They call it flamingone.
What does a cat wear to stop smelling? Antipurrspirant!
What did the Wife say to the Husband?
You are exhausting!
What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.
Two Sisters Reunite after Eighteen Years at Checkout Counter.
Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.