Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
Hold still, there's a mosquito on your a$$.
"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.
Where did the bunny groom and bunny bride go after their wedding? On a bunnymoon.
What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.
What did the banana do when it saw a gorilla? The banana split.
You’re as sweet as Pi.
Let’s act like we’re a couple of colonists and do a few intolerable acts together.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
Which is a meat patty's least favourite day of the week? Fry-day!
What kind of eels can travel on land?
Wheels.
Where do beavers sleep? They sleep on a river bed.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Icy.
Icy who?
You see me, do you need glasses or something?
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?
What animal has more lives than a cat? A frog … because he croaks every night!
Why did Van Gogh become a painter? Because he just didn't have an ear for music.
Are you maple syrup? ‘Cause you taste so sweet.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
Why does your laptop have a blanket on it?
It's on sleep mode.
Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!
What do you call the door to a chicken barn?
The hen-trance.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
What’s the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?
A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four.
Where does a potato go to college? DeFry
I recently got a new job as a golf caddy, but I was fired after less than an hour.
The guy asked me for a sand wedge. I don't think he likes pickle.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
Is it true what they say about the size of a man’s canine teeth?
Which side of a penguin has the most feathers?
The outside.
The baby strawberries were berry upset when they heard that both their parents were in the jam.
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
The only good pun is a dad pun
but who am I kidding?
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
Ma'am, I am looking for a running partner, for the rest of my life.
What did the teenage horse say when her phone broke?
I canter even.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug – although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty-year-old thug thought of that morning.
What did the seal say to the walrus after dating him for three months?
I think we should sea otter people.
I got fired from the bomb disposal squad
Too bad, I had a blast working there.
One day, I carried my laptop to the zoo because I wanted a RAM upgrade so I would have lots of memory when I came back.
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
Roses are red, violets are blue, trash is dumped and so are you.
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal sized clippers?
Shear size.
Hey girl, are you related to Abraham's nephew?
Because I like you a LOT.