Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.
Why’d the lettuce blush?
It saw the salad dressing.
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
What wisdom did the daddy cheese pass down to his son?
A curd in the hand is worth two in the bush.
What did the snowplow guy say when his equipment broke down?
Take this job and shovel it!
If I told you I worked at Home Depot, would you let me handle your tool?
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
What did the father say to his falling son?
Son, you've got potential.
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
Are you a box of BD pen needles? Because you are ultra-fine.
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
Long ago, a couple of dudes claimed that human flight was possible.
They were Wright.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you
There's a new film out about two insects that meet in Italy.
It's Rome ants.
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
What do you call leftover lettuce?
The romaines.
What’s orange with bad hair and hears ‘boo’ a lot?
A haunted pumpkin with a wig.
My banana grandad got in an accident last year, he bruised like a peach!
Are you a burger? Because you can be the meat between my buns.
How do you get in contact with a Greek architect?
You column.
Are you a beaver? ‘Cause dam.
I accidentally pooped in my pants. Can I get into yours?
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
What do you call a group of chess players bragging about how they won in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
What do you call a crab that throws things?
Lobster
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Howl.
Howl who?
Howl you know if you don't open the door?
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
Why did Eve want to leave the garden of Eden and move to New York ? She fell for the Big Apple !
What should you do if a car is annoying you.
Give the car a head rest.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
Why did the bat often use mouthwash? She had bat breath.
What do you get when you cross Frosty with a baker?
Frosty the Dough-Man!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Kenya
Kenya who?
Kenya guess who is it?
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school? She had a make-up exam!
When an unripe strawberry saw the ripe strawberry, it went green with envy.
How do you make a dog stop barking in the backyard?
Move him to the front yard.
Did you hear about the man who used to be addicted to eating raw meat? Don't worry, he's cured now!
A mother mountain says to her moody teenage mountain “don’t you give me that altitude!!”
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
A sad peach can be really pit-iful, sometimes.